arewethereyet

I weigh in tomorrow. I’m nervous. I think I’ve been pretty good the last week but I just have a sneaking suspicion that my scale isn’t going to cooperate. And I really want it to move.

Tally for week 2 of the walking I did 34 miles last week, on a goal of 25. That puts me at 69 miles in 2 weeks. Yay me! And despite an all-day visitor, I was able to get in 2 miles tonight before a conference call so I’m proud of that. Of course I am completely behind everyone else in the Tday challenge. It keeps me moving forward and yet I feel somehow a bit bad that I can’t keep up. I never really think of myself as competitive - weird how just tracking miles is bringing it out in me.

Also, I do have good news - the phone interview I had last week has turned into Round 2, in person interviews with the hiring manager and coworker. I am trying to nail it down for Thursday. I’m actually really excited about this opportunity so I hope it is what I think it is based on the phone call. I’ll confess my biggest worry right now - and this is how I know I’m a bit nuts - is that if the interview falls at a weird time I’ll never get 5 miles in on Thursday. Yeah, okay I’m crazy.

Okay who is confused by my writing tonight? I for one am. I’m exhausted and I know this is disjointed. I just feel bad that I haven’t posted for 2 days. How weird is this? I’m tired, guilty, and anxious. Oh and vaguely constipated. What an attractive combination. I think I need to sleep. Night all!   

At least that’s my intention.

Today was the first day that I had to absolutely FORCE myself to walk. I was tired, I wasn’t in the mood, I wanted to watch the Bears, I wanted to do anything but walk. It took me several hours of personal cajoling but I finally got out and did it. 4 miles, again today, which puts me at 65 miles so far out of the requisite 300. I’m proud of the accomplishment but horried that I have 235 to go. Unreal. Insurmountable. That’s why I’m taking this 1 mile at a time. The sum total would drive me crazy. I’m going to try to bust out the 4 miles tomorrow morning first thing, before I can talk myself out of it. It has to get done, as Tuesday is officially a day off from the gym. I have a friend coming to town and we’re spending the whole day - pretty much from dawn to dusk - together. Should be fun, but it will definitely cut into my walking plans! Which is fine. Of course that means I will start off the 3rd week of the challenge 4 miles behind. Dammit. I am obsessed.

Wedding was good. I kept to my food rules. Actually it was easy because I can say without reservation the food at this wedding was the worst I’ve ever been served. And the cake was both unattractive and not tasty so it was easy to walk away from. There was a GIANT sweets table that could have been tempting, but I ended up socializing and dancing up a storm instead so I managed to stay way from it. I did go over to look and nothing grabbed my eye, believe it or not, so I just said no. Nancy Reagan would be so proud. Sugar is normally my recreational drug of choice.

I think I’m going to go to bed now. It’s 11:30, which is actually early for me as I am an insomniac night owl. But I do feel tired so I will go with it. Hugs to all, and I will check in tomorrow. Ellen

I just noticed that Saturday rhymes with Fatterday. I’m not sure why I noticed that, or why I never noticed that before, but it absolutely does. And it’s all the more reason not to weigh myself today. No worries - the scale is sitting in the middle of the hallway and I dutifully walk over it or around it every day except Wednesday when I climb on and hope for no whammies. It’s sitting there because I am lazy. And because I have to pass it every time I leave my bedroom, use the bathroom, walk to the kitchen, or come in the front door. It reminds me to stay true to my goals. At least that’s what I tell myself.

Today I am going to a wedding. Actually I already went to the wedding - it’s the reception I still need to go to! And I have precious little to wear. The one dress I want to wear is clearly too big for me, but not absurdly clownlike (despite the polka dots on the skirt). I’m almost glad I’m not 5 pounds thinner right now - I would have absolutely nothing to wear if that were the case. Now when was the last time I wished that?

It’s hard being unemployed, and changing sizes. On the one hand, you don’t want to spend money because money is tighter than usual. On the other hand, you want to look nice and to feel good about yourself, and clothes really help me do that. Ah, the drama that I can create in my mind.

I’ve decided to be careful but not crazy about food at the wedding. I won’t be hard for me to avoid the bar as I’m not much of a drinker. Other rules: No bread. I’m gluten free anyway but I could absolutely see myself cheating today because hey it’s a party! But no banquet rolls for me. Not going to waste a good cheat on that! Next rule: Protein and veggies first, then I can eat whatever starch they are serving if I’m still hungry. Final rule: 1 really big bite of cake. If it’s fabulous I’ll have some more. If it’s just okay, I’ll push it away. Seems like an achievable plan to me. Hope I’m not delusional.

Got my 4 miles in this morning, making my total 61 since September 4th. I’m still a bit overwhelmed by that number. But I’m proud of it, damn proud of it.

Must go get ready for the festivities. Wish me well! Ellen

Friends,

My goodness it’s been a roller coaster of a week. I’ve been living but you’ve reading it. I hope you have held on for the ride. You should know that I do this - I definitely cycle up and down. This has been a particularly steep ride this week - in both directions. Thank you for hanging in there with me.

So it’s Friday and I couldn’t be happier about that, even though I don’t have a job to be glad that I don’t have to go to for a few days. I did have that phone interview yesterday and it went pretty well I think. The HR lady spent about 45 minutes on the phone with me and told me that I was her best conversation of the day. Next week some time she will discuss candidates with the hiring manager and bring second rounders in. She all but promised me I’d be in that round. What made me really happy about this conversation was it wasn’t an exact match with my skill set and background but it worked - and she saw it. I feel like this marketing job could be a big step in the right direction for refocusing my career. So fingers crossed - it was a good meeting. Now I just want to get a second one! And then a final one! And then an offer! But new goal for my own sanity is to keep the cart firmly behind the horse, so I’m not looking ahead to far. In fact, I’m just looking back a day and saying “Damn! Good Job Ellen!!” (The little tricks I play on myself to get me through, eh? It’s amazing I don’t catch on.)

Once again, sleep is not my friend. I have fallen asleep relatively easily - once I go to bed - but I’m waking up big time about 3-4 later. This morning I gave up on sleeping at 6:15. I’d been basically awake since 4. Needless to say, I’m tired! Not only from the not sleeping but also from the crazy walking I’ve been doing.

And crazy walking it has been! I am now up to 57 miles out of my 300. I’ve done 16 miles in the last 3 days, and I’m not doing any more tonight. Part of me wants to, so I can be crazy you know, but most of me says “you are too damn tired girlfriend!” So I’m going to listen to the tired me and congratulate myself on doing 4 miles on the treadmill and working out for an hour with Claire.

Claire is my personal trainer. Claire was in ass-kicking mood today. We did primarily triceps and core. My least favorite exercise of the day: holding a pushup position with my hands gripping a balance board and turning the board back and forth like a steering wheel for 30 seconds… 3 sets of that. It was insanity. But when I started I couldn’t even hold the push up position and now I can hold it fine, and I could easily hold it for 30 seconds… it’s just the steering wheel part of the exercise that I wanted to shoot her for.

Claire told me something really really interesting about why I’m so much less hungry right now - since I started the 300 mile pilgrimage. She said that my body is used to heavy duty cardio, like Step class or kickboxing, where I work out really really hard and my body uses sugar (aka stuff I’ve recently eaten) to fuel itself. If I haven’t enough, it uses my muscle because it’s easier to get I guess. But with treadmill, my body is burning fat, which is harder for it to do but the lower heart rate zones I’m in (by and large) allow it to work for the fat. So I’m burning fat! How cool is that? This probably explains why my waist looks so much more narrow this week to me than it has in ages. She also told me that I’d lose noticeably in my extremities first… like expect my wrists to look much smaller before my waist (and yet it does, which she agrees with me about). It’s funny she said that because to my interview the other day I decided to wear a ring that I almost never wear, because I hate the way my hands look (always have) and because it always leaves this mark that I hate. Well this time, I didn’t hate the way it looked and I had no mark on my hand even after wearing it all day long AND eating chinese food. So somehow or other I think my finger is skinnier. Crazy but true. And that is a non-scale victory I will embrace.

 Holy cow - this is a long blog even for me. I best stop writing now before you all go cross-eyed. Have a lovely Friday and a lovely weekend if I don’t hear from you.

Ellen

Today is my second day of focusing on the positive, ignoring the negative… or at least the “hey why isn’t my life perfect” feelings that I was confronting almost constantly early in the week. And yes, I’m in a better mood. Today I saw my shrink, which always helps, and she thinks I look great, which is always nice to hear.  When I was leaving, I went into the flower shop by her office and bought myself some lovely flowers to adorn the house. Twenty bucks spent for continued positive mental vibes - well worth it!

I’ve already done 3 miles on the treadmill today. I have an interview on the phone in about 15 minutes, but after that I plan to do the 4 mile trek in my neighborhood… the based laid plans… we’ll see how I do! Eating has been good today - pretty balanced although oddly heavy on the turkey sausage now that I think about it!

B: Oatmeal w/banana, turkey sausage
S: Vitamin water, Clif Bar
L: Homemade turkey sausage and peppers
D: Mahi and spinach. Or maybe broccoli.

I need more fruit. Hmmmm ah maybe I’ll bust out and make a mango salsa for the fish. That would be yummy and believe it or not I have 2 mangoes in the house!

I have a longer post that I want to make later on but I will save that til after my phone interview. Thanks all for the support as I struggle to get out of my own miserable way these days. It’s been a godsend.

Ellen

I’ve decided to return to my Pollyanna nature just for today and see if pretending I’m in a good mood actually puts me in a good mood. Research shows it does…. I’m willing to be a guinea pig on this one.

1. Weigh-in: I am down 2 whole pounds this week!! So this means my walking is working I think. Very exciting indeed.

2. Friends: I am having lunch with my best friend Rhonda. We met at work so she understands both me and the publising industry I was formerly a part of. She can help me think through the pros and cons of this weird job possibility that has been causing me dread.

3. Gym: Hard to believe this is on the list but it absolutely is. Today I work out with my trainer, the lovely Claire, who is just a ray of sunshine and I love being around her, even if her job is trying to kill me. My lunch with Rhonda is an early one so I’ll be able to get in 4 miles on the treadmill before I work out with Claire. If I have anything left, I’ll kick it another 2 miles afterwards. But I’m not going to go crazy. 2+ hours of solid working out is arguably plenty; 2.5 is arguably insane.

4. Homework: Another odd one for the list, eh? Well I’ve got homework for school due tonight by midnight. I have to write a 2 page proposal for some research work that I want to do. I am mostly done; I’ve written about the survey goals and mechanism. What is left to write is the background of why I am conducting the research. Well, this research is about a business I want to start (I’m writing a business plan for it) and it will help me figure out if it’s a viable business. And that business is all about fitness and group support so it combines things that I’m very passionate about.

5. You: I feel so supported here. I’m so glad we found you all. You’re wonderful people and I just know that together we will all succeed.

Peace! ELLEN

Good heavens won’t this ever end? I just can’t get out from under this mood of mine. I see the shrink on Thursday - maybe she can pummel some self-esteem into me. I’m actually a little annoyed with myself on this now. There are a few obvious things that are weighing on my mind - the job thing and a blown-up romance being the top 2 - but you look at this day you know? 9/11… and here I am all out of sorts because I can’t figure out what I want to be when I grow up and why I seem to attract the exact same man over and over again. It’s pathetic. I really need to get over myself. I couldn’t earlier at all - that’s why I headed to the gym. If I walk outside, my brain keeps going. If I walk on a treadmill, I’m terrified I’ll fall and kill myself, so I have to pay firm attention to what I’m doing. Tricks of the insanity trade…

Speaking of the treadmill, I did well today on exercise - I completed 6 miles on the treadmill at the gym, bringing my sum total to date in the TDay Challenge to 41. I’m actually amazed by that number. It’s weird how having what can only be defined as a stretch goal has done to motivate me. I was closing in on the 5 mile mark tonight and I was debating whether I was done or whether I could push it a little more. And then I was over the 5 mile mark and since I only count in whole numbers I was like allrighty then I guess we’re going for 6. The funny thing is I was almost going to walk outside when I got home; then I decided my obsession was getting out of hand so I bopped around the computer for a bit and then watched a bit of TV.

Tatiana is right about the extreme endurance exercise thing killing my appetite. The reason I left the computer earlier was to get some food. And then… I forgot. I didn’t skip on purpose. I just plain forgot to eat. I just ate a few rice crackers and a chunk of goat colby (who knew that goats made all this different kind of cheese?!) - I have trouble falling asleep when I’m hungry (I have trouble falling asleep regardless) and I didn’t want to keep myself stupidly awake tonight.

Anyway, that’s basically my day: stewed about my life; burned 1000 calories on a treadmill; forgot to eat dinner. Bring on Wednesday baby! Oh god, I just remembered tomorrow is my official weigh-in day. How am I forgetting all these things? Crazy. I need sleep. Obviously.

Peace. ELLEN

I thought I was going to have a better mental health day today - a thought that appears to be shortlived.

 Yesterday ended well. A girlfriend called me up and asked me to join her for dinner - I had already eaten but agreed to go just to spend time with her because I hadn’t seen her in quite a few days and I needed the social outlet anyway. I cheated on my diet and ate a cookie - slowly slowly slowly so I could savor every bite and frankly it was delish. Absolutely worth the small cheat. Well we had a great conversation and I was able to talk to her about that lonely feeling I was talking about here yesterday. And she completely understood and she completely opened her heart. When we got back to my house she said, why don’t we take a walk and continue chatting? I was thrilled. So in addition to the socializing I got in another mile yesterday, making my sum total for the day 5.5 miles. I had done 4.5 miles on a roundtrip walk to the zoo. Didn’t see any animals - just tagged the gate and came back. It’s the journey not the destination right?

In yet another effort to make myself feel better, I sent an email to a former boyfriend. I just needed a little positive reinforcement from someone who knows me like that you know? Anyway, Jack is the king of positive reinforcement and rather than making me foolish for asking, he made me feel absolutely fabulous and desirable so that always helps my mood. Honestly the only thing I’m mad at him about is that he finally got ready to commit to someone after we dated, not while! But Jack is well in my past for dating purposes so again it’s nice to have someone you can count on to say ‘babe you’re awesome’ when you need to be reminded.

I hate that I need to be reminded by someone else, but it is what it is. At least I have the self-awareness to know when I need to hear it.

Today I was awakened by a phone call from a potential employer. I thought the conversation went well and I was pleased with how I handled it. The job at hand, which I did apply for, turned out to be well beneath my experience level… not a good fit for me or for them I’m sure. The HR guy and I talked for a while and we agreed that my background was more appropriate for something 2 or 3 levels up the line. I expressed my concern about whether or not I needed to be there to discover when those higher management positions were available; he understood my concern but ultimately said that he thought this was too much of a step back in my career to be a good candidate. (Long conversation - I’m just giving the nuts and bolts here.) Then he told me he’d send me an email with his contact information so that we could keep in touch about better fits; when I logged onto my computer not 5 minutes later there was a message in my inbox from him. Yay Gordon! So I wrote back, thanked him for his time, and told him that I too would keep an eye on postings at his company and would reach out to him as well if I saw something that fit with my background and interests.

All in all this sounds like a good interaction, right? Well that’s what I thought it was. Then I told a friend about it and found out that I was just being played by this guy. That this is a tactic - he wasn’t interested in me for the company at all and was just trying to get out of the conversation. So instead of feeling proud of myself for not going for something beneath me even though I need work, I feel like an unemployed idiot. Again. You’d think I’d be getting better and smarter at this but I’m not.  I tried to pick myself up by looking at the job boards but they are completely devoid of things I am qualified for. So here I sit, defeated. And tomorrow I have a job interview and I am going to have a near-impossible time getting myself to a positive place. I hate this.

So what to do? Well I still have a few chapters to read for class tonight and I need to get my walk in before then. I think that’s what I will do now. No word from Megan on coffee today. Hopefully that’ll work out but in some ways it’ll be a blessing if it doesn’t. I need the time to get prepared for school and for the interview.

 I apologize for this insanely long post. I raise a glass to anyone who made it all the way through. I’ll try to be more positive tomorrow. Thank you for letting me vent.

ELLEN

And honestly I’m not sure why. I’ve accomplished my walking goal for the week and i’ve done well with my food. I’m still not sleeping well, or enough. That might be part of it. Who knows? We all ebb and flow with our moods, me in particular.

Actually you know what? I do know why I’m a bit down. I’ve not done anything social since last Wednesday when I met a high school friend for dinner. Sure, I’ve gone to the gym, I’ve talked to friends online and on the phone, but I haven’t actually been with other people at all in like 4 days. Wow. That’s kinda crazy, particularly considering what a social animal I am. So the question becomes, which came first the sadness or the loneliness?

Another insight (wow, this blogging is helping me a lot all of a sudden) when I’m so focused on my weight loss and my exercise, it reminds me of the days of yore when I struggled with bullimia. Eating disorders are very isolating; I wonder if this focus on my trek to virtual Louisville (which is where I have decided to pretend to walk to) is bringing up some old feelings.

So what to do? Hmmmmm well first things first, I will go to the gym. Exercise always helps my mood and I think I could use the endorphins. Then I will watch my “boyfriend” Novak Djokovic play in his first grand slam final. (How is it that I love this child-of-a-man so much?? LOL)  After that, I’m afraid I have to do some homework for school; I have to write a draft of a research proposal and read 4 chapters before tomorrow. Holy hell, I have a lot to do today! That’s my plan of attack. Tomorrow I expect to meet my friend Megan for coffee, which in my case will be bottled water because I can’t drink coffee anymore (damn bloody diet!)

Well suddenly I am motivated. I will blog again tomorrow. PEACE. ELLEN

Well I’ve mapped it out now. If I were heading toward a destination on my 300-mile trek, I’d most likely end up in either Louisville KY or Cincinnati OH. I decided not to head mentally north, since it’ll be damn cold north of me by Thanksgiving. Anyway, let me know what you think. I’m leading towards Louisville because I’ve never been there and I have a good friend who lives in KY! Perhaps I should actually go to Louisville, in a car or on a plane mind you, when my walking journey is complete. hmmmmmm

I did well on my walking yesterday. I hit 6 miles on the treadmill and my only complaint was my second toe on the right foot… it felt a little wonky after about 4.5 miles but i stretched myself and rubbed my foot a little and it got back in the groove. I am only planning on doing 4 miles today; but if my boy Djokovic wins his match at the USOpen and gets to his first final of a Grand Slam… I’ll do more in his honor for sure. The sun is out now so I plan to do them here and not head over to the gym today. I’d prefer to take a day off from that routine if I can.

I also started journaling my food yesterday; so far, so good. I’m finding that much of my food choices are not on the automatic thing so I have to create custom foods. (I think it’s because I eat mostly from Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods and it doesn’t have things like Fig Spread and Ezekial Bread on the counter!) Anyway, I’m putting in calories for serving choices but not all the other nutritional information (too much work!) It’s enough for now I think.

I slept about 8 hours last night - although part of it was on the couch, which is where I head when I can’t stay asleep. You know, that’s 2 nights in a row for the couch.  It used to happen all the time but I’d been good for about a month. Hmmmmm something to investigate.  I wonder what causes me to wander out there. Hmmmmm patterns? Maybe the food journal will help.

Gotta run, my tennis match is on. And I love me some good ol tennis match, particularly with my boy Djokovic playing. (I don’t know why I have a crush on this YOUNG man but let me assure you, I adore him!)

Thank you for the continued support. ELLEN