arewethereyet

Two things I lack. Balance and focus. I am trying to find them. Or at least know where they might be so I can access them from time to time. Has anyone seen them? Give them my number, please!! LOL

 Life is good. We have been doing a good job of going to the gym. I’m trying to get back to a daily routine. Right now I’d say that it’s a 5 day a week proposition… maybe 4 depending on someone else’s motivation. And, yes, my own. Yesterday I did 35 minutes on the ellyptical machine at the gym. It said I went 4.35 miles. How is that possible? I couldn’t run that far in twice as much time. Well, maybe I could. But just barely. Then i did some upper body weight training and some core work. Then I jumped on the treadmill next to Tim and did 10 minutes big time hard, with 2 minute running sprints sprinkled in there to get the distance in. I did several minutes at 5MPH, which for me is running like I’m being chased… for real. I felt great. I felt psychologically great that I could do this. I felt physically pretty good too - a few muscle aches when I got home but a little stretching took care of it all.

On Monday Tim leaves for Michigan where he has found some work. He’ll be there for 6 days and then he can come home for 2 nights. This doesn’t seem fair to my honeymoon status, does it? I will miss him a lot but I’ll confess that I’m looking forward to some of that selfish-Ellen time that I referenced in January. I really need to put me first again for a while and dealing with a new husband who needs a life coach and personal trainer in addition to a wife makes that all-desired balance and focus issue all the more challenging.

Food has been good. I’m excited for some purely Ellen food to make sure I’m on track. Last week, Tim made a pepper steak that looked great to me, and then he confessed that he dredged the meat in regular flour. I refused it and made myself some brown rice with broccoli as a substitute but it’s so hard to look someone in the eyes and say, no I won’t eat that when they’ve tried their best to make something you’d like. And I would have loved it, except for the gluten! He’s subscribed to a recipe newsletter for people with gluten intolerance - I didn’t even know it existed. He’s trying. I love that about him.

And yet I’m still rather looking forward to my own time, my own space, my own priorities. To focus. And to balance me. And then to add his needs back in once I am where I need to be mentally.

Looking forward to catching up with you all! Thanks for reading, if you made it this far! Ellen

Three cheers for the slow cooker! With Tim working all these crazy hours, and me having a full-time job and a commute besides, I have been scrambling all week to put good, easy, healthy, and gluten free meals on the table. I’ve also been struggling to do it in a timely manner, so I’m not cooking and cleaning twice (as my husband gets home closer to 8pm than either of us would prefer to be sitting down to dinner). Yesterday I busted out the slow cooker and made a 10+ hour pot roast. It was not the best meal I have ever made but it was all the things I’ve been scrambling to do (good easy heatlhy gf) and plenty tasty. Tim had seconds… so it couldn’t have been too bad! LOL I am on a quest now to come up with new recipes that I can use to accomplish all the above. If you have any to share I’ll happily take them - even if they are no GF I am finding that I am getting better and better at figuring out how to convert them. (Yay.)

 The biggest saving grace with this meal plan yesterday was its impact, or non-impact, on my sanity. *One pot to clean (and frankly I took a scrubby to it to get the big stuff off and then I tossed it in the dishwasher.

*Advance prep - all the veggies etc were cut up the night before so I didn’t have to feel rushed in the morning before leaving for work, or rushed to get a meal on the table at night. No rushing… woot!

*Forgiveness on the cooking time - Tim was late (had to run an errand on his way home) and then poof we had company… but no matter. Our meal was not burnt or cold… it was perhaps even better than it would have been 2 hours earlier.

 I hope what you are reading here isn’t simply seen as a product endorsement for slow cookers. I mean, yes, please, use yours instead of fast food but that’s not actually my glee in blogging here. It’s really because I have realized that having home cooked meals even when stressed out is good for my body and my mind. I like knowing exactly what I am putting in my body - whole foods all the way, and no I don’t mean the market! I like planning out the meals enough to do prep the day before, to know what I need on hand. And as it turns out, I’m pretty fond of this easy clean up thing too LOL.

 Thank you for all the comments about wedding pictures. I am highly critical of all pictures of me, and I am struck by how much better I could have looked. That said, when I look at them without my “I’m not good enough” lens on, I see a woman (and a man) very much in love and that’s what ultimately wins me over. I’m going through the photographer’s private for-Ellen-only site right now. Once I get through my choices, we will release the URL to the world at large (ha ha ha) and that can include any of you if you’d like. Log-in info will follow in a future blog.

Take care and keep warm. Big hugs! Ellen

A few of you have already seen these, but in case you’re not facebookers, here’s a picture or two from my December 2008 wedding.

For the wedding picture obsessed, I should have a link where you can see many many more photos from the day… soon!

 In other news, I am now 3 days in a row at the gym and counting. It’s getting easier and easier. To go and to workout. I’m struggling with balance - there’s so much going on between work and marriage and everything - but I’m making time for me. It’s all about scheduling time for myself, and being contented again that a lot of that me time involves a treadmill and a weight bench. Back to basics I guess.

Friends,

On the minus side, I broke my word to you all that I would hit the gym yesterday. Not a good start to our renewed relationship I know. On the plus side, I think I kept the more important one - the one to my husband to be there by his side through thick and thin (thick being the operative word this week.)

 At 11:30 yesterday morning my cell phone rang - it was Tim and he had bad news. He got laid off from his job. As a union guy, we expect a seasonal slowdown but this came out of left field. Essentially one huge job was suspended, not his, but it had a domino effect through the rest of the industry in the area. Our finances are okay for the time being - I’ve done very well at my sales job as I may have reported yesterday - but we are still recovering from the expenditures of the December wedding and the holidays. Add to that fact that the holidays wreck havoc with his work schedule anyway (don’t work, don’t get paid) and it’s clear that we are not at the most flush part of our financial lives right now.

Tim struggles a bit with his pride. We are living in the house that I bought 5 years ago. I make more money than he does in general and could pay the bills without him there, just like I did before he got there. When he’s not working and unable to contribute fully, he feels “kept.” He’s not and like many SAHMs I know he contributes in unmeasurable non-monetary ways. But he feels low. We dealt with some seasonal unemployment last year as well before we were living together and it bothered him that he couldn’t take me nice places or buy me nice things. Now he can’t provide for me in our home and he just can’t cope. And he doesn’t have many coping mechanisms, at least not healthy ones. It’s tough.

But this blog is about me. I skipped the gym last night to support my husband, to be there for him, but yes in some ways I resented it. I had just declared to all of you that I needed to make Me a priority in the year of Us, but then I let Me take a backseat. It was the right thing to do. I know that. But I also know that I make excuses and I need to get myself on track, for Us as much as for Me. I asked him to go with me - he said no, that he was going today. And he probably will go while I’m at work, and then I will have to get over the guilt of leaving someone I love alone in a low place while I prioritize Me. The first step is getting out the door I suppose.

 So here is today’s new promise. I WILL exercise today. If I can’t feel good about leaving the house, I will go upstairs where we have a mini gym set up and I will exercise. I will pop in a DVD and do WATP or maybe a step aerobics routine. I will do push ups and situps. I will bounce on my mini trampoline with my iPod on. Whatever it takes, I will do it. For no less than 30 minutes. Because I am worth it, and I need to do it for the Me in Us.

 I close with a quote from Barbara Sher, the author of “I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was” which inspired me today:

‘Now’ is the operative word. Everything you put in your way is just a method of putting off the hour when you could actually be doing your dream. You don’t need endless time and perfect conditions. Do it now. Do it today. Do it for twenty minutes and watch your heart start beating.

How’s that for some “GET TO THE GYM ELLEN?!” inspiration??

To say that I was a good buddy in 2008 is a massive horrifying embarrassing overstatement. I’m not even sure that I logged in after March. Ugh. I write today to re-establish myself on the site, to reconnect with old friends, to beg forgiveness for disappearing, and to ask for help as I continue this life journey.

 I have had a backslide. My weight is up - and I’m the not-so-proud owner of 10 MORE holiday pounds. This is what happens when a cold sidelines me at Thanksgiving for 3 1/2 weeks. This is what happens when I abandon what I know works for me. This is what happens when I say “I deserve to celebrate!” and what I mean is “I can eat that.” In short, this is what happens when I get complacent.

Today, I cannot own my weight for you. I cannot say it out loud here. Maybe soon. I have made great strides mentally and food-wise in the last 2 days since my commitment began anew. I am gluten free once more. I am following my bloody diet, and seeking out foods that are medicines to me not poisons. And I’m gearing up for my new gym… in fact, I will go tonight. This I pledge to you all.

For those of you who are return readers, I have major updates to report beyond the fact of my continued weight struggle.

1. I am gainfully employed and have been since March 2008. The 9 months off were great for me mentally but painful to the pocketbook as I’m sure many here can relate to! I like my job. And I have found balance in the fact that I am not my job - a problem I suffered with before I left my former employer in search of me. And I’ve been very successful at my job - it’s a sales job and it appears that I will finish my rookie year at 125% of goal and near the very top of the performers. All in all, work is good.

2. I am married. When last we spoke, I had met and had fallen for a wonderful man named Tim. He came over some time in February and never left. He proposed on June 6th and we married on December 13th. It has been a wonderful magical time for me in my personal life that is for sure. I am blessed no doubt with the unwavering love of a good man. At long last, I have found my partner in life and it makes me teary to think about how long I struggled to find him.

These two major events in my life have been great on their own, but I have found it difficult to prioritize my health plan because of the all-encompassing natur of each. Tim and I declared 2009 the year of Us. And I am declaring the Me in Us beyond important - I am declaring the Me in Us to be mission critical.

My goal, with your help, is to be a healthy weight and proud of my strong body. Today I am proud of myself for taking the first steps back. Thank you in advance for your welcome.

Ellen

I’m beginning to think I have a tapeworm today. I’m STARVING. I don’t mean kinda sorta a little bit hungry. I mean completely unsatisfied hungry. And I’ve been eating healthy all day. I had some oatmeal w/ flax for bfast, a whole grapefruit for my morning snack, and a nice turkey sandwich (on gf bread of course) with tomato for lunch. And I’ve been drinking water today too. I’m not sure what the deal is but I’m seriously just starving today. Today is a long day too. I brought bfast, lunch, and dinner with me to work so I could avoid eating out. Budget and calorie wise I need to be conservative! Anyway, who knows what the deal is but I am a starvin marvin today.

So I know that if I actually had a tapeworm the scale would be moving down down down. But it’s not. It’s holding nicely at 205, give or take about a pound. I’ve just dropped off of the Hot Rods because I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s ridiculous for me to try to lose weight right now. All the travel and the training has made my eating and exercise less regimented. I’m still doing pretty well, but my goal for the short-term is to maintain. I was beating myself up for not losing the last month and then I said, STOP IT. You’re fine. You need to learn to maintain and to accept what the realities of your life are in the moment. And for the moment, losing weight is not my focus; maintaining my weight loss is key and since I’m dedicated to this being my life-changing weight loss I think it’s okay and in fact damn smart for me to practice maintenance. So that’s my deal for now.

Tim and I went on a 4 mile walk yesterday. It was a brisk 40 degrees out but we marched along and enjoyed the neighborhood scenery for a little over an hour. It’s nice to walk with someone. I did almost all my fall walking alone. I’m rarely alone now - that’s a whole other story. Anyway, I’m averaging at minimum 2 miles a day because of my commute - I have a 1/2 mile walk to get to the train from my house and another 1/2 mile to get from the train to the office once I’m downtown. Reverse that at night.

With all this commuting, I haven’t found a lot of time to go to the gym (read: none). I miss Claire a lot. I need to get to the gym one of these evenings and settle up with her on my remaining sessions. Clearly I need to find a gym closer to home. We are considering joining the local Y. It’s the closest to the house and arguably the cheapest. But I’m concerned about the hours. And the classes. It’s a lot to consider.

Just 2.5 weeks away from our trip to Florida to play “meet the parents.” I’m a little anxious. Tim says his father already loves me because I’m Irish (Happy St Paddy’s Day everyone!) and Catholic, but I still want to make a good first impression. And I know he’s getting anxious about meeting my parents too. In any event, we are closing in on the big event. I’m looking forward to getting into the warmth of the Florida sun if only for a few days!

 And that’s the happs from my world. Working again, loving the people I work with, still blissfully in love with Tim, and holding my own weight wise. All in all it’s a good life. XO to all, Ellen

Well I’ve decided it’s time to do a cleanse again. I’ve found myself craving chocolate and bad things and being more knoshy than I would like to be. It’s not normal for me anymore and I don’t like it. I feel like I need to do something dramatic to break the cycle so I’m cleansing. First step is an herbal total body cleanse. I picked up the kit at Whole Foods today. I’ve also grabbed a bunch of organic juices to use during the cleans itself. It’s very exciting. Not. Actually I’ve done these before with good results. It’s just a process - psychological as much as physical for me - that gets me back on track with my eating and my focus.

I’m finding Tim irritating as hell right now. Okay that’s not fair. He’s wonderful. But what’s irritating is that he’s down almost 10 pounds from last week. And he’s eating crap. I on the other hand am up like 2 pounds this week. I have been eating too much - but by and large it’s been too much good for me food. Like I said, I’m knoshy.

Anyway, he’s in the kitchen right now. He’s making this uber-garlic chicken for us for dinner. It smells heavenly in here right now. I’m glad we’re both eating this because holy cow it’s gonna be a stinky ol night around here that’s for sure. LOL

I did 5 miles at the gym today. Feeling very proud of that. It used to be a daily habit. Now it’s an exciting accomplishment. I really really really need to get a treadmill for the house. I want to be doing 5 miles a day no matter what and getting to the gym is getting harder and harder, and will only get more challenging as the work situation firms up. On the plus side there, I have about 2 miles built into my day once I begin commuting again. It’s about a half mile to the train from the house and a half mile to the office from the train station once I get to the city. So you know what, that is excellent news. I’m suddenly excited about that possibility too.

Golly I’m in a very positive mood today. It’s kinda odd. I’m not sure what’s driving it. Perhaps it’s the garlic that’s wafting through the house. I’m serious when I tell you it smells awesome in here right now. Must go sniff the boyfriend.

Have a good weekend everyone. XO Ellen

Good news everyone - I got the job! I’ll begin as an account executive in about 10 days. That gives me time to get some of my Easter walking in and to buy some new work pants. I’m definitely going to need to buy some new clothes for this gig. And I deserve them! Anyway, I’m excited to call this period of unemployment done. The only thing hanging in the balance is the background check. It’s a formality - I guess they are looking to see if I’ve lied on my application (which I haven’t) or been arrested recently (I haven’t - actually I’ve never been arrested now that I’m thinking of it lol). They are also checking my credit rating. Glad this long period of unemployment hasn’t caused me to default on any financial obligations! So anyway, woo hoo. Happy me.

I’ve been doing a pretty decent job on my walking this week. I’ve done 7 miles in the last 2 days, plus an hour with Claire. I plan to do more again tomorrow. I tell ya, 2008 has been hard for me to keep up with the exercise plan. I think it’s because of the series of physical issues (the back injury and the bronchitis being at the top of the list) and the flurry of activity on the job front. And now that I’ll be working again it’s not going to get any easier. I’ve made an important decision - I’m going to change gyms. That means losing Claire (as a trainer, not as a friend!) but frankly I can’t keep a pricey membership at a gym 11 miles from my house and 25 miles from my job and hope to actually use it enough. So I’m going to be looking at 3 new places - we have a Bally’s and an Xsport Fitness within a mile of the house, and I’m also going to check out the local YMCA. I don’t think the hours at the Y will meet my needs but I’m still going to check it out. We’ve also been shopping for treadmills. I have major jealousy of all you with them in your houses and I really want one here so I don’t have to leave the house to get some walking in. That said, I know I am motivated by the social nature of the gym experience so I am leaning towards that route. So much to think about. Damn this working thing.

I made gluten free pizza for dinner tonight - with goat cheese and turkey sausage on my part. Yummy. I also had a salad like a good girl. No worries.

Hope all is well with everyone. I’m going to call it a night… the snoring has died down in the other room so I think I might just be able to sleep! Hugs to all, XO Ellen

Well it’s been a long and interesting day so far, and it’s not even half over yet I fear. So let’s start with the news that I think a number of my buddies are looking for… my meeting this morning went very well. I received a ’soft offer’ from the hiring manager and was sent on my way to ponder that overnight. He will call me tomorrow, or Monday latest, with the actual offer, presuming I want one, which I do. (Getting a job is very complicated, you know?) I came home very happy (and btw I was back in the house by 9am so you know it was an early meeting) and made a few phone calls. Found out that the other job that I thought I’d be getting an offer to was GONE. They extended an offer to another candidate, who accepted it. So that’s that, I’m expecting to accept an offer to work for MDR, a division of Dun & Bradstreet, tomorrow. I’ll be a National Account Executive so perhaps I’ll be jetting to a city near you!

Other news. Had lunch with my gluten-free longest friendship of my life pal Betsy. We literally were in a playpen together. She’s awesome. She’s very emotional today and burst into tears several times while we were talking about life, love, and all that good stuff. It’s funny. She’s always been the sap, I’ve always been the stalwart. Some things never change! But we went to this place called Ted’s - they have an amazing gluten-free menu - and we ordered the same thing we did last time…. house salads (no croutons), bison burgers wrapped in lettuce instead of buns, and french fries which are gluten-free (btw, not all fries are gluten-free… who knew?) Anyway, we just gabbed and talked and caught up and it was great. I ate the entire salad, the entire burger, and about 10 fries. Just a delicious lunch. And a ton of fun.

Then I went shopping for a V-Day gift for Tim. I realized that I needed to get him something when my mom asked me what I was getting and I didn’t feel comfortable saying “me in a sexy negligee.” Figured he should have something to show for it. So I got him a grilling cookbook and a picture frame that says “Love” on it. And me in a sexy negligee - don’t tell mom! We are celebrating V-Day tomorrow. I have school tonight and as you can see my day has been quite long already. It’s funny how this year when I have a Valentine, the day isn’t monumental for me. Why was it so monumental when I was alone? Anyway, the important thing is celebrating the love, not celebrating it on the day. We are going on a romantic date downtown to a French Thai restaurant. Should be wonderful.

And with that I must fly. I have reading to do before class and I’m so tired it’s going to take me a very very very long time! Hugs to all, and Happy Valentine’s Day. XO Ellen

Oh wait! I promised you a rant! Well here it is. You know how I got that amazing suit on sale at Macy’s last week? Well I wore it today and I felt great in it so I decided that I’d go suit shopping again at Macy’s, albeit a different one. Macy’s recently took over Marshall Field’s here, much to everyone’s chagrin, and I knew that particular Marshall Field’s well. I walked directly into the door that would have put me in the expansive plus-sized section and it wasn’t there. Instead I found teeny-bopper bathing suits. Hardly what I was looking for. I saw an arrow pointing to the Women’s section and so I followed it. Walked the entire floor to be shown a sign that said, “Women’s 14W-24W has been moved to the Lower Level.” Then I got downstairs and I was already so hopping mad that I wasn’t poised to like anything anyway but they had no suits! Just some junky play clothes. Is it me? Have you noticed how they tuck plus-sizes away in the corner? Away from noise, people… away from being seen? I mean you guys know I’m on the cusp between departments now - should I have to go between 2 or 3 floors to see if the 1X jacket is a better fit for me than the Ladies XL? I mean, it’s ridiculous. I’ve always felt hidden away, like a dirty secret, when I’ve shopped in these sections. This particular Marshall Field’s I loved because it was prominent and I just loved what they had. And now, NOTHING. It’s ridiculous. So I’m absolutely boycotting that particular Macy’s and after I go through their downtown location one last time I may boycott them all. Bastages.

Dear Universe,

Thank you for my gift on the scale this morning. I don’t know how to explain a 1/2 pound loss with only 2 days of cardio and one day of weight training, and multiple examples of me cheating on my diet. Thank you for showing me that you can be merciful, even when I haven’t earned it.

Thank you also for the plethora of nonscale victories this week. Thank you for the new size 14W suit that fit me off the rack, no alterations, that was on sale for 160 bucks. Thank you for the Coldwater Creek shopping day when you showed me that I cannot wear a 1X anymore no matter how often I try to put them on. Thank you for the gigantic “NORDIC TRACK” sign in Sears - if we hadn’t been standing at that dumb PageComm kiosk at the mall for so long yesterday I would have gotten my run in, but instead I saw that sign and I found out that I can get a really nice treadmill (one that my 203.5 pound frame can run on well) for 800 bucks. Thank you for the insane number of compliments I received last night at the fundraiser - I thought I looked cute enough in my jeans and sparkly stretch shirt but apparently I also looked downright skinny. I must remember to wear that again soon.

Thank you for the people in my life. Thank you for the patience of my cousin Annie, who is the one who made me buy that shirt I wore last night, and is the one who sat there in the Nordstrom dressing room saying “no that doesn’t fit, no that’s too big, no that’s not your size” until I heard her. Thank you for the love in my life who springs out of bed in the morning to make me coffee and oatmeal, carefully slicing half a banana and layering sprinkles of cinnamon sugar throughout. Thank you for the support of family and friends throughout the unemployment drama of the last 8 months. I sense it is coming to an end now, which I thank you for as well, but I know I never would have made it without that support. And thank you for sending me to BuddySlim where I have found the motivation to continue my weight loss journey during this period of unemployment, a situation which I know would have made me eat and eat and eat in the past.

When I look at all my blessings, Universe, I know that I am not doing my part. It is time for me to step up and give back to you. I need to take this one-day-at-a-time. This week I promise you that I will give my body nourishing food and take my supplements religiously because I respect my body as you respect me. This week I will move my body whenever and wherever I can. I will go to the gym and on days when it is too cold or too snowy or too whatever I will move my body at home. I will put on an exercise DVD or I will put on my iPod and dance until I drop. My body craves that workout, and I will give into that craving as much often as I can. This week I will get the sleep my body craves so it can perform the way I know it can and I know it wants to. This week I will smile at strangers and reach out to friends because I know you have put each person in my personal Universe for a reason and I gain so much from those interactions.

Well Universe, I need to head out now. I stepped off the scale and put on my workout clothes. I’m off to the gym, as promised. My organic gluten-free waffles are toasting away and I can smell them from here. Yummmmm. I’ll stop at DD for the coffee since my boy decided to go back to his place last night in order to avoid that fundraiser. *wink*

Thank you again for all you have done for me. I am blessed. And I know it.

Yours humbly, Ellen