arewethereyet

Two things I lack. Balance and focus. I am trying to find them. Or at least know where they might be so I can access them from time to time. Has anyone seen them? Give them my number, please!! LOL

 Life is good. We have been doing a good job of going to the gym. I’m trying to get back to a daily routine. Right now I’d say that it’s a 5 day a week proposition… maybe 4 depending on someone else’s motivation. And, yes, my own. Yesterday I did 35 minutes on the ellyptical machine at the gym. It said I went 4.35 miles. How is that possible? I couldn’t run that far in twice as much time. Well, maybe I could. But just barely. Then i did some upper body weight training and some core work. Then I jumped on the treadmill next to Tim and did 10 minutes big time hard, with 2 minute running sprints sprinkled in there to get the distance in. I did several minutes at 5MPH, which for me is running like I’m being chased… for real. I felt great. I felt psychologically great that I could do this. I felt physically pretty good too - a few muscle aches when I got home but a little stretching took care of it all.

On Monday Tim leaves for Michigan where he has found some work. He’ll be there for 6 days and then he can come home for 2 nights. This doesn’t seem fair to my honeymoon status, does it? I will miss him a lot but I’ll confess that I’m looking forward to some of that selfish-Ellen time that I referenced in January. I really need to put me first again for a while and dealing with a new husband who needs a life coach and personal trainer in addition to a wife makes that all-desired balance and focus issue all the more challenging.

Food has been good. I’m excited for some purely Ellen food to make sure I’m on track. Last week, Tim made a pepper steak that looked great to me, and then he confessed that he dredged the meat in regular flour. I refused it and made myself some brown rice with broccoli as a substitute but it’s so hard to look someone in the eyes and say, no I won’t eat that when they’ve tried their best to make something you’d like. And I would have loved it, except for the gluten! He’s subscribed to a recipe newsletter for people with gluten intolerance - I didn’t even know it existed. He’s trying. I love that about him.

And yet I’m still rather looking forward to my own time, my own space, my own priorities. To focus. And to balance me. And then to add his needs back in once I am where I need to be mentally.

Looking forward to catching up with you all! Thanks for reading, if you made it this far! Ellen

By the site. I can’t seem to respond to emails - does anyone else have that problem? Takes forever to load - and often does not. I have the same trouble accepting buddies - so if you think I’m ignoring you, I’m not. I’m just a bit, um, silenced.

Except for my blog, which is a good thing as I am currently just in general annoyed. I think it has really hit me how much extra work this is going to be on me having Tim working so far from home. On the plus side (?) we have learned that this job will be 17 work days (in 3 weeks). So it’s a finite amount. Then he should move to a new facility closer to home. Same hours, same stressors but hopefully a bit more time with my husband, and a bit more ability on my part to share the burden of the homefront. I had a mini-meltdown earlier today when I texted him and said, call me as soon as you get on the road, and he called me 10 minutes later to tell me he had been on the road 45 minutes. I had just gotten to the gym for some me time and I just felt put upon, particularly since this was actually a day off for me. But I got in my workout - just 30 minutes on the ellyptical machine (which by the way I handled with aplomb, compared to my first day back at the gym.) Got a nice sweat up and got my heart rate raised. Did some minor interval training - kept it at a steady 5.0 - 5.5 mph but when I wanted to get it going big time I did 30 or 60 second intervals at 8.0. Yes, I was hauling there for a bit, but it was good. I really wanted to get to the gym today to do something after yesterday’s workout. I do better and feel better if I don’t take a day off. I want to get back to it at that level again.

I came home and made chicken in a raspberry sauce (very good GF recipe I found) with brown rice and spinach. I had blueberries for desert. I did well on my food today all the way around. In fact I think I’m going to self-acknowledge here. I did great today. WTG me. The only thing I would have changed about the day is getting to the gym earlier so I could a full hour in.

Tomorrow I work from home (so I can watch the inauguration primarily). My boss is on sales calls in AZ so he is going to be incommunicado most of the day. I should be able to make calls to clients, work on projects, and weep uncontrollably over change from the comfort of my own living room.

Hugs to all. Have a good night. Ellen

PS:Oh. I forgot to say this - how dopey of me. I am down 5 pounds in 2 weeks. There is both good and bad news there… I was down 5 pounds in the first week. This week I have just stayed the same. I feel a loss coming on this week. I’m going to say 3 lbs. That’s my personal goal for the week (by next Monday.) Wish me luck.

What a lovely Sunday it has been. I woke up around 9am and watched Tim sleep for a while. He woke around 9:20 and didn’t realize I was awake - he slipped out of the room quietly which was sweet. I lounged in bed til 9:30 and then decided well that was enough of that and began my day.

Looking back, our day was in many ways all about food but kinda in a good way. Tim begins a new job tomorrow about 75 miles from the house. He was going to stay in a motel near there but last night told me that he really wanted to try to commute. I am against it - he’ll be working 6 10-hour shifts a week as far as we know and adding 150 miles of driving a day to that is just too much, you know? Anyway, this work schedule puts me squarely 100% of the house, and squarely 100% in charge of the food. I decided to meal plan, and make a nice healthy list. When Tim works this many hours, he can eat us out of house and home. So I wanted to make sure he was getting good food as much as possible. I didn’t want him to be buying stuff off of the ‘roach coach’ - that’s just bad for him on so many levels and it’s not cheap either! So we are now set for the week. I read some good recipes too in my GF/WF book and I’m creating multi-tiered meals that I can repackage for him for other meals during the week. Tonight we had meatloaf (low fat, GF) with sweet potatoes and green beans and Tim’s got a perfect dinner already for him for later in the week. And I can just pop it in the microwave when he’s done with his shower.

I will confess to all of you that I was sad and a wee bit happy when we thought he’d be gone 5 nights a week. The sad is obvious - this is my new husband and I adore him of course. But I have always relished my alone time and I don’t get all that much of it lately. I was looking forward to cooking my own food, with no “will he like it?” attached to it when I bust out and create some ‘Ellen’ food. Truthfully he’s actually handling the GF pretty well - not that his bread is GF. Just the recipes I make for dinner etc. The other thing I was looking forward to was no-excuses gym time. I find it difficult to leave him when I get home from work and we haven’t seen each other all day (I know, it’s nauseating newlywed time here) and I find it difficult to drag him with. I think this coming week I’m going to get focused on the gym. Like, when I get home from work, I’ll have a snack and then I’ll go work out. Then I’ll come home and eat another snack and get cleaned up so I’m all purty well he gets in. Not that he’ll notice because he’ll be so knocked out.

Anyway, I think this will require some organization, both mental and physical, the next few weeks. I can’t figure out how to do it otherwise.

Today after the fooding was done - I made myself some GF cookies for treats after I made Tim’s brunch (he was out shoveling - another thing I’ll have to do on my own this week!) - I went to the gym. Victory! I did 4 miles in an hour. That includes a full mile of serious freakin incline and some speed drills that I picked up from Bob on Biggest Loser… when he was yelling at that lady (was is Joelle or something like that?) Anyway, from time to time I just pushed the speed up to 6 mph and ran for 30 seconds. I did probably 3 30-second spurts in the last 2 miles. I also did 2 1-minute spurts at the same 6 mph. I realize this isn’t supersonic fast for most people, but for me it was running like I was being chased. By a serious bad guy. A few days ago I was struggling big time at the gym. Today I worked hard, but I could do it. My spirit was renewed. My body remembered what it could do back when I worked at it. It rewarded me with stamina and reasonable grace. Tonight it is punishing me a bit for the months of carelessness but that’s okay. I know I can do it when I try and when I am motivated and it feels oh so good to know that again.

Here comes my husband. I think he’s heading to bed. I hope he’s heading to bed. 5 am comes awfully early that’s for sure.

More soon, Ellen

To say that I was a good buddy in 2008 is a massive horrifying embarrassing overstatement. I’m not even sure that I logged in after March. Ugh. I write today to re-establish myself on the site, to reconnect with old friends, to beg forgiveness for disappearing, and to ask for help as I continue this life journey.

 I have had a backslide. My weight is up - and I’m the not-so-proud owner of 10 MORE holiday pounds. This is what happens when a cold sidelines me at Thanksgiving for 3 1/2 weeks. This is what happens when I abandon what I know works for me. This is what happens when I say “I deserve to celebrate!” and what I mean is “I can eat that.” In short, this is what happens when I get complacent.

Today, I cannot own my weight for you. I cannot say it out loud here. Maybe soon. I have made great strides mentally and food-wise in the last 2 days since my commitment began anew. I am gluten free once more. I am following my bloody diet, and seeking out foods that are medicines to me not poisons. And I’m gearing up for my new gym… in fact, I will go tonight. This I pledge to you all.

For those of you who are return readers, I have major updates to report beyond the fact of my continued weight struggle.

1. I am gainfully employed and have been since March 2008. The 9 months off were great for me mentally but painful to the pocketbook as I’m sure many here can relate to! I like my job. And I have found balance in the fact that I am not my job - a problem I suffered with before I left my former employer in search of me. And I’ve been very successful at my job - it’s a sales job and it appears that I will finish my rookie year at 125% of goal and near the very top of the performers. All in all, work is good.

2. I am married. When last we spoke, I had met and had fallen for a wonderful man named Tim. He came over some time in February and never left. He proposed on June 6th and we married on December 13th. It has been a wonderful magical time for me in my personal life that is for sure. I am blessed no doubt with the unwavering love of a good man. At long last, I have found my partner in life and it makes me teary to think about how long I struggled to find him.

These two major events in my life have been great on their own, but I have found it difficult to prioritize my health plan because of the all-encompassing natur of each. Tim and I declared 2009 the year of Us. And I am declaring the Me in Us beyond important - I am declaring the Me in Us to be mission critical.

My goal, with your help, is to be a healthy weight and proud of my strong body. Today I am proud of myself for taking the first steps back. Thank you in advance for your welcome.

Ellen

Well I’ve decided it’s time to do a cleanse again. I’ve found myself craving chocolate and bad things and being more knoshy than I would like to be. It’s not normal for me anymore and I don’t like it. I feel like I need to do something dramatic to break the cycle so I’m cleansing. First step is an herbal total body cleanse. I picked up the kit at Whole Foods today. I’ve also grabbed a bunch of organic juices to use during the cleans itself. It’s very exciting. Not. Actually I’ve done these before with good results. It’s just a process - psychological as much as physical for me - that gets me back on track with my eating and my focus.

I’m finding Tim irritating as hell right now. Okay that’s not fair. He’s wonderful. But what’s irritating is that he’s down almost 10 pounds from last week. And he’s eating crap. I on the other hand am up like 2 pounds this week. I have been eating too much - but by and large it’s been too much good for me food. Like I said, I’m knoshy.

Anyway, he’s in the kitchen right now. He’s making this uber-garlic chicken for us for dinner. It smells heavenly in here right now. I’m glad we’re both eating this because holy cow it’s gonna be a stinky ol night around here that’s for sure. LOL

I did 5 miles at the gym today. Feeling very proud of that. It used to be a daily habit. Now it’s an exciting accomplishment. I really really really need to get a treadmill for the house. I want to be doing 5 miles a day no matter what and getting to the gym is getting harder and harder, and will only get more challenging as the work situation firms up. On the plus side there, I have about 2 miles built into my day once I begin commuting again. It’s about a half mile to the train from the house and a half mile to the office from the train station once I get to the city. So you know what, that is excellent news. I’m suddenly excited about that possibility too.

Golly I’m in a very positive mood today. It’s kinda odd. I’m not sure what’s driving it. Perhaps it’s the garlic that’s wafting through the house. I’m serious when I tell you it smells awesome in here right now. Must go sniff the boyfriend.

Have a good weekend everyone. XO Ellen

Today is my 42nd birthday. I’m trying to figure out if I look older this year or younger. I think I might look older, because I’ve lost some fat in my face. It is what it is… I’m not a big birthday person so it’s kinda weird for me to throw it out there to you all and say “check it out - it’s my birthday!” but I’m trying something new this year. I’m trying to get comfortable with being noticed in general. I think this is one of the steps I need to take to get my head around the whole holiday reaction to weight loss issue I’ve blogged about recently.

Speaking of which my anxiety level on that is still high, although not nearly as high as it was a few weeks ago. I’m settling into it and getting comfortable with this new body of mine. Which, btw, is currently 6 pounds from a very exciting number! (I’m down another 2 pounds this week btw - WOOT!) The goal is to be out of the 2’s by year end. I’m going to be close but I’m focused on the goal and I honestly believe I can get there with dedication, moderation, and a little help from my buddies

This 200 mark is a big one for me. I was trying to remember the last time I saw it. It’s been a long long time. I’m not one of these big-time yo-yo dieters, or if I am, I guess I’m not terribly successful at getting really low because the last time I saw 199 I was 27 years old. I did Weight Watchers right when I started at McGraw-Hill and that was 15 years ago. Holy cow. I haven’t been under 200 pounds in 15 years. That’s a realization. About 6 years ago I did Atkins and got down to 214. Then I gained it all back. Last year I took phentermine and got down to 219. And gained 16 pounds back. This year I eliminated gluten and processed foods and started walking my buns off… lifestyle choices I can maintain I might add. And I’m smaller than I’ve ever been. That’s something to celebrate on this my 42nd birthday.

I’m feeling the need to moisturize badly.

Tim is working today and tomorrow. I’m not happy about it. I’m trying to be supportive because I know he really wants the extra cash for the holidays but mostly I want to spend some time with my boyfriend for my birthday. I am seeing him tonight - we’re having dinner with my friend Cheryl - but really I just want more time with him. Haven’t seen him all week because of this overtime craziness - I think he put in 15 extra hours M-F and then this weekend he’s doing 10 today and 10 tomorrow. I can tell I’m getting attached because frankly, I miss my boyfriend. A lot. And it’s making me a little nutty. We speak daily but I’ll confess to you all that I’ve felt vaguely lonely all week long with him not around. This is probably another emotional step in our relationship - I wonder if he’s feeling the same way. Ah the drama of young (I mean middle-aged) love. I mean like. I’m not actually ready to say love yet.

And that’s about it from here. Thank you for celebrating my life with me every day and know that when I count my blessings I count my buddies here right near the top of that list. Hugs to all, Ellen

Okay, Karen, I’m sorry. I was too busy to blog all week. It’s been a zoo. But I had to weigh in for Hot Rods today so I knew I’d be on BuddySlim for sure - saved my blogging time for you.

So first things first - OMG I’m down another 2 pounds. Over Thanksgiving week. Just shocking to me. I felt like I ate too much but I guess I really didn’t. I’ve been feeling a little binge-y lately (chocolate - I know! it’s crazy) but I have adjusted my calories accordingly so I guess that’s helped. My nutrition is probably for sh*t this past week - so that’s a goal for this coming week for sure. The other thing that’s weird is that I didn’t do any exercise at all on Wednesday or Thursday. I fully intended to do Thursday - but Wednesday and Friday just got away from me. I’m already behind in the NYE walking challenge but I have an opportunity today because…

My freakin’ car is on the fritz. The oil pressure light is on and VW cannot get it in until Tuesday. Maybe Monday if I’m the luckiest girl in the world. So what does that mean? It means I’m walking everywhere except to the VW dealership. Fun times. And where am I walking today? Well one place I’m going is…

Burlington Coat Factory. Cheryl finally came over to “shop” my closet. She took 4 armloads of clothes out of here, including 3 coats. I found on TDay that I have no coats that fit. My good long wool coat? Looked like my Dad’s when I was 12. Ridiculous. Clownlike. So Cheryl owns that now. But I currently don’t have a winter coat - I have purchased 2 transitional season coats but it’s nearly December here and frankly that’s not going to work for much longer. So I need a COAT COAT to survive a Chicago winter. Burlington is about a mile away. So I’ll get in 2 miles doing that. Then I’ll come home, change, and walk somewhere else… I have to catch up with myself at this point. I already think Zina and Ellie and Tatiana are already too far ahead for me to catch up with them!

So how did Wednesday and Friday get away from me? Well that would be because I was spending those days WITH MY BOYFRIEND Tim. I’m practicing saying that a lot. Yesterday on the phone was the first time the word girlfriend (as in, ‘the town where my girlfriend lives’) was used. So that means, I think that I have a boyfriend. I haven’t had a real boyfriend in about 4 years. I’ve had an absurd number of dates, as I committed to learning how to date before I turned 40. Which I learned. But since I started dating aggressively (that sounds weird) I haven’t actually done the whole relationship thing. But I am in one now… I have a boyfriend. Okay. <Deep breath>

Back to Thanksgiving - the reactions from people I hadn’t seen in a few months was amazing and very inspiring. They didn’t make me feel awkward or on display - they just made me feel beautiful. That’s true friendship. You all make me feel special and beautiful every day. I hope I can give each of you the same level confidence. Cheers to BS!

Ellen