arewethereyet

Friends,

Good weight news to report. I am down 2 pounds this week and have achieved my last mini-goal in the 200s! I just reset the ticker and have placed my next mini-goal at 6 pounds from now… 198. That is a number I haven’t seen in 15 years. Maybe more. I remember 199 about 15 years ago. I don’t know if I ever saw 198. Anyway, holy cow! This is big! And I’m getting smaller.

Another bizarro-world NSV for the week…  I had my annual mammogram. (Kevin, you can skip this paragraph if you want to!) In previous years they have had to do use 6 plates to take the full impression. I’m proud to say that this year they only needed the standard 4 plates. I’ve lost that much breast tissue - can you believe how happy I am about smaller boobs? But I come to the table (and to the shopping mall, and to church, and to everywhere) with impressive assets shall we say so I’m THRILLED to know end about this NSV.

Workouts with Claire went well this week and I did cardio every day except Wednesday. Today I plan to take a walk outside while someone is watching football. I love football. Love love love it. But I need a walk and it’s a good way to get some me-time. It’s funny, my mom started walking 2 miles every morning before work - I think exercise was secondary to her need for some alone time. She’s skinny as a rail, as always, and she still does it to this day. And she’s been retired for 15 years. I’ve met my father. A lovely man. And I’d go for a 2-mile walk every day to get some alone time too if I were living with him day in and day out!!!

Only negative of the week I can think about is insomnia hell but I think that has to do with 2 big things… job search stress (more activity this week, nothing huge but at least something is going on) and a new medication that a friend gave me to relax my back. It’s working but it seems to loosen  me up and somehow rev me up at the same time. Lesson learned - it’s a daytime med for me, not an overnight one!

So that’s my Saturday report. Good weigh in, bad sleeping. Rock on with your bad selves and let’s all try to think and talk as nicely to ourselves this week as we would about a good friend or to a stranger on the street. We are fabulous! Big hugs to all, Ellen

I added these to my profile as well but just wanted to share 2 cute pics of Tim and me on New Year’s Eve. Awwww!

Scale was down this morning, but of course it doesn’t count until Saturday. I’m very excited to see a loss this week. I walked to Walgreen’s to pick the photos up - just over 3 miles round trip. How blessed is Chicago to see 60 degree weather in January! Just what the doctor ordered. It felt great to stretch the legs, but I promise I didn’t overdo it.  I’m doing well on food today - chicken/cognac/cranberry sausage for breakfast, a small roast beef sandwich for lunch, and a big veggie salad for dinner. I expect a banana as a snack in there as well.

Hugs to all! Ellen

Hi all. Well it’s been a few weeks since I last blogged… a busy few weeks. (Karen: I know I know I know. I’m sorry.)

Let’s start with my weight loss, since you know this is BS after all: there is none. Luckily there’s just a pesky 1 pound gain over the indulgent holidays which involved cocktails and gluten (heaven forbid!) and the occasional bout of dairy besides. I’ve done well in terms of managing the overall calories but I definitely need to get back on the bandwagon, which btw I am doing officially tomorrow and frankly I am looking forward to it. I know I’m off my game because seriously… I am very very very hungry lately. And all that can mean is that my body is used to being indulged and it also means that my workouts have been slack.

Which is true. But not because I want them to be. It’s because I earned myself a major injury on Christmas Eve.  Long story short, I walked headfirst into the cross bar of my cousin’s handicapped van, flung my neck all the way back (whiplash), and knocked myself out cold for a few seconds. I did a paralysis check upon regaining consciousness - all systems go, and painful. Basically since then I have been fighting a back spasm, from my middle to lower back… it moves. And I can’t run, and I can’t lift. I’m seeing the chiropractor a little more often and Claire and I are doing a lot of stretching and body weight only exercising. I’m icing my back daily too, but I find it difficult to sit at the computer for very long these days. I actually didn’t come on at all for about a week believe it or not. That’s a major change for me believe me! Anyway, I appear to be on the mend. This week I have pledged to my fellow Hot Rods that I will do light cardio (treadmill or ellyptical) every day. No running for me until I have 5 painfree days in a row. And believe me when I say I am a ways away from that accomplishment. (Ugh)

Drama earlier tonight - the computer completely crashed and looked to be kaput for real for a while there. The Dell guy wanted to reinstall XP, and wipe out 4 years of work. Here’s my word to wise: BACK UP YOUR FILES TODAY! DON’T WAIT UNTIL SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS! When I got back to working, I immediately saved all my documents and everything on my desktop. I’m still searching for my iTunes files so I can grab the music onto CDs just in case I lose it all again. It’s a nightmare folks, so please please please back up your files!!

Love remains grand. We had a wonderful romantic time in Lake Geneva for New Year’s Eve. And we took pictures which I’m picking up from Walgreens tomorrow and yes I’ll scan one of them in so you can see how cute we are! We’re planning our Florida trip for the end of March.  This is the real deal folks… I’m still a bit stunned but it is the real deal.

And that’s it for now. I promise (Karen) not to be so long between blogs. XO to all and continued love & success in 2008 to all, Ellen

I am having one helluva day. Some of it good, some of it not-so-good. But I’ve decided to concentrate on the good and I want to share it with you all.

First off, I’ve had  2 people tell me “you look REALLY different” and they meant my face and not my body. And they meant it in a good way - almost like “I can tell you’ve lost weight but wow the difference in your face is really noticeable.”

And my chiropractor who I haven’t seen in a month now said, “WOW! How much weight have you lost?” So the change continues to be noticeable.

And I played with my goddaughter today for several hours and she’s a piece of work. I gave her a holiday gift on Wednesday - an adorable raincoat that looks like a lady bug, which matches a very well-received umbrella I sent her about a year ago - and she took one look at it and said in her very British accent, “Aunt Ellen, I’m not very interested in this.” Hilarious. She repeated it. I nodded and said, “Okay honey. I can live with that.” But she loved the 5 dollar stuffed moose I brought her and can’t sleep without it now so I guess that’s a plus. And we’re great friends when it comes to make believe and the dollhouse. She’s as girly a girl as I am. Hooray!

And lastly, my boyfriend just called to tell me he’s in love with me. Now he’s been at a holiday party so we’ll see if he regrets it tomorrow, but OMG my boyfriend loves me. And I’m pretty sure I love him too.

Such a crazy day, and the last thing I expected to hear tonight. But it ends the day on a lovely high note which I needed.

Big hugs to all, and to all a good  night. XO ELLEN

I’m so proud of myself! This week at the gym I achieved 2 personal bests:

1. On Tuesday I ran 3 miles in 39:25. So I can officially do a 5K now, and I beat the 40 minute mark, which is easily a personal best!

2. Today I ran 1 mile in 12:08. That’s doing a mile at 5.0mph, and for me that’s flying! So I can do it! I can run faster and faster. I don’t think I’ll ever get below 10 minute miles… and I’m a helluva long way from that now… but I’m proud that at 42, I am in good enough shape that I can improve my time over and over again. A few months ago even I was having trouble getting below 15 minutes for a mile. This is a major improvement and I’m proud!

I’ve eaten Chinese food almost every day this week so far. It’s so weird - everyone is serving…

Sat: Tim and I ordered Chinese food.

Sun: I ate leftovers.

Mon: No chinese

Tuesday: Thai for lunch, Chinese for dinner at a presentation

Wednesday: Chinese and sushi for dinner with my family that is in from the UK

Thursday, that’s today: Leftovers from Tuesday.

I’m so sick of the far east right now it’s crazy. On the plus side, I’ve managed to stay away from the pot stickers and the egg rolls and stuff like that. I know it’s still bad for me but I’m consoling myself with that achievement. LOL  Hopefully I’m not doing too much scale damage, but I think I probably am.

Is it the new year yet? Even though the no gluten-diet helps me avoid the cookie temptation, I’ve got to tell you I’m seriously tired of eating. Must get back to normal.

Hugs to all! Ellen

Today is my 42nd birthday. I’m trying to figure out if I look older this year or younger. I think I might look older, because I’ve lost some fat in my face. It is what it is… I’m not a big birthday person so it’s kinda weird for me to throw it out there to you all and say “check it out - it’s my birthday!” but I’m trying something new this year. I’m trying to get comfortable with being noticed in general. I think this is one of the steps I need to take to get my head around the whole holiday reaction to weight loss issue I’ve blogged about recently.

Speaking of which my anxiety level on that is still high, although not nearly as high as it was a few weeks ago. I’m settling into it and getting comfortable with this new body of mine. Which, btw, is currently 6 pounds from a very exciting number! (I’m down another 2 pounds this week btw - WOOT!) The goal is to be out of the 2’s by year end. I’m going to be close but I’m focused on the goal and I honestly believe I can get there with dedication, moderation, and a little help from my buddies

This 200 mark is a big one for me. I was trying to remember the last time I saw it. It’s been a long long time. I’m not one of these big-time yo-yo dieters, or if I am, I guess I’m not terribly successful at getting really low because the last time I saw 199 I was 27 years old. I did Weight Watchers right when I started at McGraw-Hill and that was 15 years ago. Holy cow. I haven’t been under 200 pounds in 15 years. That’s a realization. About 6 years ago I did Atkins and got down to 214. Then I gained it all back. Last year I took phentermine and got down to 219. And gained 16 pounds back. This year I eliminated gluten and processed foods and started walking my buns off… lifestyle choices I can maintain I might add. And I’m smaller than I’ve ever been. That’s something to celebrate on this my 42nd birthday.

I’m feeling the need to moisturize badly.

Tim is working today and tomorrow. I’m not happy about it. I’m trying to be supportive because I know he really wants the extra cash for the holidays but mostly I want to spend some time with my boyfriend for my birthday. I am seeing him tonight - we’re having dinner with my friend Cheryl - but really I just want more time with him. Haven’t seen him all week because of this overtime craziness - I think he put in 15 extra hours M-F and then this weekend he’s doing 10 today and 10 tomorrow. I can tell I’m getting attached because frankly, I miss my boyfriend. A lot. And it’s making me a little nutty. We speak daily but I’ll confess to you all that I’ve felt vaguely lonely all week long with him not around. This is probably another emotional step in our relationship - I wonder if he’s feeling the same way. Ah the drama of young (I mean middle-aged) love. I mean like. I’m not actually ready to say love yet.

And that’s about it from here. Thank you for celebrating my life with me every day and know that when I count my blessings I count my buddies here right near the top of that list. Hugs to all, Ellen

The lady at the Dunkin Donuts drive thru (where I was picking up my decaf, now allowed occasionally by the natural doctor - hooray!) told me I looked skinny.

Strangers at the gym are telling my trainer (and sometimes me) that I’m melting away.

And my cousin Annie said, “OMG Ellen you’re TINY!” And made me shop for new clothes so that I would get how they are supposed to fit.

And yet of course I still feel fat. Lovely time of year for the insecurity complex to be in full-swing. But I’m trying really hard to focus on the positive and do what I need to do to make sure I feel really good about myself this holiday season. Annie, btw, completely understands the whole family drama that I’m dealing with in my brain. Tried to talk me off the mental ledge and she did a pretty good job. We went shopping so I could see what fits and what doesn’t fit. It’s remarkable how much I don’t get the clothing thing at all, but I do know that her perspective on this helped because now I have a better idea of how not to feel dumpy in the clothes I do have right now. And Annie completely gets where I’m coming from - it’s nice to have a kindred spirit in the family that I can and do talk about anything and everything with. I just wish I saw her more often. My earlier blog comments about craving family were very very accurate. Annie met Tim on Saturday morning and gave me her seal of approval. I figured she would, but it’s always nice to be right on something like that!

I met Tim’s sister on Saturday night when we had our “first” date. The concert was great and Tim was so into it. It was very cute. I am nearly positive I passed the sister test with flying colors as she gave me a big hug and a kiss when we parted and told me she was looking forward to seeing me again soon. I know I’m almost 42 - like days away from it - but this may be the first time I’m meeting a boyfriend’s family members. I mean I’ve met them before, kinda, but never as the girlfriend per se. So I don’t know - I think I may be having an adult relationship. Crazy but true. In other good news, we spent the longest time together that we’ve ever spent and we got along great. No fighting, no bickering, no “omg is this over yet”. Just fun. Hooray.

Heading off to school now. Hugs to all, Ellen

Oddly enough I don’t feel stress about food this holiday season. I know what I can eat, I know what I have to avoid. And I know I’ll find time to exercise and burn off calories. All is good. Except. It’s not. My anxiety level is on the rise and as we count down the days to Christmas Eve, I’m finding myself more and more stressed.

I feel stupid for feeling this way, but I do. My weight has been a defining issue for me my entire life. And I’ve always resented that.  I’ve always been the fat one in the family, and I’ve never felt good enough as a result. Even when I was winning scholarships or being promoted at work. I was always that fat one. The fat daughter, the fat cousin, the niece, the fat friend. I don’t if everyone felt that way - but I do know I always felt that way.

And now we are less than 4 weeks away from Christmas, and I’m still fat. But I’m not nearly as big as I was. I’m proud of my accomplishments - truly - but I must tell you the truth, thinner or fatter I’m sick and tired of feeling defined by my weight. I don’t want to talk about my diet with these people now anymore than I wanted to talk about it when I was heavier. I just want it to be a non-issue. But it’s an issue, for me. And I’m worried that there is no reaction (positive, negative, ignored) that will not be an issue for me. I hate that I feel this way. I’m almost 42 years old and I’m sitting here this week cowering in fear about the way my mother, my aunts, my cousins will look at me. It’s pathetic. And I’m tired of it. I’m better than this, and yet I can’t get out of my own way.

This blog is coming today because today is my first test. My cousin Annie is coming to town and I love her to pieces. We have a lot in common. She’s struggled with her weight just as I have and I know that it has played a role in her quest to find true love just as it has haunted me behind the scenes in that department. I don’t know how she’ll react to me. She’s a great barometer for me to know how others will react. And I’m going to use her to figure out how to deal with it. Part of me will be crushed if she doesn’t immediately notice. Part of me will be thrilled if she doesn’t make a big deal out of it. And all of me can’t wait to see her regardless. I’m craving family right now, despite the fact that I’m honestly terrified of them, or more accurately my own reaction to them.

I’m not even sure this blog makes sense anymore but I’m grateful for the opportunity to put it down on virtual paper and to own it as my personal truth. Thank you for your support. Ellen

Okay, Karen, I’m sorry. I was too busy to blog all week. It’s been a zoo. But I had to weigh in for Hot Rods today so I knew I’d be on BuddySlim for sure - saved my blogging time for you.

So first things first - OMG I’m down another 2 pounds. Over Thanksgiving week. Just shocking to me. I felt like I ate too much but I guess I really didn’t. I’ve been feeling a little binge-y lately (chocolate - I know! it’s crazy) but I have adjusted my calories accordingly so I guess that’s helped. My nutrition is probably for sh*t this past week - so that’s a goal for this coming week for sure. The other thing that’s weird is that I didn’t do any exercise at all on Wednesday or Thursday. I fully intended to do Thursday - but Wednesday and Friday just got away from me. I’m already behind in the NYE walking challenge but I have an opportunity today because…

My freakin’ car is on the fritz. The oil pressure light is on and VW cannot get it in until Tuesday. Maybe Monday if I’m the luckiest girl in the world. So what does that mean? It means I’m walking everywhere except to the VW dealership. Fun times. And where am I walking today? Well one place I’m going is…

Burlington Coat Factory. Cheryl finally came over to “shop” my closet. She took 4 armloads of clothes out of here, including 3 coats. I found on TDay that I have no coats that fit. My good long wool coat? Looked like my Dad’s when I was 12. Ridiculous. Clownlike. So Cheryl owns that now. But I currently don’t have a winter coat - I have purchased 2 transitional season coats but it’s nearly December here and frankly that’s not going to work for much longer. So I need a COAT COAT to survive a Chicago winter. Burlington is about a mile away. So I’ll get in 2 miles doing that. Then I’ll come home, change, and walk somewhere else… I have to catch up with myself at this point. I already think Zina and Ellie and Tatiana are already too far ahead for me to catch up with them!

So how did Wednesday and Friday get away from me? Well that would be because I was spending those days WITH MY BOYFRIEND Tim. I’m practicing saying that a lot. Yesterday on the phone was the first time the word girlfriend (as in, ‘the town where my girlfriend lives’) was used. So that means, I think that I have a boyfriend. I haven’t had a real boyfriend in about 4 years. I’ve had an absurd number of dates, as I committed to learning how to date before I turned 40. Which I learned. But since I started dating aggressively (that sounds weird) I haven’t actually done the whole relationship thing. But I am in one now… I have a boyfriend. Okay. <Deep breath>

Back to Thanksgiving - the reactions from people I hadn’t seen in a few months was amazing and very inspiring. They didn’t make me feel awkward or on display - they just made me feel beautiful. That’s true friendship. You all make me feel special and beautiful every day. I hope I can give each of you the same level confidence. Cheers to BS!

Ellen

Today I am celebrating some of my victories of the week:

1. I lost 1 pound this week - arguably 1.5 but I will call it 1 pound for now.

2. I got a white star today! Woo hoo!

3. I hit another minigoal and that’s huge. I created a new one as well - these minigoals really inspire me. I tell ya, taking it one pound at a time and not looking at the whole enchilada (mmmm mexican food…) is critical to my success.

4. I am at a weight I haven’t seen in more than 10 years.

5. I have only 10 pounds to go to  hit the 200 mark, a number I haven’t seen in 15 years. And I know I will see it in the next 8 weeks which is amazing on many levels, the most basic of which is I KNOW IT.

6. I saw a good friend at the gym today who I haven’t seen in a while. She nearly fell over when she saw me. Couldn’t get over how slim my legs are. And she says I need to stop wearing all these oversized tshirts so I can show off the new trimmer me. (Of course all I have is oversized tshirts by definition - they are all too big now!)

7. I did my Step class this morning for an hour. I burned 600 calories AND did the equivalent of 4 miles. Not too shabby, eh!?

8.  I have a romantic date with someone who appears to be my boyfriend now, although we haven’t discussed that per se. We’re going downtown to see the lighting of Michigan Avenue for the holidays. Big parade, big music, big fun. We’ll do a lot of walking and I know it’ll be fun to spend time with him that way.

9. My Hanes XL sweatpants that I bought to wear to and from the gym over my shorts are already too big. I hope they shrink when I wash them - and when was the last time I hoped that?

10. I  have been blessed by lovely comments, messages, and mentions in people’s blogs this week - a fact that I find gratifying and motivating. Thank you all for you do every day. Your enthusiasm and support is one of my greatest victories.

Hugs to all - now I must shower for my date! Ellen