arewethereyet

Two things I lack. Balance and focus. I am trying to find them. Or at least know where they might be so I can access them from time to time. Has anyone seen them? Give them my number, please!! LOL

 Life is good. We have been doing a good job of going to the gym. I’m trying to get back to a daily routine. Right now I’d say that it’s a 5 day a week proposition… maybe 4 depending on someone else’s motivation. And, yes, my own. Yesterday I did 35 minutes on the ellyptical machine at the gym. It said I went 4.35 miles. How is that possible? I couldn’t run that far in twice as much time. Well, maybe I could. But just barely. Then i did some upper body weight training and some core work. Then I jumped on the treadmill next to Tim and did 10 minutes big time hard, with 2 minute running sprints sprinkled in there to get the distance in. I did several minutes at 5MPH, which for me is running like I’m being chased… for real. I felt great. I felt psychologically great that I could do this. I felt physically pretty good too - a few muscle aches when I got home but a little stretching took care of it all.

On Monday Tim leaves for Michigan where he has found some work. He’ll be there for 6 days and then he can come home for 2 nights. This doesn’t seem fair to my honeymoon status, does it? I will miss him a lot but I’ll confess that I’m looking forward to some of that selfish-Ellen time that I referenced in January. I really need to put me first again for a while and dealing with a new husband who needs a life coach and personal trainer in addition to a wife makes that all-desired balance and focus issue all the more challenging.

Food has been good. I’m excited for some purely Ellen food to make sure I’m on track. Last week, Tim made a pepper steak that looked great to me, and then he confessed that he dredged the meat in regular flour. I refused it and made myself some brown rice with broccoli as a substitute but it’s so hard to look someone in the eyes and say, no I won’t eat that when they’ve tried their best to make something you’d like. And I would have loved it, except for the gluten! He’s subscribed to a recipe newsletter for people with gluten intolerance - I didn’t even know it existed. He’s trying. I love that about him.

And yet I’m still rather looking forward to my own time, my own space, my own priorities. To focus. And to balance me. And then to add his needs back in once I am where I need to be mentally.

Looking forward to catching up with you all! Thanks for reading, if you made it this far! Ellen

By the site. I can’t seem to respond to emails - does anyone else have that problem? Takes forever to load - and often does not. I have the same trouble accepting buddies - so if you think I’m ignoring you, I’m not. I’m just a bit, um, silenced.

Except for my blog, which is a good thing as I am currently just in general annoyed. I think it has really hit me how much extra work this is going to be on me having Tim working so far from home. On the plus side (?) we have learned that this job will be 17 work days (in 3 weeks). So it’s a finite amount. Then he should move to a new facility closer to home. Same hours, same stressors but hopefully a bit more time with my husband, and a bit more ability on my part to share the burden of the homefront. I had a mini-meltdown earlier today when I texted him and said, call me as soon as you get on the road, and he called me 10 minutes later to tell me he had been on the road 45 minutes. I had just gotten to the gym for some me time and I just felt put upon, particularly since this was actually a day off for me. But I got in my workout - just 30 minutes on the ellyptical machine (which by the way I handled with aplomb, compared to my first day back at the gym.) Got a nice sweat up and got my heart rate raised. Did some minor interval training - kept it at a steady 5.0 - 5.5 mph but when I wanted to get it going big time I did 30 or 60 second intervals at 8.0. Yes, I was hauling there for a bit, but it was good. I really wanted to get to the gym today to do something after yesterday’s workout. I do better and feel better if I don’t take a day off. I want to get back to it at that level again.

I came home and made chicken in a raspberry sauce (very good GF recipe I found) with brown rice and spinach. I had blueberries for desert. I did well on my food today all the way around. In fact I think I’m going to self-acknowledge here. I did great today. WTG me. The only thing I would have changed about the day is getting to the gym earlier so I could a full hour in.

Tomorrow I work from home (so I can watch the inauguration primarily). My boss is on sales calls in AZ so he is going to be incommunicado most of the day. I should be able to make calls to clients, work on projects, and weep uncontrollably over change from the comfort of my own living room.

Hugs to all. Have a good night. Ellen

PS:Oh. I forgot to say this - how dopey of me. I am down 5 pounds in 2 weeks. There is both good and bad news there… I was down 5 pounds in the first week. This week I have just stayed the same. I feel a loss coming on this week. I’m going to say 3 lbs. That’s my personal goal for the week (by next Monday.) Wish me luck.

What a lovely Sunday it has been. I woke up around 9am and watched Tim sleep for a while. He woke around 9:20 and didn’t realize I was awake - he slipped out of the room quietly which was sweet. I lounged in bed til 9:30 and then decided well that was enough of that and began my day.

Looking back, our day was in many ways all about food but kinda in a good way. Tim begins a new job tomorrow about 75 miles from the house. He was going to stay in a motel near there but last night told me that he really wanted to try to commute. I am against it - he’ll be working 6 10-hour shifts a week as far as we know and adding 150 miles of driving a day to that is just too much, you know? Anyway, this work schedule puts me squarely 100% of the house, and squarely 100% in charge of the food. I decided to meal plan, and make a nice healthy list. When Tim works this many hours, he can eat us out of house and home. So I wanted to make sure he was getting good food as much as possible. I didn’t want him to be buying stuff off of the ‘roach coach’ - that’s just bad for him on so many levels and it’s not cheap either! So we are now set for the week. I read some good recipes too in my GF/WF book and I’m creating multi-tiered meals that I can repackage for him for other meals during the week. Tonight we had meatloaf (low fat, GF) with sweet potatoes and green beans and Tim’s got a perfect dinner already for him for later in the week. And I can just pop it in the microwave when he’s done with his shower.

I will confess to all of you that I was sad and a wee bit happy when we thought he’d be gone 5 nights a week. The sad is obvious - this is my new husband and I adore him of course. But I have always relished my alone time and I don’t get all that much of it lately. I was looking forward to cooking my own food, with no “will he like it?” attached to it when I bust out and create some ‘Ellen’ food. Truthfully he’s actually handling the GF pretty well - not that his bread is GF. Just the recipes I make for dinner etc. The other thing I was looking forward to was no-excuses gym time. I find it difficult to leave him when I get home from work and we haven’t seen each other all day (I know, it’s nauseating newlywed time here) and I find it difficult to drag him with. I think this coming week I’m going to get focused on the gym. Like, when I get home from work, I’ll have a snack and then I’ll go work out. Then I’ll come home and eat another snack and get cleaned up so I’m all purty well he gets in. Not that he’ll notice because he’ll be so knocked out.

Anyway, I think this will require some organization, both mental and physical, the next few weeks. I can’t figure out how to do it otherwise.

Today after the fooding was done - I made myself some GF cookies for treats after I made Tim’s brunch (he was out shoveling - another thing I’ll have to do on my own this week!) - I went to the gym. Victory! I did 4 miles in an hour. That includes a full mile of serious freakin incline and some speed drills that I picked up from Bob on Biggest Loser… when he was yelling at that lady (was is Joelle or something like that?) Anyway, from time to time I just pushed the speed up to 6 mph and ran for 30 seconds. I did probably 3 30-second spurts in the last 2 miles. I also did 2 1-minute spurts at the same 6 mph. I realize this isn’t supersonic fast for most people, but for me it was running like I was being chased. By a serious bad guy. A few days ago I was struggling big time at the gym. Today I worked hard, but I could do it. My spirit was renewed. My body remembered what it could do back when I worked at it. It rewarded me with stamina and reasonable grace. Tonight it is punishing me a bit for the months of carelessness but that’s okay. I know I can do it when I try and when I am motivated and it feels oh so good to know that again.

Here comes my husband. I think he’s heading to bed. I hope he’s heading to bed. 5 am comes awfully early that’s for sure.

More soon, Ellen

Most people would think that the harsh reality check of the scale this Sunday morning would have been my most painful reality check. And it was painful, seeing that so much of my hard work over the last year had slipped away from me through my own complacence. But in truth, my toughest reality check came last night. At the gym. Where I was humbled by the ellyptical machine which had my number in 6 minutes. And where I struggled to complete 40 minutes on a treadmill.

I got the world’s worst cold over Thanksgiving weekend. I couldn’t work out for 2 weeks because I was trying to get well for my wedding. Success! And then I relapsed when we got home and didn’t work out before the holidays. During the holidays, I was well. I chose not to go to the gym. It is what it is. But I see the effects.

At first I was embarrassed about how out of shape I had become in 5 weeks. Then, epiphany, I figured it out. It’s not 5 weeks. It’s waaaay more than 5 weeks. A year ago, I was the workout queen. I hit the gym every day for at least an hour. I did cardio. I did weights. I had a trainer. I took fitness classes. I was a happy and yes somewhat obsessed gym rat.

And then I started working again. And working on my MBA. And navigating a relationship and planning a wedding and combining households and… yeah, I was busy. It was too much. And I thought I had it. And I thought I could let it slide and maintain my fitness by going to the gym a few days here and a few days there.

And you know what, it worked. I could fake being fit, to myself. I could get it back - the tone, the pace, the heart rate - in just a day or so. But the delusion was over last night, when I got on a treadmill and said you’ve got to be kidding me. And I started watching the clock. And counting down. And counting up. And wishing my gym time away.

And lamenting my backslide. It’s a harsher reality than 10 pounds on a scale. I accepted a long time ago that I was never going to be ‘that skinny girl.’ But I was proud of my fitness level. Today I am once again humbled by reality but blessed with self-knowledge. And that is some small comfort.

Here is today’s quote, which seems fitting for the occasion:

Too true.

Well I’ve decided it’s time to do a cleanse again. I’ve found myself craving chocolate and bad things and being more knoshy than I would like to be. It’s not normal for me anymore and I don’t like it. I feel like I need to do something dramatic to break the cycle so I’m cleansing. First step is an herbal total body cleanse. I picked up the kit at Whole Foods today. I’ve also grabbed a bunch of organic juices to use during the cleans itself. It’s very exciting. Not. Actually I’ve done these before with good results. It’s just a process - psychological as much as physical for me - that gets me back on track with my eating and my focus.

I’m finding Tim irritating as hell right now. Okay that’s not fair. He’s wonderful. But what’s irritating is that he’s down almost 10 pounds from last week. And he’s eating crap. I on the other hand am up like 2 pounds this week. I have been eating too much - but by and large it’s been too much good for me food. Like I said, I’m knoshy.

Anyway, he’s in the kitchen right now. He’s making this uber-garlic chicken for us for dinner. It smells heavenly in here right now. I’m glad we’re both eating this because holy cow it’s gonna be a stinky ol night around here that’s for sure. LOL

I did 5 miles at the gym today. Feeling very proud of that. It used to be a daily habit. Now it’s an exciting accomplishment. I really really really need to get a treadmill for the house. I want to be doing 5 miles a day no matter what and getting to the gym is getting harder and harder, and will only get more challenging as the work situation firms up. On the plus side there, I have about 2 miles built into my day once I begin commuting again. It’s about a half mile to the train from the house and a half mile to the office from the train station once I get to the city. So you know what, that is excellent news. I’m suddenly excited about that possibility too.

Golly I’m in a very positive mood today. It’s kinda odd. I’m not sure what’s driving it. Perhaps it’s the garlic that’s wafting through the house. I’m serious when I tell you it smells awesome in here right now. Must go sniff the boyfriend.

Have a good weekend everyone. XO Ellen

Dear Universe,

Thank you for my gift on the scale this morning. I don’t know how to explain a 1/2 pound loss with only 2 days of cardio and one day of weight training, and multiple examples of me cheating on my diet. Thank you for showing me that you can be merciful, even when I haven’t earned it.

Thank you also for the plethora of nonscale victories this week. Thank you for the new size 14W suit that fit me off the rack, no alterations, that was on sale for 160 bucks. Thank you for the Coldwater Creek shopping day when you showed me that I cannot wear a 1X anymore no matter how often I try to put them on. Thank you for the gigantic “NORDIC TRACK” sign in Sears - if we hadn’t been standing at that dumb PageComm kiosk at the mall for so long yesterday I would have gotten my run in, but instead I saw that sign and I found out that I can get a really nice treadmill (one that my 203.5 pound frame can run on well) for 800 bucks. Thank you for the insane number of compliments I received last night at the fundraiser - I thought I looked cute enough in my jeans and sparkly stretch shirt but apparently I also looked downright skinny. I must remember to wear that again soon.

Thank you for the people in my life. Thank you for the patience of my cousin Annie, who is the one who made me buy that shirt I wore last night, and is the one who sat there in the Nordstrom dressing room saying “no that doesn’t fit, no that’s too big, no that’s not your size” until I heard her. Thank you for the love in my life who springs out of bed in the morning to make me coffee and oatmeal, carefully slicing half a banana and layering sprinkles of cinnamon sugar throughout. Thank you for the support of family and friends throughout the unemployment drama of the last 8 months. I sense it is coming to an end now, which I thank you for as well, but I know I never would have made it without that support. And thank you for sending me to BuddySlim where I have found the motivation to continue my weight loss journey during this period of unemployment, a situation which I know would have made me eat and eat and eat in the past.

When I look at all my blessings, Universe, I know that I am not doing my part. It is time for me to step up and give back to you. I need to take this one-day-at-a-time. This week I promise you that I will give my body nourishing food and take my supplements religiously because I respect my body as you respect me. This week I will move my body whenever and wherever I can. I will go to the gym and on days when it is too cold or too snowy or too whatever I will move my body at home. I will put on an exercise DVD or I will put on my iPod and dance until I drop. My body craves that workout, and I will give into that craving as much often as I can. This week I will get the sleep my body craves so it can perform the way I know it can and I know it wants to. This week I will smile at strangers and reach out to friends because I know you have put each person in my personal Universe for a reason and I gain so much from those interactions.

Well Universe, I need to head out now. I stepped off the scale and put on my workout clothes. I’m off to the gym, as promised. My organic gluten-free waffles are toasting away and I can smell them from here. Yummmmm. I’ll stop at DD for the coffee since my boy decided to go back to his place last night in order to avoid that fundraiser. *wink*

Thank you again for all you have done for me. I am blessed. And I know it.

Yours humbly, Ellen

Haven’t we all heard that one? Shopping for clothes and being sent to the fat girl section? Ugh. Today was the first time I was floored by that statement in a positive way. I was shopping in the fat girl section (of Nordstrom) only to find out that their 14W’s are now too big, at least in pants. My goodness I carry my weight up top, but I digress. So that’s what the lady said to me in the dressing room, looking at the absurd roominess of the slacks I was trying on. “You need to go to the other section, dear.” Wow, talk about a non-scale victory. Even more shocking was I went to the regular size zone and they didn’t look alarmed at seeing me there. No one asked me who I was shopping for. They just asked me if they could help me. I bought a sweater that was on sale. It was an XL, but a regular girl’s XL. I’m a bit thrown off by the whole experience. In a good way but I’m definitely living with funhouse mirrors of my body. I wonder when I’ll see myself as others see me. I suspect it’s a long-time coming.

My quest to Onederland is slow. Very very slow. But I’m getting there. My personal goal is to get there in February. And yes I realize that’s like 1 pound a week and I should probably set my sights a little higher but I just want to keep moving along this trajectory to Onederland. I’m trying to enjoy the journey. I think I may be enjoying it too much - the destination just isn’t that far away and yet I plod along. Ho-hum. It’s been hard to get in enough exercise the last few weeks - weather, interviews, and some health drama had the better of me for a bit - but I’m still working out several days a week (4?) and every time I do I think “I need to make more time for this again!” What I really need is a treadmill here at the house. But then I’d have to think of another excuse.

I had 3 very good interviews this week - I can see at least 2 of them moving forward. I hope I hope I hope. Today’s was for an amazing job that I would love to do. The money isn’t as terrific as I’d hoped it would be but the job would be so gratifying, and the experience would be worth it. The other 2 jobs pay boatloads… I’m just not sure if I want them at the same level as the one I interviewed for today. That said, it’s tough to turn down boatloads of cash, particularly when you’ve been without an income as long as I’ve been without one now. Ugh.

Anyway, I am clearly just rambling. I just wanted to share my nonscale victory and wish everyone a very very happy February. And so it goes. Hugs to all, Ellen

The lady at the Dunkin Donuts drive thru (where I was picking up my decaf, now allowed occasionally by the natural doctor - hooray!) told me I looked skinny.

Strangers at the gym are telling my trainer (and sometimes me) that I’m melting away.

And my cousin Annie said, “OMG Ellen you’re TINY!” And made me shop for new clothes so that I would get how they are supposed to fit.

And yet of course I still feel fat. Lovely time of year for the insecurity complex to be in full-swing. But I’m trying really hard to focus on the positive and do what I need to do to make sure I feel really good about myself this holiday season. Annie, btw, completely understands the whole family drama that I’m dealing with in my brain. Tried to talk me off the mental ledge and she did a pretty good job. We went shopping so I could see what fits and what doesn’t fit. It’s remarkable how much I don’t get the clothing thing at all, but I do know that her perspective on this helped because now I have a better idea of how not to feel dumpy in the clothes I do have right now. And Annie completely gets where I’m coming from - it’s nice to have a kindred spirit in the family that I can and do talk about anything and everything with. I just wish I saw her more often. My earlier blog comments about craving family were very very accurate. Annie met Tim on Saturday morning and gave me her seal of approval. I figured she would, but it’s always nice to be right on something like that!

I met Tim’s sister on Saturday night when we had our “first” date. The concert was great and Tim was so into it. It was very cute. I am nearly positive I passed the sister test with flying colors as she gave me a big hug and a kiss when we parted and told me she was looking forward to seeing me again soon. I know I’m almost 42 - like days away from it - but this may be the first time I’m meeting a boyfriend’s family members. I mean I’ve met them before, kinda, but never as the girlfriend per se. So I don’t know - I think I may be having an adult relationship. Crazy but true. In other good news, we spent the longest time together that we’ve ever spent and we got along great. No fighting, no bickering, no “omg is this over yet”. Just fun. Hooray.

Heading off to school now. Hugs to all, Ellen

Well, I really thought you’d be home Marge when I arrived. I’ve been walking for 2  1/2 months now. I’m finally in Louisville - 300 miles away from home - and you didn’t even leave the light on for me! LOL

So yes, I’m here! At 301 miles actually. I thought about stopping at 300 today but decided to make a point to myself. That it’s not OVER when I get to 300 miles. It’s just a milestone on the journey. But it’s a major one for sure. I thought this was a major stretch goal for me when I started on the Tuesday after Labor Day. And it was. But I did it. Almost every day. I checked the obsessive compulsive spreadsheet and I had only 4 days out of the last 69 days that I didn’t walk. Wow, that’s amazing to me to see it in writing that way. Very cool. I’m a little self-impressed right now. And I’m not even close to the first one to finish the TDay challenge! This is an impressive achievement for that challenge group - kudos to all!

Today I returned a pair of slacks to Coldwater Creek - ordered them from the catalog but they were too big (who knew?!) I tried to find good sweaters there as they were having a killer sale (25% off + $30 off if you spent more than $100) but I must say I came away with absolutely no sweaters. Again. The sweater theme this year appears to be the cowl neck… and lets just say that a girl with the set of girls I have on me needs all the neck showing she can. Holy cow I look booby in those sweaters! I tried on a really pretty suede coat (suede is my theme this year) and I loved it but it was pricey and OMG the 1X was too big. They didn’t have a regular XL. I tried the Petite XL but the fit was a little funky. Then I tried on a different coat - a little shorter than the first one. And it fit perfectly. And it’s reversible besides - also suede btw. So I came out of there basically with a beautiful new coat for under 100 bucks. Not too bad. I’m very much in need of tops in general now - coats, jackets, sweaters, blouses. I did a mass try-on at Kohl’s last night while I was waiting for Tim (who got distracted by the universe and got into the shower late - dopey) but didn’t buy anything but brown socks (which I need desperately) and earrings because I forgot to put some on before our date LOL. Anyway, I walked out of Kohl’s for 10 bucks so I thought I did pretty well. They have some tops that might be nice for holiday parties etc - I just didn’t know what I would put with it at the time and that’s not what I went in there for so I just decided to walk away. It’s hell being so fiscally responsible. (Yeah okay well…)

So Tim arrived a little too late for us to get into the dinner and movie place - popular movie and it sold out. Probably a good thing anyway because it would have been a tough menu for me to choose well from. We ended up going to an Italian place nearby (a chain Carabbas? - something like that - that I had never been to) and it was good. I chose the grilled chicken breast with goat cheese and sun dried tomatoes, the salad with a vinaigrette dressing. My dinner came with mashed potatoes and splurged and had about 5 bites of them. Might I add - YUM! My big news of the night from him is that he called me “his girl.” (Not girlfriend, but girl, which is fine.) He’s also STRESSED about my upcoming birthday, which I’ve tried to ease his mind about but I think he’s just going to be stressed about it and there’s nothing more I can do. So good. At least he’s thinking about it. My boys of the past have almost universally blown it off, and that’s been a sticking point with me. I’m actually not a big birthday person, but I don’t want my SO to ignore it completely. How about a card? This guy is so not the guys I’ve dated before. I still don’t know quite what to make of it but I’m enjoying the confusion. I plan on making him dinner one night this week - probably Wednesday.

And that’s my news from Sunday. Yours in suede, pretty much all the time now… Ellen

because I was able to go to my favorite Step class with my favorite instructor and let me tell you it was crazy fun. People started showing up early early early and we were packed in the room. The class had dwindled to 4 or so people in recent months, since Brandy was gone. Today we had 32 and there were 10 people waiting outside the door when I arrived at 8:55 for a 9:30 class. Seriously we are so happy. And I didn’t fall off my Step and I remembered an awful of the Stepping techniques. I honestly felt even more cardio healthy than I used to when I was doing it all the time. There is no doubt in my mind that the Walking Challenge has made a huge difference there. And now that my AT is so much higher (it was already pretty high) and my fat burning efficiency is so much improved, I think I probably burned about 700 calories of fat today… which is amazing. I’m just so happy right now I can’t stand it.

After I remembered that I could go to Step, I also remembered that I had a great date with a great guy last night who seems to be even more into me than I am into him, which is saying something since I like him a lot. He’s already asked if we can go out again next weekend. And I’ve already said yes. We’re taking baby steps to turn this from dating into a relationship. But we’re definitely taking steps and I sense it will move that way as well.

I plan to finish my paper today, walk 3 miles outside (these blisters on my heels are just a nightmare) and meet some gals from my gym at a club around 8pm. At first I was like ‘maybe I shouldn’t go,’ but now I’m thinking why not? Meet new people, have some fun, do some dancing, and enjoy! And it’s late enough that I know I can have a healthy sensible dinner here and not eat junk food on the go.

Oh! I forgot this part - I did weigh in this morning. I’m down 1.5 pounds this week, and holy cow it was Halloween! I’m really thrilled with my progress and I credit your support and cheering as a key component in my success. Thanks, my dear buddies.

Ellen