arewethereyet

Dear Universe,

Thank you for my gift on the scale this morning. I don’t know how to explain a 1/2 pound loss with only 2 days of cardio and one day of weight training, and multiple examples of me cheating on my diet. Thank you for showing me that you can be merciful, even when I haven’t earned it.

Thank you also for the plethora of nonscale victories this week. Thank you for the new size 14W suit that fit me off the rack, no alterations, that was on sale for 160 bucks. Thank you for the Coldwater Creek shopping day when you showed me that I cannot wear a 1X anymore no matter how often I try to put them on. Thank you for the gigantic “NORDIC TRACK” sign in Sears - if we hadn’t been standing at that dumb PageComm kiosk at the mall for so long yesterday I would have gotten my run in, but instead I saw that sign and I found out that I can get a really nice treadmill (one that my 203.5 pound frame can run on well) for 800 bucks. Thank you for the insane number of compliments I received last night at the fundraiser - I thought I looked cute enough in my jeans and sparkly stretch shirt but apparently I also looked downright skinny. I must remember to wear that again soon.

Thank you for the people in my life. Thank you for the patience of my cousin Annie, who is the one who made me buy that shirt I wore last night, and is the one who sat there in the Nordstrom dressing room saying “no that doesn’t fit, no that’s too big, no that’s not your size” until I heard her. Thank you for the love in my life who springs out of bed in the morning to make me coffee and oatmeal, carefully slicing half a banana and layering sprinkles of cinnamon sugar throughout. Thank you for the support of family and friends throughout the unemployment drama of the last 8 months. I sense it is coming to an end now, which I thank you for as well, but I know I never would have made it without that support. And thank you for sending me to BuddySlim where I have found the motivation to continue my weight loss journey during this period of unemployment, a situation which I know would have made me eat and eat and eat in the past.

When I look at all my blessings, Universe, I know that I am not doing my part. It is time for me to step up and give back to you. I need to take this one-day-at-a-time. This week I promise you that I will give my body nourishing food and take my supplements religiously because I respect my body as you respect me. This week I will move my body whenever and wherever I can. I will go to the gym and on days when it is too cold or too snowy or too whatever I will move my body at home. I will put on an exercise DVD or I will put on my iPod and dance until I drop. My body craves that workout, and I will give into that craving as much often as I can. This week I will get the sleep my body craves so it can perform the way I know it can and I know it wants to. This week I will smile at strangers and reach out to friends because I know you have put each person in my personal Universe for a reason and I gain so much from those interactions.

Well Universe, I need to head out now. I stepped off the scale and put on my workout clothes. I’m off to the gym, as promised. My organic gluten-free waffles are toasting away and I can smell them from here. Yummmmm. I’ll stop at DD for the coffee since my boy decided to go back to his place last night in order to avoid that fundraiser. *wink*

Thank you again for all you have done for me. I am blessed. And I know it.

Yours humbly, Ellen

Haven’t we all heard that one? Shopping for clothes and being sent to the fat girl section? Ugh. Today was the first time I was floored by that statement in a positive way. I was shopping in the fat girl section (of Nordstrom) only to find out that their 14W’s are now too big, at least in pants. My goodness I carry my weight up top, but I digress. So that’s what the lady said to me in the dressing room, looking at the absurd roominess of the slacks I was trying on. “You need to go to the other section, dear.” Wow, talk about a non-scale victory. Even more shocking was I went to the regular size zone and they didn’t look alarmed at seeing me there. No one asked me who I was shopping for. They just asked me if they could help me. I bought a sweater that was on sale. It was an XL, but a regular girl’s XL. I’m a bit thrown off by the whole experience. In a good way but I’m definitely living with funhouse mirrors of my body. I wonder when I’ll see myself as others see me. I suspect it’s a long-time coming.

My quest to Onederland is slow. Very very slow. But I’m getting there. My personal goal is to get there in February. And yes I realize that’s like 1 pound a week and I should probably set my sights a little higher but I just want to keep moving along this trajectory to Onederland. I’m trying to enjoy the journey. I think I may be enjoying it too much - the destination just isn’t that far away and yet I plod along. Ho-hum. It’s been hard to get in enough exercise the last few weeks - weather, interviews, and some health drama had the better of me for a bit - but I’m still working out several days a week (4?) and every time I do I think “I need to make more time for this again!” What I really need is a treadmill here at the house. But then I’d have to think of another excuse.

I had 3 very good interviews this week - I can see at least 2 of them moving forward. I hope I hope I hope. Today’s was for an amazing job that I would love to do. The money isn’t as terrific as I’d hoped it would be but the job would be so gratifying, and the experience would be worth it. The other 2 jobs pay boatloads… I’m just not sure if I want them at the same level as the one I interviewed for today. That said, it’s tough to turn down boatloads of cash, particularly when you’ve been without an income as long as I’ve been without one now. Ugh.

Anyway, I am clearly just rambling. I just wanted to share my nonscale victory and wish everyone a very very happy February. And so it goes. Hugs to all, Ellen

Friends,

Good weight news to report. I am down 2 pounds this week and have achieved my last mini-goal in the 200s! I just reset the ticker and have placed my next mini-goal at 6 pounds from now… 198. That is a number I haven’t seen in 15 years. Maybe more. I remember 199 about 15 years ago. I don’t know if I ever saw 198. Anyway, holy cow! This is big! And I’m getting smaller.

Another bizarro-world NSV for the week…  I had my annual mammogram. (Kevin, you can skip this paragraph if you want to!) In previous years they have had to do use 6 plates to take the full impression. I’m proud to say that this year they only needed the standard 4 plates. I’ve lost that much breast tissue - can you believe how happy I am about smaller boobs? But I come to the table (and to the shopping mall, and to church, and to everywhere) with impressive assets shall we say so I’m THRILLED to know end about this NSV.

Workouts with Claire went well this week and I did cardio every day except Wednesday. Today I plan to take a walk outside while someone is watching football. I love football. Love love love it. But I need a walk and it’s a good way to get some me-time. It’s funny, my mom started walking 2 miles every morning before work - I think exercise was secondary to her need for some alone time. She’s skinny as a rail, as always, and she still does it to this day. And she’s been retired for 15 years. I’ve met my father. A lovely man. And I’d go for a 2-mile walk every day to get some alone time too if I were living with him day in and day out!!!

Only negative of the week I can think about is insomnia hell but I think that has to do with 2 big things… job search stress (more activity this week, nothing huge but at least something is going on) and a new medication that a friend gave me to relax my back. It’s working but it seems to loosen  me up and somehow rev me up at the same time. Lesson learned - it’s a daytime med for me, not an overnight one!

So that’s my Saturday report. Good weigh in, bad sleeping. Rock on with your bad selves and let’s all try to think and talk as nicely to ourselves this week as we would about a good friend or to a stranger on the street. We are fabulous! Big hugs to all, Ellen

Short blog, but I have to post it because I’m just so happy about it! My doctor called and my cholesterol is down. We’re still not normal but we’re getting there. Down 25 points, unmedicated, since she tested it this Spring. I have a strong family history of cholesterol issues so this is a  major personal victory. And oddly enough I did it by eating red meat and cutting out the wheat and dairy - eat right for your blood type. I swear as much as I think it’s gimmicky, I do believe that my body works better all the way around when I eat like this.

Off to the gym to work out with Claire. Tick tock. Time’s a wasting. Hugs! Ellen

The lady at the Dunkin Donuts drive thru (where I was picking up my decaf, now allowed occasionally by the natural doctor - hooray!) told me I looked skinny.

Strangers at the gym are telling my trainer (and sometimes me) that I’m melting away.

And my cousin Annie said, “OMG Ellen you’re TINY!” And made me shop for new clothes so that I would get how they are supposed to fit.

And yet of course I still feel fat. Lovely time of year for the insecurity complex to be in full-swing. But I’m trying really hard to focus on the positive and do what I need to do to make sure I feel really good about myself this holiday season. Annie, btw, completely understands the whole family drama that I’m dealing with in my brain. Tried to talk me off the mental ledge and she did a pretty good job. We went shopping so I could see what fits and what doesn’t fit. It’s remarkable how much I don’t get the clothing thing at all, but I do know that her perspective on this helped because now I have a better idea of how not to feel dumpy in the clothes I do have right now. And Annie completely gets where I’m coming from - it’s nice to have a kindred spirit in the family that I can and do talk about anything and everything with. I just wish I saw her more often. My earlier blog comments about craving family were very very accurate. Annie met Tim on Saturday morning and gave me her seal of approval. I figured she would, but it’s always nice to be right on something like that!

I met Tim’s sister on Saturday night when we had our “first” date. The concert was great and Tim was so into it. It was very cute. I am nearly positive I passed the sister test with flying colors as she gave me a big hug and a kiss when we parted and told me she was looking forward to seeing me again soon. I know I’m almost 42 - like days away from it - but this may be the first time I’m meeting a boyfriend’s family members. I mean I’ve met them before, kinda, but never as the girlfriend per se. So I don’t know - I think I may be having an adult relationship. Crazy but true. In other good news, we spent the longest time together that we’ve ever spent and we got along great. No fighting, no bickering, no “omg is this over yet”. Just fun. Hooray.

Heading off to school now. Hugs to all, Ellen

OMG. I busted out the tape measure today. I had taken a baseline measurement in mid July with the intent of measuring progress monthly but have managed to forget to do that. But I did it today and Houston, we have progress!

July numbers:

Chest: 41.5
Bust: 46
Waist: 41
Hips: 49
Thigh: 26
Calf: 16.5
Arm: 15

November numbers:

Chest: 37.5
Bust: 44
Waist: 38
Hips: 46
Thigh: 23
Calf: 15.5
Arm: 13.5

If you add up all the numbers, I have lost 17.5 inches in the last 4 months. No wonder my pants are falling off of me. The 2 numbers that I’m most astonished by is the waist (where I carry the majority of my excess weight) and the thigh (because I know that’s from this walking challenge!) I’ve also been thinking that the boobs are shrinking, which they are, but given the data set above I imagine they look relatively bigger since everything around them in smaller. I think this is a win all the way around. LOL

Anyway, I know I’m bragging but I’m just so pleased with myself I can’t even stand it.  Thanks for putting up with my me-me-me blog today! XO Ellen

of clothes that don’t fit me anymore. A friend is coming over in a week or so to “go shopping” before I donate the remainder to charity. It’s absurd. Nothing fits. I’ve looked at myself in the mirror a lot the last few days (naked several times!) and I’m convinced… I’m downright skinny, for me. I mean 214 pounds isn’t skinny but seriously I’m like the world’s skinniest 214 pound person. I remember being this weight a few years ago - when I did Atkins - and I honestly wasn’t this slim. So here’s to walking and to Claire - I wouldn’t be contemplating a whole new wardrobe without either of those.

I’m not sure I’m completely ready to be skinny. I know that sounds weird too but I’ve never been skinny in my whole life, and I don’t know what it’s going to be like. What if I’m not the biggest person in the room anymore? What will that feel like? Will it be fun or will it be scary? Some part of me will always feel like the fattest girl in the place regardless of what the scale or size chart says. It’s a mental adjustment. I think that’s why I keep saying it out loud to myself. And to Claire. And to my shrink. I need to hear it. It’s not a mantra. And when I hit Onederland - holy cow. I’m beginning to think the family reaction to my weight loss is going to be difficult to handle over the holidays as well. I haven’t seen anyone in my family, including my parents, since the beginning of August when I started the gluten-free, casein-free lifestyle. I’m not sure I want to be the center of attention because of my weight - even if it is for a positive. It’s a bit overwhelming to think about. So I’ll think about something else…

Tim and I have date number 2 tomorrow night. We are both clearly looking forward to it - he’s so easy to talk to and he’s just ridiculously open about saying “You know what? I like you!” How refreshing. Anyway, we are going to a Cajun place - dinner and music. Another late meal but I’ve checked out the menu already and they seem to have good salads that I can enjoy as a healthy alternative. The place we’re going is pretty near his house. I did that on purpose - I’ll have to drive home (he lives like 30 minutes away with Chicago traffic) so I won’t be tempted to drink… saving calories. And brain cells. See, smart Ellen!

Hugs to all and thank you for all your continued support. I am better for it, and need it more than ever as I enter this next phase of me. Ellen

I took the weekend off. No walking for me. I’ve been fighting a horrible headcold since Friday - running a fever and everything - and I decided it wasn’t worth it to do the walking this weekend. So I will officially miss my weekly walking goal of 25 miles - and I’d like to just add, I’m perfectly okay with that.

That said, yesterday was eventful. First off, I went to the Coldwater Creek Spa with 2 of the 3 people I went to Wisconsin with (Cheryl and Paulette). It was Paulette’s birthday - an important notation here. And friends, if you have a Coldwater Creek Spa anywhere near you, please make an appointment today for the world’s best pedicure. They wash your feet by hand, cover you in blankets, and put a warm wrap around your neck. Then, get this, they tip chair back so you’re laying down, and they put a lavendar scented flax pillow over your eyes, and proceed to pamper you for 45 minutes or so. Just delicious. I’ll leave out the part of the warm booties they put you in after lotioning up your feet. (OH MY!) Coldwater Creek. Yes like the store. Run, don’t walk. I swear I don’t get kickbacks. LOL

So after the amazing pedicure we proceeded to go shopping downstairs, at of course Coldwater Creek. This was an exciting 200 dollar shopping trip (I know - and here I was saying just 2 days ago that I couldn’t go shopping). But honestly I could have spent more. And the best part was this: I bought all Ladies (not Women’s) clothing! An XL wine-colored sweater, an XL tan suede jacket (I have no jackets that fit!), and size 16 black slacks. Now, I will confess that their stuff tends to run a bit big but still I was very happy. And 200 bucks later I have an entire outfit that can also be mixed and matched with other things in my dwindling wardrobe. Fabulous!

So then I went shopping at Wild Oats so I could pick up a few things to bring to the party I was invited to - yes, the one where I would be meeting the potential guy. You’ll have to keep reading to find out…  and I bought some goat cheese and some rice crackers and a gluten-free pie so I could have dessert if I wanted it. All I did with the goat cheese btw was put it on a plate and let it soften a bit, then dump some cherry salsa over the top of it, and then arrange the crackers around it. So easy, so yummy, it was a hit.

Then I got dressed. Decided on the faded jeans and a tunic-y top with some sparkles in it. (Paulette is a big fan of the sparkles at it was here bday party of sorts.) And I got to the party about 6:30pm. I did really well on my food. It’s a big Italian family doing this, so dinner was baked ziti and garlic bread. Well I did have literally 6 ziti noodles, but I purposefully filled up on my appetizer and the celery that was on the veggie platter nearby so I wasn’t hungry. And I wasn’t drinking, not only because I was sick but also hello? I promised you I wouldn’t!

Sometime during the first hour or so, the 13-year old matchmaker came up to me all excited and said, “OMG that’s him he’s here! What do you think??” I told her to chill out. He ended up coming over and sitting at the table that I was at with about 6 other women - most of the men were watching sports and hanging out elsewhere. And we were introduced. No big deal. Then I got up a little while later to refill my water/ice and guess who follows me? That’s right - Tim. (He has a name.) And we proceeded to talk in the kitchen for an hour. Maybe more. During which time he asked me to go to a concert with him on December 1st and I agreed, and we exchanged phone numbers. (Woo hoo!) Fast forward to the end of the evening… when I’m leaving I give his sister-in-law a kiss on the cheek and thank her for her hospitality, he says “hey I’ll call you” and I say “great! and preferably well before the concert.” And I head out, pretty contented. I’m definitely interested but playing it pretty cool… as at least one certain buddy has constantly drilled into me lo these many months. Ahem.

So fast forward again to early this afternoon… ring ring ring. Guess who called? He told me a buddy chastised him for not walking me to the car (I was in the driveway… no big deal) and that the partygoers gave him the 3rd degree immediately after I walked out. Anyway, we talked for about 20 minutes and we set a first date for next weekend. We’re doing dinner and maybe music. So how fun is that? I’m very happy about this… it’s the first time I’ve met someone like this in a long time. I realize there’s a lot to know before I know if I like him like him or just like him, but at first glance he seems like a good guy. Attractive, age-appropriate, good family values, bright, funny, loves Tivo just like me, has traveled some but wants to do more, didn’t freak out about my gluten-free living and even tasted the pie (which we both agreed was not good at all). All the way around, a good fit. Oh and here’s the amazing kicker… I FEEL TINY AROUND HIM. He’s a wall of a human being. He’s got to be 6′2″ and he’s very broad. I’m a TINY girl around him. If that doesn’t make him a keeper I don’t know what does?

So anyway, despite my yukky cold which thankfully didn’t interfere too terribly much I done snagged me a date! Set-up successful so far… we’ll see how it goes. Of course, they were planning our wedding in Wisconsin when they realized we were both available. I haven’t started looking at china patterns yet. I think I’ll wait til our first totally on-our-own dinner. Ha!

More soon. I’m going to make some tea and honey per an old Russian grandmother’s recipe and hunker down for the night.  Air kisses to all - don’t want to get you guys sick!

Ellen

Much to my surprise, the scale was kind this morning. This is not my official weigh-in day, just my “how much damage did you do this weekend” weigh-in. And there was no gain (but no loss) from my weekend in Wisconsin. I did well sticking to the no gluten routine, but had a pumpkin pie latte while I was gone so there was casein for sure. And I definitely ate some crap - chips being the most egregious violation. Luckily, it seems like for the most part, I did okay. I concentrated my meals on protein and veggies, and it appears I offset the other food choices with walking. I got in 16 miles while gone. It wasn’t even that hard to do believe it or not. The first day I hit the treadmill in the hotel for a few miles. The next day I did a 5 mile walk while everyone else was getting their respective days started. Then one day we went to a state park and I got a few miles in there as well. I wore my pedometer all around so I was able to track the miles we were walking that I wouldn’t normally even know about. All in all it was good.

A high point of the weekend - I bought a size Large in the regular ladies section of a boutique. Yes, it’s oversized. No question about that. But it’s still a great nsv. Another odd yet high point… as I think I told you, I was certainly the smallest person on the trip… probably not by a lot with 2 of them but I’m certainly in a lot better shape than anyone else. On Sunday night, we were going to hit the pool/hot tub for a bit. I came down in my swimsuit and  cover-up and one of the ladies said, “I want to tell you something but I don’t want you to be offended.” I was like I won’t be. She said, “Even though you’re a bigger girl, you have a very beautiful body. You’re so proportionate and so strong. And I don’t think you have any cellulite on your legs at all!” The other woman in the room agreed. I wasn’t offended - I was very flattered. It was nice to get some acknowledgment for all my hard work.

Heading outside for a nice long walk. I am at 203 miles and counting. Today is my last day for the week tally and while I’m already over my minimal goal for the week, I’d like to add at least 4 miles to it today. Hugs to all, Ellen

And what I learned yesterday was a bit odd, and certainly too much information for many of you to hear. That said, I feel like sharing.

Did you know that a thong can actually be too big? I found that out yesterday. I don’t normally wear them but it made sense yesterday with what I was wearing. So I dug around the drawer and pulled out a very nice simple, white thong. I pulled it on and it felt weird, and not in the usual way. ha ha. No honestly! It was bunching… and sagging a bit in the you-know-what.  I debated on whether to wear it anyway - convinced that it was impossible for a little piece of fabric like that to be too big. But then it occurred to me… what if I’m wrong? What if I wear this out, and what if it falls down to my knees while I’m walking around baggage claim looking for my friend? How mortifying would that have been? I decided not to chance it. I also made the important decision to throw this particular article of clothing out - it won’t ever fit any better than it did yesterday.

I also found out why you can see the thong coming out of the back of so many teen girls’ jeans… their jeans are low riders. I don’t wear low-riders of course, as I’m 41 but it happened to me yesterday for the first time. My jean skirt in this case was loose in the waistband and was sitting lower on my hips. I’m sure it’s happened before, but it’s just that for the first time walking around I realized that the waistband of the panty was higher than the waistband of my skirt. Another first, at least in terms of me noticing.

Okay I need to go do some walking now and I’m just having trouble motivating today. I’m just wiped out - major storm here last night and I had a major sinus headache to contend with at the same time. I just didn’t sleep well. I know I’ll feel better and more alert once I get going. The issue, however, is how to get myself going. I may need to pull from my famous positive outlook bank here to get me in the right frame of mind. I’m working it, I’m working it… I’m working it… Okay I think I got it: There are so few beautiful days left and this is one I want to enjoy. The sun is shining and the air is cool. What better time to be outside and enjoying the world we live in.

I triumph over short-term adversity for the greater good.

Ellen