arewethereyet

Dear Universe,

Thank you for my gift on the scale this morning. I don’t know how to explain a 1/2 pound loss with only 2 days of cardio and one day of weight training, and multiple examples of me cheating on my diet. Thank you for showing me that you can be merciful, even when I haven’t earned it.

Thank you also for the plethora of nonscale victories this week. Thank you for the new size 14W suit that fit me off the rack, no alterations, that was on sale for 160 bucks. Thank you for the Coldwater Creek shopping day when you showed me that I cannot wear a 1X anymore no matter how often I try to put them on. Thank you for the gigantic “NORDIC TRACK” sign in Sears - if we hadn’t been standing at that dumb PageComm kiosk at the mall for so long yesterday I would have gotten my run in, but instead I saw that sign and I found out that I can get a really nice treadmill (one that my 203.5 pound frame can run on well) for 800 bucks. Thank you for the insane number of compliments I received last night at the fundraiser - I thought I looked cute enough in my jeans and sparkly stretch shirt but apparently I also looked downright skinny. I must remember to wear that again soon.

Thank you for the people in my life. Thank you for the patience of my cousin Annie, who is the one who made me buy that shirt I wore last night, and is the one who sat there in the Nordstrom dressing room saying “no that doesn’t fit, no that’s too big, no that’s not your size” until I heard her. Thank you for the love in my life who springs out of bed in the morning to make me coffee and oatmeal, carefully slicing half a banana and layering sprinkles of cinnamon sugar throughout. Thank you for the support of family and friends throughout the unemployment drama of the last 8 months. I sense it is coming to an end now, which I thank you for as well, but I know I never would have made it without that support. And thank you for sending me to BuddySlim where I have found the motivation to continue my weight loss journey during this period of unemployment, a situation which I know would have made me eat and eat and eat in the past.

When I look at all my blessings, Universe, I know that I am not doing my part. It is time for me to step up and give back to you. I need to take this one-day-at-a-time. This week I promise you that I will give my body nourishing food and take my supplements religiously because I respect my body as you respect me. This week I will move my body whenever and wherever I can. I will go to the gym and on days when it is too cold or too snowy or too whatever I will move my body at home. I will put on an exercise DVD or I will put on my iPod and dance until I drop. My body craves that workout, and I will give into that craving as much often as I can. This week I will get the sleep my body craves so it can perform the way I know it can and I know it wants to. This week I will smile at strangers and reach out to friends because I know you have put each person in my personal Universe for a reason and I gain so much from those interactions.

Well Universe, I need to head out now. I stepped off the scale and put on my workout clothes. I’m off to the gym, as promised. My organic gluten-free waffles are toasting away and I can smell them from here. Yummmmm. I’ll stop at DD for the coffee since my boy decided to go back to his place last night in order to avoid that fundraiser. *wink*

Thank you again for all you have done for me. I am blessed. And I know it.

Yours humbly, Ellen

Haven’t we all heard that one? Shopping for clothes and being sent to the fat girl section? Ugh. Today was the first time I was floored by that statement in a positive way. I was shopping in the fat girl section (of Nordstrom) only to find out that their 14W’s are now too big, at least in pants. My goodness I carry my weight up top, but I digress. So that’s what the lady said to me in the dressing room, looking at the absurd roominess of the slacks I was trying on. “You need to go to the other section, dear.” Wow, talk about a non-scale victory. Even more shocking was I went to the regular size zone and they didn’t look alarmed at seeing me there. No one asked me who I was shopping for. They just asked me if they could help me. I bought a sweater that was on sale. It was an XL, but a regular girl’s XL. I’m a bit thrown off by the whole experience. In a good way but I’m definitely living with funhouse mirrors of my body. I wonder when I’ll see myself as others see me. I suspect it’s a long-time coming.

My quest to Onederland is slow. Very very slow. But I’m getting there. My personal goal is to get there in February. And yes I realize that’s like 1 pound a week and I should probably set my sights a little higher but I just want to keep moving along this trajectory to Onederland. I’m trying to enjoy the journey. I think I may be enjoying it too much - the destination just isn’t that far away and yet I plod along. Ho-hum. It’s been hard to get in enough exercise the last few weeks - weather, interviews, and some health drama had the better of me for a bit - but I’m still working out several days a week (4?) and every time I do I think “I need to make more time for this again!” What I really need is a treadmill here at the house. But then I’d have to think of another excuse.

I had 3 very good interviews this week - I can see at least 2 of them moving forward. I hope I hope I hope. Today’s was for an amazing job that I would love to do. The money isn’t as terrific as I’d hoped it would be but the job would be so gratifying, and the experience would be worth it. The other 2 jobs pay boatloads… I’m just not sure if I want them at the same level as the one I interviewed for today. That said, it’s tough to turn down boatloads of cash, particularly when you’ve been without an income as long as I’ve been without one now. Ugh.

Anyway, I am clearly just rambling. I just wanted to share my nonscale victory and wish everyone a very very happy February. And so it goes. Hugs to all, Ellen

The lady at the Dunkin Donuts drive thru (where I was picking up my decaf, now allowed occasionally by the natural doctor - hooray!) told me I looked skinny.

Strangers at the gym are telling my trainer (and sometimes me) that I’m melting away.

And my cousin Annie said, “OMG Ellen you’re TINY!” And made me shop for new clothes so that I would get how they are supposed to fit.

And yet of course I still feel fat. Lovely time of year for the insecurity complex to be in full-swing. But I’m trying really hard to focus on the positive and do what I need to do to make sure I feel really good about myself this holiday season. Annie, btw, completely understands the whole family drama that I’m dealing with in my brain. Tried to talk me off the mental ledge and she did a pretty good job. We went shopping so I could see what fits and what doesn’t fit. It’s remarkable how much I don’t get the clothing thing at all, but I do know that her perspective on this helped because now I have a better idea of how not to feel dumpy in the clothes I do have right now. And Annie completely gets where I’m coming from - it’s nice to have a kindred spirit in the family that I can and do talk about anything and everything with. I just wish I saw her more often. My earlier blog comments about craving family were very very accurate. Annie met Tim on Saturday morning and gave me her seal of approval. I figured she would, but it’s always nice to be right on something like that!

I met Tim’s sister on Saturday night when we had our “first” date. The concert was great and Tim was so into it. It was very cute. I am nearly positive I passed the sister test with flying colors as she gave me a big hug and a kiss when we parted and told me she was looking forward to seeing me again soon. I know I’m almost 42 - like days away from it - but this may be the first time I’m meeting a boyfriend’s family members. I mean I’ve met them before, kinda, but never as the girlfriend per se. So I don’t know - I think I may be having an adult relationship. Crazy but true. In other good news, we spent the longest time together that we’ve ever spent and we got along great. No fighting, no bickering, no “omg is this over yet”. Just fun. Hooray.

Heading off to school now. Hugs to all, Ellen

OMG. I busted out the tape measure today. I had taken a baseline measurement in mid July with the intent of measuring progress monthly but have managed to forget to do that. But I did it today and Houston, we have progress!

July numbers:

Chest: 41.5
Bust: 46
Waist: 41
Hips: 49
Thigh: 26
Calf: 16.5
Arm: 15

November numbers:

Chest: 37.5
Bust: 44
Waist: 38
Hips: 46
Thigh: 23
Calf: 15.5
Arm: 13.5

If you add up all the numbers, I have lost 17.5 inches in the last 4 months. No wonder my pants are falling off of me. The 2 numbers that I’m most astonished by is the waist (where I carry the majority of my excess weight) and the thigh (because I know that’s from this walking challenge!) I’ve also been thinking that the boobs are shrinking, which they are, but given the data set above I imagine they look relatively bigger since everything around them in smaller. I think this is a win all the way around. LOL

Anyway, I know I’m bragging but I’m just so pleased with myself I can’t even stand it.  Thanks for putting up with my me-me-me blog today! XO Ellen

Well, I really thought you’d be home Marge when I arrived. I’ve been walking for 2  1/2 months now. I’m finally in Louisville - 300 miles away from home - and you didn’t even leave the light on for me! LOL

So yes, I’m here! At 301 miles actually. I thought about stopping at 300 today but decided to make a point to myself. That it’s not OVER when I get to 300 miles. It’s just a milestone on the journey. But it’s a major one for sure. I thought this was a major stretch goal for me when I started on the Tuesday after Labor Day. And it was. But I did it. Almost every day. I checked the obsessive compulsive spreadsheet and I had only 4 days out of the last 69 days that I didn’t walk. Wow, that’s amazing to me to see it in writing that way. Very cool. I’m a little self-impressed right now. And I’m not even close to the first one to finish the TDay challenge! This is an impressive achievement for that challenge group - kudos to all!

Today I returned a pair of slacks to Coldwater Creek - ordered them from the catalog but they were too big (who knew?!) I tried to find good sweaters there as they were having a killer sale (25% off + $30 off if you spent more than $100) but I must say I came away with absolutely no sweaters. Again. The sweater theme this year appears to be the cowl neck… and lets just say that a girl with the set of girls I have on me needs all the neck showing she can. Holy cow I look booby in those sweaters! I tried on a really pretty suede coat (suede is my theme this year) and I loved it but it was pricey and OMG the 1X was too big. They didn’t have a regular XL. I tried the Petite XL but the fit was a little funky. Then I tried on a different coat - a little shorter than the first one. And it fit perfectly. And it’s reversible besides - also suede btw. So I came out of there basically with a beautiful new coat for under 100 bucks. Not too bad. I’m very much in need of tops in general now - coats, jackets, sweaters, blouses. I did a mass try-on at Kohl’s last night while I was waiting for Tim (who got distracted by the universe and got into the shower late - dopey) but didn’t buy anything but brown socks (which I need desperately) and earrings because I forgot to put some on before our date LOL. Anyway, I walked out of Kohl’s for 10 bucks so I thought I did pretty well. They have some tops that might be nice for holiday parties etc - I just didn’t know what I would put with it at the time and that’s not what I went in there for so I just decided to walk away. It’s hell being so fiscally responsible. (Yeah okay well…)

So Tim arrived a little too late for us to get into the dinner and movie place - popular movie and it sold out. Probably a good thing anyway because it would have been a tough menu for me to choose well from. We ended up going to an Italian place nearby (a chain Carabbas? - something like that - that I had never been to) and it was good. I chose the grilled chicken breast with goat cheese and sun dried tomatoes, the salad with a vinaigrette dressing. My dinner came with mashed potatoes and splurged and had about 5 bites of them. Might I add - YUM! My big news of the night from him is that he called me “his girl.” (Not girlfriend, but girl, which is fine.) He’s also STRESSED about my upcoming birthday, which I’ve tried to ease his mind about but I think he’s just going to be stressed about it and there’s nothing more I can do. So good. At least he’s thinking about it. My boys of the past have almost universally blown it off, and that’s been a sticking point with me. I’m actually not a big birthday person, but I don’t want my SO to ignore it completely. How about a card? This guy is so not the guys I’ve dated before. I still don’t know quite what to make of it but I’m enjoying the confusion. I plan on making him dinner one night this week - probably Wednesday.

And that’s my news from Sunday. Yours in suede, pretty much all the time now… Ellen

because I was able to go to my favorite Step class with my favorite instructor and let me tell you it was crazy fun. People started showing up early early early and we were packed in the room. The class had dwindled to 4 or so people in recent months, since Brandy was gone. Today we had 32 and there were 10 people waiting outside the door when I arrived at 8:55 for a 9:30 class. Seriously we are so happy. And I didn’t fall off my Step and I remembered an awful of the Stepping techniques. I honestly felt even more cardio healthy than I used to when I was doing it all the time. There is no doubt in my mind that the Walking Challenge has made a huge difference there. And now that my AT is so much higher (it was already pretty high) and my fat burning efficiency is so much improved, I think I probably burned about 700 calories of fat today… which is amazing. I’m just so happy right now I can’t stand it.

After I remembered that I could go to Step, I also remembered that I had a great date with a great guy last night who seems to be even more into me than I am into him, which is saying something since I like him a lot. He’s already asked if we can go out again next weekend. And I’ve already said yes. We’re taking baby steps to turn this from dating into a relationship. But we’re definitely taking steps and I sense it will move that way as well.

I plan to finish my paper today, walk 3 miles outside (these blisters on my heels are just a nightmare) and meet some gals from my gym at a club around 8pm. At first I was like ‘maybe I shouldn’t go,’ but now I’m thinking why not? Meet new people, have some fun, do some dancing, and enjoy! And it’s late enough that I know I can have a healthy sensible dinner here and not eat junk food on the go.

Oh! I forgot this part - I did weigh in this morning. I’m down 1.5 pounds this week, and holy cow it was Halloween! I’m really thrilled with my progress and I credit your support and cheering as a key component in my success. Thanks, my dear buddies.

Ellen

of clothes that don’t fit me anymore. A friend is coming over in a week or so to “go shopping” before I donate the remainder to charity. It’s absurd. Nothing fits. I’ve looked at myself in the mirror a lot the last few days (naked several times!) and I’m convinced… I’m downright skinny, for me. I mean 214 pounds isn’t skinny but seriously I’m like the world’s skinniest 214 pound person. I remember being this weight a few years ago - when I did Atkins - and I honestly wasn’t this slim. So here’s to walking and to Claire - I wouldn’t be contemplating a whole new wardrobe without either of those.

I’m not sure I’m completely ready to be skinny. I know that sounds weird too but I’ve never been skinny in my whole life, and I don’t know what it’s going to be like. What if I’m not the biggest person in the room anymore? What will that feel like? Will it be fun or will it be scary? Some part of me will always feel like the fattest girl in the place regardless of what the scale or size chart says. It’s a mental adjustment. I think that’s why I keep saying it out loud to myself. And to Claire. And to my shrink. I need to hear it. It’s not a mantra. And when I hit Onederland - holy cow. I’m beginning to think the family reaction to my weight loss is going to be difficult to handle over the holidays as well. I haven’t seen anyone in my family, including my parents, since the beginning of August when I started the gluten-free, casein-free lifestyle. I’m not sure I want to be the center of attention because of my weight - even if it is for a positive. It’s a bit overwhelming to think about. So I’ll think about something else…

Tim and I have date number 2 tomorrow night. We are both clearly looking forward to it - he’s so easy to talk to and he’s just ridiculously open about saying “You know what? I like you!” How refreshing. Anyway, we are going to a Cajun place - dinner and music. Another late meal but I’ve checked out the menu already and they seem to have good salads that I can enjoy as a healthy alternative. The place we’re going is pretty near his house. I did that on purpose - I’ll have to drive home (he lives like 30 minutes away with Chicago traffic) so I won’t be tempted to drink… saving calories. And brain cells. See, smart Ellen!

Hugs to all and thank you for all your continued support. I am better for it, and need it more than ever as I enter this next phase of me. Ellen

I took the weekend off. No walking for me. I’ve been fighting a horrible headcold since Friday - running a fever and everything - and I decided it wasn’t worth it to do the walking this weekend. So I will officially miss my weekly walking goal of 25 miles - and I’d like to just add, I’m perfectly okay with that.

That said, yesterday was eventful. First off, I went to the Coldwater Creek Spa with 2 of the 3 people I went to Wisconsin with (Cheryl and Paulette). It was Paulette’s birthday - an important notation here. And friends, if you have a Coldwater Creek Spa anywhere near you, please make an appointment today for the world’s best pedicure. They wash your feet by hand, cover you in blankets, and put a warm wrap around your neck. Then, get this, they tip chair back so you’re laying down, and they put a lavendar scented flax pillow over your eyes, and proceed to pamper you for 45 minutes or so. Just delicious. I’ll leave out the part of the warm booties they put you in after lotioning up your feet. (OH MY!) Coldwater Creek. Yes like the store. Run, don’t walk. I swear I don’t get kickbacks. LOL

So after the amazing pedicure we proceeded to go shopping downstairs, at of course Coldwater Creek. This was an exciting 200 dollar shopping trip (I know - and here I was saying just 2 days ago that I couldn’t go shopping). But honestly I could have spent more. And the best part was this: I bought all Ladies (not Women’s) clothing! An XL wine-colored sweater, an XL tan suede jacket (I have no jackets that fit!), and size 16 black slacks. Now, I will confess that their stuff tends to run a bit big but still I was very happy. And 200 bucks later I have an entire outfit that can also be mixed and matched with other things in my dwindling wardrobe. Fabulous!

So then I went shopping at Wild Oats so I could pick up a few things to bring to the party I was invited to - yes, the one where I would be meeting the potential guy. You’ll have to keep reading to find out…  and I bought some goat cheese and some rice crackers and a gluten-free pie so I could have dessert if I wanted it. All I did with the goat cheese btw was put it on a plate and let it soften a bit, then dump some cherry salsa over the top of it, and then arrange the crackers around it. So easy, so yummy, it was a hit.

Then I got dressed. Decided on the faded jeans and a tunic-y top with some sparkles in it. (Paulette is a big fan of the sparkles at it was here bday party of sorts.) And I got to the party about 6:30pm. I did really well on my food. It’s a big Italian family doing this, so dinner was baked ziti and garlic bread. Well I did have literally 6 ziti noodles, but I purposefully filled up on my appetizer and the celery that was on the veggie platter nearby so I wasn’t hungry. And I wasn’t drinking, not only because I was sick but also hello? I promised you I wouldn’t!

Sometime during the first hour or so, the 13-year old matchmaker came up to me all excited and said, “OMG that’s him he’s here! What do you think??” I told her to chill out. He ended up coming over and sitting at the table that I was at with about 6 other women - most of the men were watching sports and hanging out elsewhere. And we were introduced. No big deal. Then I got up a little while later to refill my water/ice and guess who follows me? That’s right - Tim. (He has a name.) And we proceeded to talk in the kitchen for an hour. Maybe more. During which time he asked me to go to a concert with him on December 1st and I agreed, and we exchanged phone numbers. (Woo hoo!) Fast forward to the end of the evening… when I’m leaving I give his sister-in-law a kiss on the cheek and thank her for her hospitality, he says “hey I’ll call you” and I say “great! and preferably well before the concert.” And I head out, pretty contented. I’m definitely interested but playing it pretty cool… as at least one certain buddy has constantly drilled into me lo these many months. Ahem.

So fast forward again to early this afternoon… ring ring ring. Guess who called? He told me a buddy chastised him for not walking me to the car (I was in the driveway… no big deal) and that the partygoers gave him the 3rd degree immediately after I walked out. Anyway, we talked for about 20 minutes and we set a first date for next weekend. We’re doing dinner and maybe music. So how fun is that? I’m very happy about this… it’s the first time I’ve met someone like this in a long time. I realize there’s a lot to know before I know if I like him like him or just like him, but at first glance he seems like a good guy. Attractive, age-appropriate, good family values, bright, funny, loves Tivo just like me, has traveled some but wants to do more, didn’t freak out about my gluten-free living and even tasted the pie (which we both agreed was not good at all). All the way around, a good fit. Oh and here’s the amazing kicker… I FEEL TINY AROUND HIM. He’s a wall of a human being. He’s got to be 6′2″ and he’s very broad. I’m a TINY girl around him. If that doesn’t make him a keeper I don’t know what does?

So anyway, despite my yukky cold which thankfully didn’t interfere too terribly much I done snagged me a date! Set-up successful so far… we’ll see how it goes. Of course, they were planning our wedding in Wisconsin when they realized we were both available. I haven’t started looking at china patterns yet. I think I’ll wait til our first totally on-our-own dinner. Ha!

More soon. I’m going to make some tea and honey per an old Russian grandmother’s recipe and hunker down for the night.  Air kisses to all - don’t want to get you guys sick!

Ellen

And honestly I’m doing quite well with it. I’m kinda proud of myself. I’ve been within my calories and thanks to the food journal I know it. I’ve done very well on making good food choices and I know this because my pie chart looks pretty darn good! I’m choosing ‘medicinal’ foods for my blood type and not just neutrals and that’s also helping I think quite a bit.

My biggest challenge has been hunger after 7pm. I am genuinely hungry in the evenings. So I think it means I’m not eating quite enough during the day. Or at dinner. But I’ve done it - no snacking this week after dinner. I’ve snacked during the day of course, but that’s built in to my eating plan. I just had a yummy honey crisp apple for my pm snack and gals I gotta tell ya, it just rocked. So crunchy and delicious. I get excited when my body craves healthy food.

I’m fighting a cold. Which also means that I’m fighting to get myself to the gym. But today I went and I did a great job. 4 miles, slowly on purpose. I decided to do hills mostly to keep me from wanting to jog too much. My legs have been wanting a break but I haven’t felt like I could give them one… Thanksgiving Challenge is very very motivating for me. And so I just wanted to walk today. In the third mile I ran a few ‘wind sprints’ - I’d take the treadmill up to 5.0 and run for a minute, then I’d bring it back down to 3.5 for a few minutes. Nothing too crazy and it gets it done faster. That said, running is becoming somewhat more difficult for me. Not because I am in worse shape - far from it. It’s because my super-constricting sports bra is not as constricting as it once was. (Ergo, I bounce, which is not comfortable.) Don’t get me wrong - I’m happy about that. But these bras are not cheap and I am not employed. I may experiment with putting one of them in the dryer to see if that helps tighten things up.

Tomorrow it seems I am being set up by the people I went to Wisconsin with. I’m willing my cold to hold off so I’m able to be sparkly self. The guy is age appropriate and available; hopefully he’s fun and kind and handsome. I’ve been thinking about what to wear - I think I’m going to have to pull a dryer routine on my blue jeans to make them fit a bit more snugly. How weird is it to think about tightening things up and not about how tight things are? It’s my obsession of late. But I cannot buy new things right now. It’s just not smart financially at all. I will buy new things when I hit Onederland… so the holidays are my goal for that!

Okay time to think about dinner, which is chicken for sure. I’m supposed to want beef, according to my blood type, but today… not so much. So chicken it is. Have a wonderful weekend everyone and I will check in on you for sure.

I give what I get and I get what I give. I am surrounded by people who love and support me.

Ellen

Much to my surprise, the scale was kind this morning. This is not my official weigh-in day, just my “how much damage did you do this weekend” weigh-in. And there was no gain (but no loss) from my weekend in Wisconsin. I did well sticking to the no gluten routine, but had a pumpkin pie latte while I was gone so there was casein for sure. And I definitely ate some crap - chips being the most egregious violation. Luckily, it seems like for the most part, I did okay. I concentrated my meals on protein and veggies, and it appears I offset the other food choices with walking. I got in 16 miles while gone. It wasn’t even that hard to do believe it or not. The first day I hit the treadmill in the hotel for a few miles. The next day I did a 5 mile walk while everyone else was getting their respective days started. Then one day we went to a state park and I got a few miles in there as well. I wore my pedometer all around so I was able to track the miles we were walking that I wouldn’t normally even know about. All in all it was good.

A high point of the weekend - I bought a size Large in the regular ladies section of a boutique. Yes, it’s oversized. No question about that. But it’s still a great nsv. Another odd yet high point… as I think I told you, I was certainly the smallest person on the trip… probably not by a lot with 2 of them but I’m certainly in a lot better shape than anyone else. On Sunday night, we were going to hit the pool/hot tub for a bit. I came down in my swimsuit and  cover-up and one of the ladies said, “I want to tell you something but I don’t want you to be offended.” I was like I won’t be. She said, “Even though you’re a bigger girl, you have a very beautiful body. You’re so proportionate and so strong. And I don’t think you have any cellulite on your legs at all!” The other woman in the room agreed. I wasn’t offended - I was very flattered. It was nice to get some acknowledgment for all my hard work.

Heading outside for a nice long walk. I am at 203 miles and counting. Today is my last day for the week tally and while I’m already over my minimal goal for the week, I’d like to add at least 4 miles to it today. Hugs to all, Ellen