arewethereyet

Most people would think that the harsh reality check of the scale this Sunday morning would have been my most painful reality check. And it was painful, seeing that so much of my hard work over the last year had slipped away from me through my own complacence. But in truth, my toughest reality check came last night. At the gym. Where I was humbled by the ellyptical machine which had my number in 6 minutes. And where I struggled to complete 40 minutes on a treadmill.

I got the world’s worst cold over Thanksgiving weekend. I couldn’t work out for 2 weeks because I was trying to get well for my wedding. Success! And then I relapsed when we got home and didn’t work out before the holidays. During the holidays, I was well. I chose not to go to the gym. It is what it is. But I see the effects.

At first I was embarrassed about how out of shape I had become in 5 weeks. Then, epiphany, I figured it out. It’s not 5 weeks. It’s waaaay more than 5 weeks. A year ago, I was the workout queen. I hit the gym every day for at least an hour. I did cardio. I did weights. I had a trainer. I took fitness classes. I was a happy and yes somewhat obsessed gym rat.

And then I started working again. And working on my MBA. And navigating a relationship and planning a wedding and combining households and… yeah, I was busy. It was too much. And I thought I had it. And I thought I could let it slide and maintain my fitness by going to the gym a few days here and a few days there.

And you know what, it worked. I could fake being fit, to myself. I could get it back - the tone, the pace, the heart rate - in just a day or so. But the delusion was over last night, when I got on a treadmill and said you’ve got to be kidding me. And I started watching the clock. And counting down. And counting up. And wishing my gym time away.

And lamenting my backslide. It’s a harsher reality than 10 pounds on a scale. I accepted a long time ago that I was never going to be ‘that skinny girl.’ But I was proud of my fitness level. Today I am once again humbled by reality but blessed with self-knowledge. And that is some small comfort.

Here is today’s quote, which seems fitting for the occasion:

Too true.

To say that I was a good buddy in 2008 is a massive horrifying embarrassing overstatement. I’m not even sure that I logged in after March. Ugh. I write today to re-establish myself on the site, to reconnect with old friends, to beg forgiveness for disappearing, and to ask for help as I continue this life journey.

 I have had a backslide. My weight is up - and I’m the not-so-proud owner of 10 MORE holiday pounds. This is what happens when a cold sidelines me at Thanksgiving for 3 1/2 weeks. This is what happens when I abandon what I know works for me. This is what happens when I say “I deserve to celebrate!” and what I mean is “I can eat that.” In short, this is what happens when I get complacent.

Today, I cannot own my weight for you. I cannot say it out loud here. Maybe soon. I have made great strides mentally and food-wise in the last 2 days since my commitment began anew. I am gluten free once more. I am following my bloody diet, and seeking out foods that are medicines to me not poisons. And I’m gearing up for my new gym… in fact, I will go tonight. This I pledge to you all.

For those of you who are return readers, I have major updates to report beyond the fact of my continued weight struggle.

1. I am gainfully employed and have been since March 2008. The 9 months off were great for me mentally but painful to the pocketbook as I’m sure many here can relate to! I like my job. And I have found balance in the fact that I am not my job - a problem I suffered with before I left my former employer in search of me. And I’ve been very successful at my job - it’s a sales job and it appears that I will finish my rookie year at 125% of goal and near the very top of the performers. All in all, work is good.

2. I am married. When last we spoke, I had met and had fallen for a wonderful man named Tim. He came over some time in February and never left. He proposed on June 6th and we married on December 13th. It has been a wonderful magical time for me in my personal life that is for sure. I am blessed no doubt with the unwavering love of a good man. At long last, I have found my partner in life and it makes me teary to think about how long I struggled to find him.

These two major events in my life have been great on their own, but I have found it difficult to prioritize my health plan because of the all-encompassing natur of each. Tim and I declared 2009 the year of Us. And I am declaring the Me in Us beyond important - I am declaring the Me in Us to be mission critical.

My goal, with your help, is to be a healthy weight and proud of my strong body. Today I am proud of myself for taking the first steps back. Thank you in advance for your welcome.

Ellen

Dear Universe,

Thank you for my gift on the scale this morning. I don’t know how to explain a 1/2 pound loss with only 2 days of cardio and one day of weight training, and multiple examples of me cheating on my diet. Thank you for showing me that you can be merciful, even when I haven’t earned it.

Thank you also for the plethora of nonscale victories this week. Thank you for the new size 14W suit that fit me off the rack, no alterations, that was on sale for 160 bucks. Thank you for the Coldwater Creek shopping day when you showed me that I cannot wear a 1X anymore no matter how often I try to put them on. Thank you for the gigantic “NORDIC TRACK” sign in Sears - if we hadn’t been standing at that dumb PageComm kiosk at the mall for so long yesterday I would have gotten my run in, but instead I saw that sign and I found out that I can get a really nice treadmill (one that my 203.5 pound frame can run on well) for 800 bucks. Thank you for the insane number of compliments I received last night at the fundraiser - I thought I looked cute enough in my jeans and sparkly stretch shirt but apparently I also looked downright skinny. I must remember to wear that again soon.

Thank you for the people in my life. Thank you for the patience of my cousin Annie, who is the one who made me buy that shirt I wore last night, and is the one who sat there in the Nordstrom dressing room saying “no that doesn’t fit, no that’s too big, no that’s not your size” until I heard her. Thank you for the love in my life who springs out of bed in the morning to make me coffee and oatmeal, carefully slicing half a banana and layering sprinkles of cinnamon sugar throughout. Thank you for the support of family and friends throughout the unemployment drama of the last 8 months. I sense it is coming to an end now, which I thank you for as well, but I know I never would have made it without that support. And thank you for sending me to BuddySlim where I have found the motivation to continue my weight loss journey during this period of unemployment, a situation which I know would have made me eat and eat and eat in the past.

When I look at all my blessings, Universe, I know that I am not doing my part. It is time for me to step up and give back to you. I need to take this one-day-at-a-time. This week I promise you that I will give my body nourishing food and take my supplements religiously because I respect my body as you respect me. This week I will move my body whenever and wherever I can. I will go to the gym and on days when it is too cold or too snowy or too whatever I will move my body at home. I will put on an exercise DVD or I will put on my iPod and dance until I drop. My body craves that workout, and I will give into that craving as much often as I can. This week I will get the sleep my body craves so it can perform the way I know it can and I know it wants to. This week I will smile at strangers and reach out to friends because I know you have put each person in my personal Universe for a reason and I gain so much from those interactions.

Well Universe, I need to head out now. I stepped off the scale and put on my workout clothes. I’m off to the gym, as promised. My organic gluten-free waffles are toasting away and I can smell them from here. Yummmmm. I’ll stop at DD for the coffee since my boy decided to go back to his place last night in order to avoid that fundraiser. *wink*

Thank you again for all you have done for me. I am blessed. And I know it.

Yours humbly, Ellen

Oddly enough I don’t feel stress about food this holiday season. I know what I can eat, I know what I have to avoid. And I know I’ll find time to exercise and burn off calories. All is good. Except. It’s not. My anxiety level is on the rise and as we count down the days to Christmas Eve, I’m finding myself more and more stressed.

I feel stupid for feeling this way, but I do. My weight has been a defining issue for me my entire life. And I’ve always resented that.  I’ve always been the fat one in the family, and I’ve never felt good enough as a result. Even when I was winning scholarships or being promoted at work. I was always that fat one. The fat daughter, the fat cousin, the niece, the fat friend. I don’t if everyone felt that way - but I do know I always felt that way.

And now we are less than 4 weeks away from Christmas, and I’m still fat. But I’m not nearly as big as I was. I’m proud of my accomplishments - truly - but I must tell you the truth, thinner or fatter I’m sick and tired of feeling defined by my weight. I don’t want to talk about my diet with these people now anymore than I wanted to talk about it when I was heavier. I just want it to be a non-issue. But it’s an issue, for me. And I’m worried that there is no reaction (positive, negative, ignored) that will not be an issue for me. I hate that I feel this way. I’m almost 42 years old and I’m sitting here this week cowering in fear about the way my mother, my aunts, my cousins will look at me. It’s pathetic. And I’m tired of it. I’m better than this, and yet I can’t get out of my own way.

This blog is coming today because today is my first test. My cousin Annie is coming to town and I love her to pieces. We have a lot in common. She’s struggled with her weight just as I have and I know that it has played a role in her quest to find true love just as it has haunted me behind the scenes in that department. I don’t know how she’ll react to me. She’s a great barometer for me to know how others will react. And I’m going to use her to figure out how to deal with it. Part of me will be crushed if she doesn’t immediately notice. Part of me will be thrilled if she doesn’t make a big deal out of it. And all of me can’t wait to see her regardless. I’m craving family right now, despite the fact that I’m honestly terrified of them, or more accurately my own reaction to them.

I’m not even sure this blog makes sense anymore but I’m grateful for the opportunity to put it down on virtual paper and to own it as my personal truth. Thank you for your support. Ellen

OMG. I busted out the tape measure today. I had taken a baseline measurement in mid July with the intent of measuring progress monthly but have managed to forget to do that. But I did it today and Houston, we have progress!

July numbers:

Chest: 41.5
Bust: 46
Waist: 41
Hips: 49
Thigh: 26
Calf: 16.5
Arm: 15

November numbers:

Chest: 37.5
Bust: 44
Waist: 38
Hips: 46
Thigh: 23
Calf: 15.5
Arm: 13.5

If you add up all the numbers, I have lost 17.5 inches in the last 4 months. No wonder my pants are falling off of me. The 2 numbers that I’m most astonished by is the waist (where I carry the majority of my excess weight) and the thigh (because I know that’s from this walking challenge!) I’ve also been thinking that the boobs are shrinking, which they are, but given the data set above I imagine they look relatively bigger since everything around them in smaller. I think this is a win all the way around. LOL

Anyway, I know I’m bragging but I’m just so pleased with myself I can’t even stand it.  Thanks for putting up with my me-me-me blog today! XO Ellen

because I was able to go to my favorite Step class with my favorite instructor and let me tell you it was crazy fun. People started showing up early early early and we were packed in the room. The class had dwindled to 4 or so people in recent months, since Brandy was gone. Today we had 32 and there were 10 people waiting outside the door when I arrived at 8:55 for a 9:30 class. Seriously we are so happy. And I didn’t fall off my Step and I remembered an awful of the Stepping techniques. I honestly felt even more cardio healthy than I used to when I was doing it all the time. There is no doubt in my mind that the Walking Challenge has made a huge difference there. And now that my AT is so much higher (it was already pretty high) and my fat burning efficiency is so much improved, I think I probably burned about 700 calories of fat today… which is amazing. I’m just so happy right now I can’t stand it.

After I remembered that I could go to Step, I also remembered that I had a great date with a great guy last night who seems to be even more into me than I am into him, which is saying something since I like him a lot. He’s already asked if we can go out again next weekend. And I’ve already said yes. We’re taking baby steps to turn this from dating into a relationship. But we’re definitely taking steps and I sense it will move that way as well.

I plan to finish my paper today, walk 3 miles outside (these blisters on my heels are just a nightmare) and meet some gals from my gym at a club around 8pm. At first I was like ‘maybe I shouldn’t go,’ but now I’m thinking why not? Meet new people, have some fun, do some dancing, and enjoy! And it’s late enough that I know I can have a healthy sensible dinner here and not eat junk food on the go.

Oh! I forgot this part - I did weigh in this morning. I’m down 1.5 pounds this week, and holy cow it was Halloween! I’m really thrilled with my progress and I credit your support and cheering as a key component in my success. Thanks, my dear buddies.

Ellen

Please join me in a happy dance - my first official Saturday weigh-in (date changed because of my new team… the Hot Rods!) was a good one. I’m down 3 pounds - actually I guess it’s technically 3.5 now that I think about it! So what does this mean? (1) I lost all my Wisconsin ‘baggage’ and then some (2) I hit my first mini goal (3) I got a red star - woo hoo!! and (4) My rules work for me! So happy happy - joy joy!! Let’s dance.

And after all that dancing, I am taking tonight off my rules. Pretty much all of them I think. My big date is tonight and he has to work today and won’t get home until 6:30 ish so we are having a late supper, at an Italian restaurant where there’s bound to be gluten and casein in spades. So what’s my plan of attack? (1) Walk 6 miles today. (2) Eat bulky light calories (big salads, etc) and no grains at all during the day. (3) Get through the gallon of water before the date and drink lots of it on the date. (4) At the restaurant, choose a a strong protein meal and start with a salad to fill up. No dessert, no pasta dish, no pizza! Anyway, I deserve a night off so I’m taking it. But don’t worry - I know I don’t deserve all day off, and I don’t deserve tomorrow off so know that I will be very much on track before and afterward. I just want to have a really good time tonight. I’m really excited for this date - more than I’ve been in a long while. I already know that I think he’s cute, and he’s easy to talk to, and he laughs easily… so hopefully there will be some real magic to report tomorrow.

Allrighty kiddoes I realize this is a short post for me, particularly when I haven’t blogged all wee, but I clearly have a lot to do before tonight! Including 6 miles. And figuring out what I’m going to wear! Yikes!

Have a wonderful Saturday my beautiful buddies. I wish you happiness and joy all day long. Hugs! Ellen

And honestly I’m doing quite well with it. I’m kinda proud of myself. I’ve been within my calories and thanks to the food journal I know it. I’ve done very well on making good food choices and I know this because my pie chart looks pretty darn good! I’m choosing ‘medicinal’ foods for my blood type and not just neutrals and that’s also helping I think quite a bit.

My biggest challenge has been hunger after 7pm. I am genuinely hungry in the evenings. So I think it means I’m not eating quite enough during the day. Or at dinner. But I’ve done it - no snacking this week after dinner. I’ve snacked during the day of course, but that’s built in to my eating plan. I just had a yummy honey crisp apple for my pm snack and gals I gotta tell ya, it just rocked. So crunchy and delicious. I get excited when my body craves healthy food.

I’m fighting a cold. Which also means that I’m fighting to get myself to the gym. But today I went and I did a great job. 4 miles, slowly on purpose. I decided to do hills mostly to keep me from wanting to jog too much. My legs have been wanting a break but I haven’t felt like I could give them one… Thanksgiving Challenge is very very motivating for me. And so I just wanted to walk today. In the third mile I ran a few ‘wind sprints’ - I’d take the treadmill up to 5.0 and run for a minute, then I’d bring it back down to 3.5 for a few minutes. Nothing too crazy and it gets it done faster. That said, running is becoming somewhat more difficult for me. Not because I am in worse shape - far from it. It’s because my super-constricting sports bra is not as constricting as it once was. (Ergo, I bounce, which is not comfortable.) Don’t get me wrong - I’m happy about that. But these bras are not cheap and I am not employed. I may experiment with putting one of them in the dryer to see if that helps tighten things up.

Tomorrow it seems I am being set up by the people I went to Wisconsin with. I’m willing my cold to hold off so I’m able to be sparkly self. The guy is age appropriate and available; hopefully he’s fun and kind and handsome. I’ve been thinking about what to wear - I think I’m going to have to pull a dryer routine on my blue jeans to make them fit a bit more snugly. How weird is it to think about tightening things up and not about how tight things are? It’s my obsession of late. But I cannot buy new things right now. It’s just not smart financially at all. I will buy new things when I hit Onederland… so the holidays are my goal for that!

Okay time to think about dinner, which is chicken for sure. I’m supposed to want beef, according to my blood type, but today… not so much. So chicken it is. Have a wonderful weekend everyone and I will check in on you for sure.

I give what I get and I get what I give. I am surrounded by people who love and support me.

Ellen

I have my first official gain since joining BuddySlim - 1.5 pounds. I’m not happy about it, of course, but I’m keeping it in perspective. I’m sure it’s just a temporary wake-up call from the Wisconsin trip, which was as reported an exercise in portion out-of-control and snacking. Despite the fact that I kept to my gluten free plan, I know I can’t eat anything I want to and not see scale repercussions. So it is what it is… and next week it will be gone. I assure you.

For the rest of my Thanksgiving Walking Challenge, I will commit to the following:

1. No alcohol. This should be easy for me as I rarely drink, except in Wisconsin it seems.

2. Eating at the kitchen table only. I have gotten sloppy on this lately - eating at the computer while I do other things for example. I do best when I make a meal out of it and focus on it. I suspect this leads to mindless eating that by definition I am not even aware of.

3. Rededication to the Food Journal. I did that for a few weeks but I stopped. It seems to help me so I will go back to it. I will also plan my food before hand as well as report it afterwards.

4.  Finish eating for the day by 7pm, which will be a good testament to how well I am planning and executing on my food.

5. Focus on the other aspects of the Eat Right For Your Blood Type diet, beyond the gluten-free, casein-free rules.

I’m happy to have a written plan again!  It helps me so much. I wonder why I forget it so easily? It just seems to happen. I think I get lazy and I have to remember that I need to be fully engaged in this process or else I will not see the success I’m working so hard for. I work out so much, so hard, so well… but it all is for naught if I don’t work a food plan at the same time. And I mean work it, not just do it.

You are all wonderful buddies. Thank you so much for providing me a safe place to be myself and to learn from you all. I am truly blessed to have you in my life.

Ellen

I’m beginning to think I have PMS. I’m definitely having a down feeling today again and I checked the calendar and it’s been about 3.5 weeks. Now the truly odd thing about me having PMS is that technically I’m post menopausal. Tests showed that my hormones dropped out on me completely 2 years ago and I haven’t had a period since February 2006. Seriously. But this could be cyclical - these down feelings - so I’m thinking about charting it. And even though you’ve only known me a month, I think you all know how much I enjoy charting things. LOL Anyway, I’m just monitoring it to see what’s what.

All that said, I can at least look back at my blogs and see that what ultimately worked for me was faking it til I make it. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to send beautiful positive energy out to the universe, find the sunny side on every street, and keep on trucking. And I expect that somewhere over the weekend the cloud will lift.

Does anyone else struggle with depression? (You can PM me if you don’t want to post about it here.) I’m just absurdly open about my struggles there and it doesn’t embarrass me at all anymore. I gave up shielding myself and others from my personal truths a long time ago, as honestly I thought that layer of protection was isolating me more and making me more depressed. I finally accepted, “Hey this is who I am and you know what, I’m pretty okay.” Even the depression I deal with now isn’t based on not liking myself… it’s just sometimes the world overwhelms me. I can’t even explain it really - it’s mostly like some days I wake up and I feel like something heavy is sitting on my shoulders and my chest. And it’s a sadness that I can’t name. I don’t sob or anything… anymore. (Better living through chemistry? You bet.) And honestly most days I’m fine. It’s just these cycles. God, I’m sick of them.

I tend to not want to do anything on these days - I finally figured out what I was willing to eat for breakfast (3 chicken/apple sausage, 1 slice of ezekiel toast with cherry spread) and now I’m gearing myself up for a big walking day. It’s been a slow walking week for me - lots of appointments - so I’ve got some catching up to do. I’m also halfway dressed now - this actually is fairly telling, isn’t it? I’ve been up for several hours and I’ve just eaten something and am fully dressed from the waist down. Still in the nightshirt so don’t worry about me sitting here writing with the girls all hangin’ out. That’s an image.

All righty, I need to get my first 4 miles in. I will read your journals and find inspiration in my day through you all. You are wonderful.

I celebrate the beauty that surrounds me.

Ellen