Holiday Stress
Oddly enough I don’t feel stress about food this holiday season. I know what I can eat, I know what I have to avoid. And I know I’ll find time to exercise and burn off calories. All is good. Except. It’s not. My anxiety level is on the rise and as we count down the days to Christmas Eve, I’m finding myself more and more stressed.
I feel stupid for feeling this way, but I do. My weight has been a defining issue for me my entire life. And I’ve always resented that. I’ve always been the fat one in the family, and I’ve never felt good enough as a result. Even when I was winning scholarships or being promoted at work. I was always that fat one. The fat daughter, the fat cousin, the niece, the fat friend. I don’t if everyone felt that way - but I do know I always felt that way.
And now we are less than 4 weeks away from Christmas, and I’m still fat. But I’m not nearly as big as I was. I’m proud of my accomplishments - truly - but I must tell you the truth, thinner or fatter I’m sick and tired of feeling defined by my weight. I don’t want to talk about my diet with these people now anymore than I wanted to talk about it when I was heavier. I just want it to be a non-issue. But it’s an issue, for me. And I’m worried that there is no reaction (positive, negative, ignored) that will not be an issue for me. I hate that I feel this way. I’m almost 42 years old and I’m sitting here this week cowering in fear about the way my mother, my aunts, my cousins will look at me. It’s pathetic. And I’m tired of it. I’m better than this, and yet I can’t get out of my own way.
This blog is coming today because today is my first test. My cousin Annie is coming to town and I love her to pieces. We have a lot in common. She’s struggled with her weight just as I have and I know that it has played a role in her quest to find true love just as it has haunted me behind the scenes in that department. I don’t know how she’ll react to me. She’s a great barometer for me to know how others will react. And I’m going to use her to figure out how to deal with it. Part of me will be crushed if she doesn’t immediately notice. Part of me will be thrilled if she doesn’t make a big deal out of it. And all of me can’t wait to see her regardless. I’m craving family right now, despite the fact that I’m honestly terrified of them, or more accurately my own reaction to them.
I’m not even sure this blog makes sense anymore but I’m grateful for the opportunity to put it down on virtual paper and to own it as my personal truth. Thank you for your support. Ellen
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Alright girl, I am the same way, I HATE going to family functions because I feel like they always look at me as the fat ones (me and my sister)….I have been reduced to tears as my cousins who are younger and thinner get married…all popular in high school, cheerleaders, baton twirlers. Well guess what, this Thanksgiving, I came to the realization, I am NOT the chunkiest one there. My step cousin who was the cheerleader and coach (after high school) is bigger than me, her husband is bigger than me, and her brother is bigger than me. I do not define them by that by any means, it is just a nice feeling for me. This may be self centered and mean of me to even have such a thought after fearing these thoughts myself, but maybe it was because I was thought about myself this way or so I thought, by others that I do focus on such things. I still feel like they are watching everything I put on my plate. I hope your meeting goes successfully. Do not let them ruin your holidays, you have done an amazing job, whether they notice or not!!!
Look at this as just one more step in your journey toward becoming the person you want to be. I cannot relate to your blog weight-wise, but I can relate to it in SO many other ways. I spent a lot of my life trying to live up to others’ expectations of me. I don’t any longer. It took me a long time to get where I’m at emotionally, but I like to think I’m a better person because of it. Welcome it… I think you will be pleasantly surprised with the end results.
Love and hugggggggggs,
Shan
When I read your thoughts Ellen this is what comes to my mind immediately. Enjoy your cousin Annie. I’m also self conscious of my weight and have always been, but somehow I’ve dug deep down and found a way to “like me” not my appearance, but “me” and your personality is beautiful…you brighten my day and many others!!! Maybe this year you can walk into that room and just smile from the inside. YOU know you are working hard, and YOU are feeling better about yourself. Its a long long journey…a lifetime journey. I want you to be happy…and I’m praying others will not judge you and make you feel bad. Remember YOU ARE SPECIAL…and you are loved. Have fun with your cousin Annie!! Enjoy the holidays, everyday we have is a gift from God!!! Hugs for you!!
When I think of the 15 years that I spent hiding from family and friends, and all the distress I felt when I had to go anywhere because of my weight, all I can think of now is, IT DIDN’T REALLY MATTER!! I was still ME and as I have grown older I realise that the outside does not count. And we should never judge ourselves because of the way we feel we should look, but DON’T. WASTE OF OUR LIVES! Love, Marge
Your blog makes perfect sense to me. Maybe you are like me in a way where I don’t want to be the center of attention but I don’t want to be ignored either. I want people to notice my loss but I don’t want it to be the big topic of the night. And you know, it never really ends I think. Even if you lost all the weight you want and you reached your goal, you may still think people are looking at you. Looking to see if you are gonna gain it all back! Never ends it seems. But, I guess it is what it is. There will always be some relative looking at us, good or bad and there will always be some kind of talk around the family, good or bad. Just get a plan of action for yourself. Maybe be prepared for good responses to your weight loss but have a plan to then change the conversation to something else to make you feel better about ending the focus on you. But, if no one comments, don’t feel too bad either and just remind yourself that you are still working at your plan regardless. Just keep saying to yourself that you are going to have fun this holiday season no matter what because you love family and you need them. Have a good weekend girl.
I hope things go good with you and is all positive with you and your cousin. Good luck!! Keep your head up!
ah Ellen…I find it so hard to believe that you would let your weight interfere with anything in your life. In knowing you on this site, you come across as a very accomplished, very together, smart and inviting soul! I’m sure others are bound to feel your energy and warmth! Just remember the old adage when dealing with people…people don’t remember much about what you wear or say but they do remember how you make them feel when they’re with you. I’m sure you make others feel wonderful!! Just be you…
Makes sense to me! I trhink you should focus on your accomplishemnts, and I agree enjoy your time with your cousin, and try to relax! You will get there, you are doing the right things, give yourself a break. Love ya!
Loved your blog. Not sure if it will help. But I have said this many times on my blog. As my man says….”Remember your body size has NOTHING to do with your self worth.” I have to tell myself that all the time. But I find if I don’t bring it up or draw attention to it, people don’t ask. Its hard to do. It is a personal struggle for me also. But you look fabulous darling and you have so much that is positive in your life. You have nothing to fear. Embrace all that is good and you party till you drop girl. Flaunt your weight loss success.