arewethereyet

Oddly enough I don’t feel stress about food this holiday season. I know what I can eat, I know what I have to avoid. And I know I’ll find time to exercise and burn off calories. All is good. Except. It’s not. My anxiety level is on the rise and as we count down the days to Christmas Eve, I’m finding myself more and more stressed.

I feel stupid for feeling this way, but I do. My weight has been a defining issue for me my entire life. And I’ve always resented that.  I’ve always been the fat one in the family, and I’ve never felt good enough as a result. Even when I was winning scholarships or being promoted at work. I was always that fat one. The fat daughter, the fat cousin, the niece, the fat friend. I don’t if everyone felt that way - but I do know I always felt that way.

And now we are less than 4 weeks away from Christmas, and I’m still fat. But I’m not nearly as big as I was. I’m proud of my accomplishments - truly - but I must tell you the truth, thinner or fatter I’m sick and tired of feeling defined by my weight. I don’t want to talk about my diet with these people now anymore than I wanted to talk about it when I was heavier. I just want it to be a non-issue. But it’s an issue, for me. And I’m worried that there is no reaction (positive, negative, ignored) that will not be an issue for me. I hate that I feel this way. I’m almost 42 years old and I’m sitting here this week cowering in fear about the way my mother, my aunts, my cousins will look at me. It’s pathetic. And I’m tired of it. I’m better than this, and yet I can’t get out of my own way.

This blog is coming today because today is my first test. My cousin Annie is coming to town and I love her to pieces. We have a lot in common. She’s struggled with her weight just as I have and I know that it has played a role in her quest to find true love just as it has haunted me behind the scenes in that department. I don’t know how she’ll react to me. She’s a great barometer for me to know how others will react. And I’m going to use her to figure out how to deal with it. Part of me will be crushed if she doesn’t immediately notice. Part of me will be thrilled if she doesn’t make a big deal out of it. And all of me can’t wait to see her regardless. I’m craving family right now, despite the fact that I’m honestly terrified of them, or more accurately my own reaction to them.

I’m not even sure this blog makes sense anymore but I’m grateful for the opportunity to put it down on virtual paper and to own it as my personal truth. Thank you for your support. Ellen

Okay, Karen, I’m sorry. I was too busy to blog all week. It’s been a zoo. But I had to weigh in for Hot Rods today so I knew I’d be on BuddySlim for sure - saved my blogging time for you.

So first things first - OMG I’m down another 2 pounds. Over Thanksgiving week. Just shocking to me. I felt like I ate too much but I guess I really didn’t. I’ve been feeling a little binge-y lately (chocolate - I know! it’s crazy) but I have adjusted my calories accordingly so I guess that’s helped. My nutrition is probably for sh*t this past week - so that’s a goal for this coming week for sure. The other thing that’s weird is that I didn’t do any exercise at all on Wednesday or Thursday. I fully intended to do Thursday - but Wednesday and Friday just got away from me. I’m already behind in the NYE walking challenge but I have an opportunity today because…

My freakin’ car is on the fritz. The oil pressure light is on and VW cannot get it in until Tuesday. Maybe Monday if I’m the luckiest girl in the world. So what does that mean? It means I’m walking everywhere except to the VW dealership. Fun times. And where am I walking today? Well one place I’m going is…

Burlington Coat Factory. Cheryl finally came over to “shop” my closet. She took 4 armloads of clothes out of here, including 3 coats. I found on TDay that I have no coats that fit. My good long wool coat? Looked like my Dad’s when I was 12. Ridiculous. Clownlike. So Cheryl owns that now. But I currently don’t have a winter coat - I have purchased 2 transitional season coats but it’s nearly December here and frankly that’s not going to work for much longer. So I need a COAT COAT to survive a Chicago winter. Burlington is about a mile away. So I’ll get in 2 miles doing that. Then I’ll come home, change, and walk somewhere else… I have to catch up with myself at this point. I already think Zina and Ellie and Tatiana are already too far ahead for me to catch up with them!

So how did Wednesday and Friday get away from me? Well that would be because I was spending those days WITH MY BOYFRIEND Tim. I’m practicing saying that a lot. Yesterday on the phone was the first time the word girlfriend (as in, ‘the town where my girlfriend lives’) was used. So that means, I think that I have a boyfriend. I haven’t had a real boyfriend in about 4 years. I’ve had an absurd number of dates, as I committed to learning how to date before I turned 40. Which I learned. But since I started dating aggressively (that sounds weird) I haven’t actually done the whole relationship thing. But I am in one now… I have a boyfriend. Okay. <Deep breath>

Back to Thanksgiving - the reactions from people I hadn’t seen in a few months was amazing and very inspiring. They didn’t make me feel awkward or on display - they just made me feel beautiful. That’s true friendship. You all make me feel special and beautiful every day. I hope I can give each of you the same level confidence. Cheers to BS!

Ellen

OMG. I busted out the tape measure today. I had taken a baseline measurement in mid July with the intent of measuring progress monthly but have managed to forget to do that. But I did it today and Houston, we have progress!

July numbers:

Chest: 41.5
Bust: 46
Waist: 41
Hips: 49
Thigh: 26
Calf: 16.5
Arm: 15

November numbers:

Chest: 37.5
Bust: 44
Waist: 38
Hips: 46
Thigh: 23
Calf: 15.5
Arm: 13.5

If you add up all the numbers, I have lost 17.5 inches in the last 4 months. No wonder my pants are falling off of me. The 2 numbers that I’m most astonished by is the waist (where I carry the majority of my excess weight) and the thigh (because I know that’s from this walking challenge!) I’ve also been thinking that the boobs are shrinking, which they are, but given the data set above I imagine they look relatively bigger since everything around them in smaller. I think this is a win all the way around. LOL

Anyway, I know I’m bragging but I’m just so pleased with myself I can’t even stand it.  Thanks for putting up with my me-me-me blog today! XO Ellen

Today I am celebrating some of my victories of the week:

1. I lost 1 pound this week - arguably 1.5 but I will call it 1 pound for now.

2. I got a white star today! Woo hoo!

3. I hit another minigoal and that’s huge. I created a new one as well - these minigoals really inspire me. I tell ya, taking it one pound at a time and not looking at the whole enchilada (mmmm mexican food…) is critical to my success.

4. I am at a weight I haven’t seen in more than 10 years.

5. I have only 10 pounds to go to  hit the 200 mark, a number I haven’t seen in 15 years. And I know I will see it in the next 8 weeks which is amazing on many levels, the most basic of which is I KNOW IT.

6. I saw a good friend at the gym today who I haven’t seen in a while. She nearly fell over when she saw me. Couldn’t get over how slim my legs are. And she says I need to stop wearing all these oversized tshirts so I can show off the new trimmer me. (Of course all I have is oversized tshirts by definition - they are all too big now!)

7. I did my Step class this morning for an hour. I burned 600 calories AND did the equivalent of 4 miles. Not too shabby, eh!?

8.  I have a romantic date with someone who appears to be my boyfriend now, although we haven’t discussed that per se. We’re going downtown to see the lighting of Michigan Avenue for the holidays. Big parade, big music, big fun. We’ll do a lot of walking and I know it’ll be fun to spend time with him that way.

9. My Hanes XL sweatpants that I bought to wear to and from the gym over my shorts are already too big. I hope they shrink when I wash them - and when was the last time I hoped that?

10. I  have been blessed by lovely comments, messages, and mentions in people’s blogs this week - a fact that I find gratifying and motivating. Thank you all for you do every day. Your enthusiasm and support is one of my greatest victories.

Hugs to all - now I must shower for my date! Ellen

People around me are falling apart. I’ve been awake for 3 hours now… here’s what I’ve learned.

My close friend Tim (as opposed to my pbf Tim) called to tell me his cat of 17 years died last night and how his little boys are dealing with it (not well). And that his mother was told that she has 3 to 6 months to live, maximum. Hugely long story here, but suffice it to say, there is no mistaking this eventuality. It’s just overwhelming to have a countdown to contend with.

My friend Cheryl IM’d me. Her father was readmitted to the hospital - congenital heart failure and a whole host of other issues.  He lost 14 pounds of water overnight thanks to the diuretic they put him on. That situation is a nightmare - it’s been going on forever and it’s not getting better. Ever. Then about 30 minutes ago she IM’d me to say that her Aunt Ruth died. Unreal.

My friend Michael in Canada emailed me this morning. He was called in for a meeting at work. They canned him. He’s in the process of adopting a child and he’s the major breadwinner of the family and they fired him. He’s saying laid off, but it’s just a ridiculous situation where he’s being made the scapegoat. BTW I know Michael from my first job in publishing - this is the state of the industry I was in. I’m just horrified.

Essentially I could be brought down by all these things. Believe me, I have the tendency… I’m a true extrovert so when the world around me is feeling low, I’m very down as well. But I’ve decided instead to celebrate all that is going right in my world:

1. I have my health. I am in control of it and I am getting fitter, stronger, and healthier every day. My parents are in good health too. And my cousin who was so sick is doing very well. So all in all, I have things to celebrate here.

2. I have great friends. I know all these things about people in my life because I’m the first one they call when something happens. That’s amazing to know. And in turn I am reminded that when I need them, they are 100% there for me.

3. I have already gone through the drama of leaving a job - mine was a bit more voluntary than Michael’s but not tons more. And I’ve already come to understand that this is a huge blessing for me to have this time to devote to myself, my happiness, my life. I was also financially prepared for the period of unemployment and have little stress related to it other than the need to forgo some of life’s extras.

4. I have a very full life. I have a crazy busy day today: lunch with my best friend Rhonda today (thai food… saving up calories!). Then I’m getting my hair cut and colored (finally) this afternoon. And then Tim (the pbf, not the good friend) is coming over tonight for dinner (I’m making my famous sloppy joes… such a simple man… I can’t believe how excited he is about them!)

There have been a lot of posts lately about attitude and perserverance and loving yourself and being true to your goals. I am glad for them. I don’t know that I would have the same approach to today without them. You are all amazing people and I feel genuinely blessed to have your insights, your encouragement, your friendship in my life.

Ellen

Well, I really thought you’d be home Marge when I arrived. I’ve been walking for 2  1/2 months now. I’m finally in Louisville - 300 miles away from home - and you didn’t even leave the light on for me! LOL

So yes, I’m here! At 301 miles actually. I thought about stopping at 300 today but decided to make a point to myself. That it’s not OVER when I get to 300 miles. It’s just a milestone on the journey. But it’s a major one for sure. I thought this was a major stretch goal for me when I started on the Tuesday after Labor Day. And it was. But I did it. Almost every day. I checked the obsessive compulsive spreadsheet and I had only 4 days out of the last 69 days that I didn’t walk. Wow, that’s amazing to me to see it in writing that way. Very cool. I’m a little self-impressed right now. And I’m not even close to the first one to finish the TDay challenge! This is an impressive achievement for that challenge group - kudos to all!

Today I returned a pair of slacks to Coldwater Creek - ordered them from the catalog but they were too big (who knew?!) I tried to find good sweaters there as they were having a killer sale (25% off + $30 off if you spent more than $100) but I must say I came away with absolutely no sweaters. Again. The sweater theme this year appears to be the cowl neck… and lets just say that a girl with the set of girls I have on me needs all the neck showing she can. Holy cow I look booby in those sweaters! I tried on a really pretty suede coat (suede is my theme this year) and I loved it but it was pricey and OMG the 1X was too big. They didn’t have a regular XL. I tried the Petite XL but the fit was a little funky. Then I tried on a different coat - a little shorter than the first one. And it fit perfectly. And it’s reversible besides - also suede btw. So I came out of there basically with a beautiful new coat for under 100 bucks. Not too bad. I’m very much in need of tops in general now - coats, jackets, sweaters, blouses. I did a mass try-on at Kohl’s last night while I was waiting for Tim (who got distracted by the universe and got into the shower late - dopey) but didn’t buy anything but brown socks (which I need desperately) and earrings because I forgot to put some on before our date LOL. Anyway, I walked out of Kohl’s for 10 bucks so I thought I did pretty well. They have some tops that might be nice for holiday parties etc - I just didn’t know what I would put with it at the time and that’s not what I went in there for so I just decided to walk away. It’s hell being so fiscally responsible. (Yeah okay well…)

So Tim arrived a little too late for us to get into the dinner and movie place - popular movie and it sold out. Probably a good thing anyway because it would have been a tough menu for me to choose well from. We ended up going to an Italian place nearby (a chain Carabbas? - something like that - that I had never been to) and it was good. I chose the grilled chicken breast with goat cheese and sun dried tomatoes, the salad with a vinaigrette dressing. My dinner came with mashed potatoes and splurged and had about 5 bites of them. Might I add - YUM! My big news of the night from him is that he called me “his girl.” (Not girlfriend, but girl, which is fine.) He’s also STRESSED about my upcoming birthday, which I’ve tried to ease his mind about but I think he’s just going to be stressed about it and there’s nothing more I can do. So good. At least he’s thinking about it. My boys of the past have almost universally blown it off, and that’s been a sticking point with me. I’m actually not a big birthday person, but I don’t want my SO to ignore it completely. How about a card? This guy is so not the guys I’ve dated before. I still don’t know quite what to make of it but I’m enjoying the confusion. I plan on making him dinner one night this week - probably Wednesday.

And that’s my news from Sunday. Yours in suede, pretty much all the time now… Ellen

I hope I spelled that right. It would be embarrassing to have it spelled wrong in perpetuity in my blog. And no, I’m not going to spell check it.

I cheated on my diet on Thursday. Big meeting with the nonprofit that I volunteer with and they catered in my favorite Italian deli stuff… so wheat, cheese, pork. You name it, I ate it. Not a ton of it, but I definitely ate it. When I got home, I noticed that my heart was racing, like if I had consumed 4 cups of coffee. I’m not sure why. I suspect of course that it was the food but I’m not sure what it was in the food. Either way, it was good to have a physical sign that I shouldn’t eat like that. I told a friend about it and he questioned whether I was actually just having an anxiety attack for cheating on my diet. That hadn’t occurred to me, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that was at least part of it. I’ve become completely obsessed, haven’t I?

With good results though, I’m down another 1.5 pounds this week, for a grand total of 24 pounds gone since August 1st. I’m really proud of myself, if I do say so myself. I was REALLY worried about the weigh in this morning because of the cheat fest on Thursday night. I kicked it up huge at the gym yesterday - 8 miles! I think it helped a lot. It certainly alleviated some of the guilt. (Yeah, Mike had a point on the anxiety attack…)  This morning (after the weigh in!) I did an hour of Step and 2 more miles. I am now at 296 out of 300 for the Thanksgiving Walking Challenge. I remember when I started it thinking THERE IS NO WAY but apparently there is a way, and it’s called perserverance! (Oh! Good news - I was spelling the word wrong but the spell check caught it. You have no idea how much better this makes me feel, but then again closet dork blogging at you right now!)

So back to perserverance…  it’s just one day at a time on all this stuff, isn’t it? If you think about 300 miles at once it’s just crazy. But breaking it down to daily and weekly goals, pushing myself to do just a little better than required… it’s made all the difference. The same is true about the pounds. If I think about it as “omg I have to lose how much weight?!” it feels overwhelming. But breaking it up into mini goals, celebrating the weekly achievements and feeling good about what I’ve accomplished… it’s making all the difference. Thanks for celebrating with me.

Hugs to all, Ellen

PS: MARGE! if I’m doing the math correctly I’m in your Louisville backyard so open the door and let me in! I’m pooped!!

because I was able to go to my favorite Step class with my favorite instructor and let me tell you it was crazy fun. People started showing up early early early and we were packed in the room. The class had dwindled to 4 or so people in recent months, since Brandy was gone. Today we had 32 and there were 10 people waiting outside the door when I arrived at 8:55 for a 9:30 class. Seriously we are so happy. And I didn’t fall off my Step and I remembered an awful of the Stepping techniques. I honestly felt even more cardio healthy than I used to when I was doing it all the time. There is no doubt in my mind that the Walking Challenge has made a huge difference there. And now that my AT is so much higher (it was already pretty high) and my fat burning efficiency is so much improved, I think I probably burned about 700 calories of fat today… which is amazing. I’m just so happy right now I can’t stand it.

After I remembered that I could go to Step, I also remembered that I had a great date with a great guy last night who seems to be even more into me than I am into him, which is saying something since I like him a lot. He’s already asked if we can go out again next weekend. And I’ve already said yes. We’re taking baby steps to turn this from dating into a relationship. But we’re definitely taking steps and I sense it will move that way as well.

I plan to finish my paper today, walk 3 miles outside (these blisters on my heels are just a nightmare) and meet some gals from my gym at a club around 8pm. At first I was like ‘maybe I shouldn’t go,’ but now I’m thinking why not? Meet new people, have some fun, do some dancing, and enjoy! And it’s late enough that I know I can have a healthy sensible dinner here and not eat junk food on the go.

Oh! I forgot this part - I did weigh in this morning. I’m down 1.5 pounds this week, and holy cow it was Halloween! I’m really thrilled with my progress and I credit your support and cheering as a key component in my success. Thanks, my dear buddies.

Ellen

that I’d be caught dead in. I cannot find anything that is (1) cute (2) comfortable (3) affordable. Frustrating. All I seem to be able to find right now are faux suede jackets… and over the last 3 weeks I have acquired 3 of them. Today’s is black with a swanky little tie belt… and yes I plan to wear it on the date tonight. I got it for $23 believe it or not. I’m still floored by the sale - originally $88. Go me!

The plan tonight is to wear that jacket with a blue & white paisley blouse (sounds ugly but it’s actually pretty cute) and jeans. Tim and I agreed to jeans the other night so we wouldn’t tear apart our closets 2 weeks in a row. (Still can’t believe he did it too, but it seems he did. Awwww….) The big issue I have right now of course is ‘which pair’ and of course the ever important issue… WHICH SHOES?! I’m leaning towards black boots. We’ll see. My boots are not the most comfortable things in the world and unfortunately I need comfy shoes tonight…

I wore the wrong gym shoes today for my 4 mile jog - still damn impressed with myself for that one. And my heels are blistered, in a gross way. In a don’t take off your shoes way. In a forget about slingbacks way. In a omg the shower hurts way. It’s rough. But I’m tough. Tomorrow I will bandage up nicely and head off to the gym bright and early for my first Step class in a few months. And honestly I cannot wait. We had a great instructor at the gym that everyone loved, except the former fitness coordinator. So Brandy left and the classes dwindled to nothing, and the complaints went through the roof. Once the old coordinator moved on, Lifetime brought Brandy back just to quell the rage. Class is at 9:30, but I’ll leave here by 8:45 to make sure I get into the class. It’s going to be that crazy tomorrow. We steppers are an odd yet loyal breed. Honestly I’m so excited about this class I can’t see straight. I will probably come home afterwards and do a few miles in the hood to get in the miles. T and I agreed back in September that Step classes wouldn’t count towards mileage so I still have to get that in. And I will. Because I’m a rules girl.  (right T?!)

I had a sushi feast for lunch. And it was fantastic. It has set me up for a nice light salad dinner with Tim and that is just perfect by me.

Hugs to all, and yes I will report back on the evening… Ellen

of clothes that don’t fit me anymore. A friend is coming over in a week or so to “go shopping” before I donate the remainder to charity. It’s absurd. Nothing fits. I’ve looked at myself in the mirror a lot the last few days (naked several times!) and I’m convinced… I’m downright skinny, for me. I mean 214 pounds isn’t skinny but seriously I’m like the world’s skinniest 214 pound person. I remember being this weight a few years ago - when I did Atkins - and I honestly wasn’t this slim. So here’s to walking and to Claire - I wouldn’t be contemplating a whole new wardrobe without either of those.

I’m not sure I’m completely ready to be skinny. I know that sounds weird too but I’ve never been skinny in my whole life, and I don’t know what it’s going to be like. What if I’m not the biggest person in the room anymore? What will that feel like? Will it be fun or will it be scary? Some part of me will always feel like the fattest girl in the place regardless of what the scale or size chart says. It’s a mental adjustment. I think that’s why I keep saying it out loud to myself. And to Claire. And to my shrink. I need to hear it. It’s not a mantra. And when I hit Onederland - holy cow. I’m beginning to think the family reaction to my weight loss is going to be difficult to handle over the holidays as well. I haven’t seen anyone in my family, including my parents, since the beginning of August when I started the gluten-free, casein-free lifestyle. I’m not sure I want to be the center of attention because of my weight - even if it is for a positive. It’s a bit overwhelming to think about. So I’ll think about something else…

Tim and I have date number 2 tomorrow night. We are both clearly looking forward to it - he’s so easy to talk to and he’s just ridiculously open about saying “You know what? I like you!” How refreshing. Anyway, we are going to a Cajun place - dinner and music. Another late meal but I’ve checked out the menu already and they seem to have good salads that I can enjoy as a healthy alternative. The place we’re going is pretty near his house. I did that on purpose - I’ll have to drive home (he lives like 30 minutes away with Chicago traffic) so I won’t be tempted to drink… saving calories. And brain cells. See, smart Ellen!

Hugs to all and thank you for all your continued support. I am better for it, and need it more than ever as I enter this next phase of me. Ellen