arewethereyet

Two things I lack. Balance and focus. I am trying to find them. Or at least know where they might be so I can access them from time to time. Has anyone seen them? Give them my number, please!! LOL

 Life is good. We have been doing a good job of going to the gym. I’m trying to get back to a daily routine. Right now I’d say that it’s a 5 day a week proposition… maybe 4 depending on someone else’s motivation. And, yes, my own. Yesterday I did 35 minutes on the ellyptical machine at the gym. It said I went 4.35 miles. How is that possible? I couldn’t run that far in twice as much time. Well, maybe I could. But just barely. Then i did some upper body weight training and some core work. Then I jumped on the treadmill next to Tim and did 10 minutes big time hard, with 2 minute running sprints sprinkled in there to get the distance in. I did several minutes at 5MPH, which for me is running like I’m being chased… for real. I felt great. I felt psychologically great that I could do this. I felt physically pretty good too - a few muscle aches when I got home but a little stretching took care of it all.

On Monday Tim leaves for Michigan where he has found some work. He’ll be there for 6 days and then he can come home for 2 nights. This doesn’t seem fair to my honeymoon status, does it? I will miss him a lot but I’ll confess that I’m looking forward to some of that selfish-Ellen time that I referenced in January. I really need to put me first again for a while and dealing with a new husband who needs a life coach and personal trainer in addition to a wife makes that all-desired balance and focus issue all the more challenging.

Food has been good. I’m excited for some purely Ellen food to make sure I’m on track. Last week, Tim made a pepper steak that looked great to me, and then he confessed that he dredged the meat in regular flour. I refused it and made myself some brown rice with broccoli as a substitute but it’s so hard to look someone in the eyes and say, no I won’t eat that when they’ve tried their best to make something you’d like. And I would have loved it, except for the gluten! He’s subscribed to a recipe newsletter for people with gluten intolerance - I didn’t even know it existed. He’s trying. I love that about him.

And yet I’m still rather looking forward to my own time, my own space, my own priorities. To focus. And to balance me. And then to add his needs back in once I am where I need to be mentally.

Looking forward to catching up with you all! Thanks for reading, if you made it this far! Ellen

Three cheers for the slow cooker! With Tim working all these crazy hours, and me having a full-time job and a commute besides, I have been scrambling all week to put good, easy, healthy, and gluten free meals on the table. I’ve also been struggling to do it in a timely manner, so I’m not cooking and cleaning twice (as my husband gets home closer to 8pm than either of us would prefer to be sitting down to dinner). Yesterday I busted out the slow cooker and made a 10+ hour pot roast. It was not the best meal I have ever made but it was all the things I’ve been scrambling to do (good easy heatlhy gf) and plenty tasty. Tim had seconds… so it couldn’t have been too bad! LOL I am on a quest now to come up with new recipes that I can use to accomplish all the above. If you have any to share I’ll happily take them - even if they are no GF I am finding that I am getting better and better at figuring out how to convert them. (Yay.)

 The biggest saving grace with this meal plan yesterday was its impact, or non-impact, on my sanity. *One pot to clean (and frankly I took a scrubby to it to get the big stuff off and then I tossed it in the dishwasher.

*Advance prep - all the veggies etc were cut up the night before so I didn’t have to feel rushed in the morning before leaving for work, or rushed to get a meal on the table at night. No rushing… woot!

*Forgiveness on the cooking time - Tim was late (had to run an errand on his way home) and then poof we had company… but no matter. Our meal was not burnt or cold… it was perhaps even better than it would have been 2 hours earlier.

 I hope what you are reading here isn’t simply seen as a product endorsement for slow cookers. I mean, yes, please, use yours instead of fast food but that’s not actually my glee in blogging here. It’s really because I have realized that having home cooked meals even when stressed out is good for my body and my mind. I like knowing exactly what I am putting in my body - whole foods all the way, and no I don’t mean the market! I like planning out the meals enough to do prep the day before, to know what I need on hand. And as it turns out, I’m pretty fond of this easy clean up thing too LOL.

 Thank you for all the comments about wedding pictures. I am highly critical of all pictures of me, and I am struck by how much better I could have looked. That said, when I look at them without my “I’m not good enough” lens on, I see a woman (and a man) very much in love and that’s what ultimately wins me over. I’m going through the photographer’s private for-Ellen-only site right now. Once I get through my choices, we will release the URL to the world at large (ha ha ha) and that can include any of you if you’d like. Log-in info will follow in a future blog.

Take care and keep warm. Big hugs! Ellen

A few of you have already seen these, but in case you’re not facebookers, here’s a picture or two from my December 2008 wedding.

For the wedding picture obsessed, I should have a link where you can see many many more photos from the day… soon!

 In other news, I am now 3 days in a row at the gym and counting. It’s getting easier and easier. To go and to workout. I’m struggling with balance - there’s so much going on between work and marriage and everything - but I’m making time for me. It’s all about scheduling time for myself, and being contented again that a lot of that me time involves a treadmill and a weight bench. Back to basics I guess.

By the site. I can’t seem to respond to emails - does anyone else have that problem? Takes forever to load - and often does not. I have the same trouble accepting buddies - so if you think I’m ignoring you, I’m not. I’m just a bit, um, silenced.

Except for my blog, which is a good thing as I am currently just in general annoyed. I think it has really hit me how much extra work this is going to be on me having Tim working so far from home. On the plus side (?) we have learned that this job will be 17 work days (in 3 weeks). So it’s a finite amount. Then he should move to a new facility closer to home. Same hours, same stressors but hopefully a bit more time with my husband, and a bit more ability on my part to share the burden of the homefront. I had a mini-meltdown earlier today when I texted him and said, call me as soon as you get on the road, and he called me 10 minutes later to tell me he had been on the road 45 minutes. I had just gotten to the gym for some me time and I just felt put upon, particularly since this was actually a day off for me. But I got in my workout - just 30 minutes on the ellyptical machine (which by the way I handled with aplomb, compared to my first day back at the gym.) Got a nice sweat up and got my heart rate raised. Did some minor interval training - kept it at a steady 5.0 - 5.5 mph but when I wanted to get it going big time I did 30 or 60 second intervals at 8.0. Yes, I was hauling there for a bit, but it was good. I really wanted to get to the gym today to do something after yesterday’s workout. I do better and feel better if I don’t take a day off. I want to get back to it at that level again.

I came home and made chicken in a raspberry sauce (very good GF recipe I found) with brown rice and spinach. I had blueberries for desert. I did well on my food today all the way around. In fact I think I’m going to self-acknowledge here. I did great today. WTG me. The only thing I would have changed about the day is getting to the gym earlier so I could a full hour in.

Tomorrow I work from home (so I can watch the inauguration primarily). My boss is on sales calls in AZ so he is going to be incommunicado most of the day. I should be able to make calls to clients, work on projects, and weep uncontrollably over change from the comfort of my own living room.

Hugs to all. Have a good night. Ellen

PS:Oh. I forgot to say this - how dopey of me. I am down 5 pounds in 2 weeks. There is both good and bad news there… I was down 5 pounds in the first week. This week I have just stayed the same. I feel a loss coming on this week. I’m going to say 3 lbs. That’s my personal goal for the week (by next Monday.) Wish me luck.

What a lovely Sunday it has been. I woke up around 9am and watched Tim sleep for a while. He woke around 9:20 and didn’t realize I was awake - he slipped out of the room quietly which was sweet. I lounged in bed til 9:30 and then decided well that was enough of that and began my day.

Looking back, our day was in many ways all about food but kinda in a good way. Tim begins a new job tomorrow about 75 miles from the house. He was going to stay in a motel near there but last night told me that he really wanted to try to commute. I am against it - he’ll be working 6 10-hour shifts a week as far as we know and adding 150 miles of driving a day to that is just too much, you know? Anyway, this work schedule puts me squarely 100% of the house, and squarely 100% in charge of the food. I decided to meal plan, and make a nice healthy list. When Tim works this many hours, he can eat us out of house and home. So I wanted to make sure he was getting good food as much as possible. I didn’t want him to be buying stuff off of the ‘roach coach’ - that’s just bad for him on so many levels and it’s not cheap either! So we are now set for the week. I read some good recipes too in my GF/WF book and I’m creating multi-tiered meals that I can repackage for him for other meals during the week. Tonight we had meatloaf (low fat, GF) with sweet potatoes and green beans and Tim’s got a perfect dinner already for him for later in the week. And I can just pop it in the microwave when he’s done with his shower.

I will confess to all of you that I was sad and a wee bit happy when we thought he’d be gone 5 nights a week. The sad is obvious - this is my new husband and I adore him of course. But I have always relished my alone time and I don’t get all that much of it lately. I was looking forward to cooking my own food, with no “will he like it?” attached to it when I bust out and create some ‘Ellen’ food. Truthfully he’s actually handling the GF pretty well - not that his bread is GF. Just the recipes I make for dinner etc. The other thing I was looking forward to was no-excuses gym time. I find it difficult to leave him when I get home from work and we haven’t seen each other all day (I know, it’s nauseating newlywed time here) and I find it difficult to drag him with. I think this coming week I’m going to get focused on the gym. Like, when I get home from work, I’ll have a snack and then I’ll go work out. Then I’ll come home and eat another snack and get cleaned up so I’m all purty well he gets in. Not that he’ll notice because he’ll be so knocked out.

Anyway, I think this will require some organization, both mental and physical, the next few weeks. I can’t figure out how to do it otherwise.

Today after the fooding was done - I made myself some GF cookies for treats after I made Tim’s brunch (he was out shoveling - another thing I’ll have to do on my own this week!) - I went to the gym. Victory! I did 4 miles in an hour. That includes a full mile of serious freakin incline and some speed drills that I picked up from Bob on Biggest Loser… when he was yelling at that lady (was is Joelle or something like that?) Anyway, from time to time I just pushed the speed up to 6 mph and ran for 30 seconds. I did probably 3 30-second spurts in the last 2 miles. I also did 2 1-minute spurts at the same 6 mph. I realize this isn’t supersonic fast for most people, but for me it was running like I was being chased. By a serious bad guy. A few days ago I was struggling big time at the gym. Today I worked hard, but I could do it. My spirit was renewed. My body remembered what it could do back when I worked at it. It rewarded me with stamina and reasonable grace. Tonight it is punishing me a bit for the months of carelessness but that’s okay. I know I can do it when I try and when I am motivated and it feels oh so good to know that again.

Here comes my husband. I think he’s heading to bed. I hope he’s heading to bed. 5 am comes awfully early that’s for sure.

More soon, Ellen

Most people would think that the harsh reality check of the scale this Sunday morning would have been my most painful reality check. And it was painful, seeing that so much of my hard work over the last year had slipped away from me through my own complacence. But in truth, my toughest reality check came last night. At the gym. Where I was humbled by the ellyptical machine which had my number in 6 minutes. And where I struggled to complete 40 minutes on a treadmill.

I got the world’s worst cold over Thanksgiving weekend. I couldn’t work out for 2 weeks because I was trying to get well for my wedding. Success! And then I relapsed when we got home and didn’t work out before the holidays. During the holidays, I was well. I chose not to go to the gym. It is what it is. But I see the effects.

At first I was embarrassed about how out of shape I had become in 5 weeks. Then, epiphany, I figured it out. It’s not 5 weeks. It’s waaaay more than 5 weeks. A year ago, I was the workout queen. I hit the gym every day for at least an hour. I did cardio. I did weights. I had a trainer. I took fitness classes. I was a happy and yes somewhat obsessed gym rat.

And then I started working again. And working on my MBA. And navigating a relationship and planning a wedding and combining households and… yeah, I was busy. It was too much. And I thought I had it. And I thought I could let it slide and maintain my fitness by going to the gym a few days here and a few days there.

And you know what, it worked. I could fake being fit, to myself. I could get it back - the tone, the pace, the heart rate - in just a day or so. But the delusion was over last night, when I got on a treadmill and said you’ve got to be kidding me. And I started watching the clock. And counting down. And counting up. And wishing my gym time away.

And lamenting my backslide. It’s a harsher reality than 10 pounds on a scale. I accepted a long time ago that I was never going to be ‘that skinny girl.’ But I was proud of my fitness level. Today I am once again humbled by reality but blessed with self-knowledge. And that is some small comfort.

Here is today’s quote, which seems fitting for the occasion:

Too true.

Friends,

On the minus side, I broke my word to you all that I would hit the gym yesterday. Not a good start to our renewed relationship I know. On the plus side, I think I kept the more important one - the one to my husband to be there by his side through thick and thin (thick being the operative word this week.)

 At 11:30 yesterday morning my cell phone rang - it was Tim and he had bad news. He got laid off from his job. As a union guy, we expect a seasonal slowdown but this came out of left field. Essentially one huge job was suspended, not his, but it had a domino effect through the rest of the industry in the area. Our finances are okay for the time being - I’ve done very well at my sales job as I may have reported yesterday - but we are still recovering from the expenditures of the December wedding and the holidays. Add to that fact that the holidays wreck havoc with his work schedule anyway (don’t work, don’t get paid) and it’s clear that we are not at the most flush part of our financial lives right now.

Tim struggles a bit with his pride. We are living in the house that I bought 5 years ago. I make more money than he does in general and could pay the bills without him there, just like I did before he got there. When he’s not working and unable to contribute fully, he feels “kept.” He’s not and like many SAHMs I know he contributes in unmeasurable non-monetary ways. But he feels low. We dealt with some seasonal unemployment last year as well before we were living together and it bothered him that he couldn’t take me nice places or buy me nice things. Now he can’t provide for me in our home and he just can’t cope. And he doesn’t have many coping mechanisms, at least not healthy ones. It’s tough.

But this blog is about me. I skipped the gym last night to support my husband, to be there for him, but yes in some ways I resented it. I had just declared to all of you that I needed to make Me a priority in the year of Us, but then I let Me take a backseat. It was the right thing to do. I know that. But I also know that I make excuses and I need to get myself on track, for Us as much as for Me. I asked him to go with me - he said no, that he was going today. And he probably will go while I’m at work, and then I will have to get over the guilt of leaving someone I love alone in a low place while I prioritize Me. The first step is getting out the door I suppose.

 So here is today’s new promise. I WILL exercise today. If I can’t feel good about leaving the house, I will go upstairs where we have a mini gym set up and I will exercise. I will pop in a DVD and do WATP or maybe a step aerobics routine. I will do push ups and situps. I will bounce on my mini trampoline with my iPod on. Whatever it takes, I will do it. For no less than 30 minutes. Because I am worth it, and I need to do it for the Me in Us.

 I close with a quote from Barbara Sher, the author of “I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was” which inspired me today:

‘Now’ is the operative word. Everything you put in your way is just a method of putting off the hour when you could actually be doing your dream. You don’t need endless time and perfect conditions. Do it now. Do it today. Do it for twenty minutes and watch your heart start beating.

How’s that for some “GET TO THE GYM ELLEN?!” inspiration??

To say that I was a good buddy in 2008 is a massive horrifying embarrassing overstatement. I’m not even sure that I logged in after March. Ugh. I write today to re-establish myself on the site, to reconnect with old friends, to beg forgiveness for disappearing, and to ask for help as I continue this life journey.

 I have had a backslide. My weight is up - and I’m the not-so-proud owner of 10 MORE holiday pounds. This is what happens when a cold sidelines me at Thanksgiving for 3 1/2 weeks. This is what happens when I abandon what I know works for me. This is what happens when I say “I deserve to celebrate!” and what I mean is “I can eat that.” In short, this is what happens when I get complacent.

Today, I cannot own my weight for you. I cannot say it out loud here. Maybe soon. I have made great strides mentally and food-wise in the last 2 days since my commitment began anew. I am gluten free once more. I am following my bloody diet, and seeking out foods that are medicines to me not poisons. And I’m gearing up for my new gym… in fact, I will go tonight. This I pledge to you all.

For those of you who are return readers, I have major updates to report beyond the fact of my continued weight struggle.

1. I am gainfully employed and have been since March 2008. The 9 months off were great for me mentally but painful to the pocketbook as I’m sure many here can relate to! I like my job. And I have found balance in the fact that I am not my job - a problem I suffered with before I left my former employer in search of me. And I’ve been very successful at my job - it’s a sales job and it appears that I will finish my rookie year at 125% of goal and near the very top of the performers. All in all, work is good.

2. I am married. When last we spoke, I had met and had fallen for a wonderful man named Tim. He came over some time in February and never left. He proposed on June 6th and we married on December 13th. It has been a wonderful magical time for me in my personal life that is for sure. I am blessed no doubt with the unwavering love of a good man. At long last, I have found my partner in life and it makes me teary to think about how long I struggled to find him.

These two major events in my life have been great on their own, but I have found it difficult to prioritize my health plan because of the all-encompassing natur of each. Tim and I declared 2009 the year of Us. And I am declaring the Me in Us beyond important - I am declaring the Me in Us to be mission critical.

My goal, with your help, is to be a healthy weight and proud of my strong body. Today I am proud of myself for taking the first steps back. Thank you in advance for your welcome.

Ellen

I’m beginning to think I have a tapeworm today. I’m STARVING. I don’t mean kinda sorta a little bit hungry. I mean completely unsatisfied hungry. And I’ve been eating healthy all day. I had some oatmeal w/ flax for bfast, a whole grapefruit for my morning snack, and a nice turkey sandwich (on gf bread of course) with tomato for lunch. And I’ve been drinking water today too. I’m not sure what the deal is but I’m seriously just starving today. Today is a long day too. I brought bfast, lunch, and dinner with me to work so I could avoid eating out. Budget and calorie wise I need to be conservative! Anyway, who knows what the deal is but I am a starvin marvin today.

So I know that if I actually had a tapeworm the scale would be moving down down down. But it’s not. It’s holding nicely at 205, give or take about a pound. I’ve just dropped off of the Hot Rods because I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s ridiculous for me to try to lose weight right now. All the travel and the training has made my eating and exercise less regimented. I’m still doing pretty well, but my goal for the short-term is to maintain. I was beating myself up for not losing the last month and then I said, STOP IT. You’re fine. You need to learn to maintain and to accept what the realities of your life are in the moment. And for the moment, losing weight is not my focus; maintaining my weight loss is key and since I’m dedicated to this being my life-changing weight loss I think it’s okay and in fact damn smart for me to practice maintenance. So that’s my deal for now.

Tim and I went on a 4 mile walk yesterday. It was a brisk 40 degrees out but we marched along and enjoyed the neighborhood scenery for a little over an hour. It’s nice to walk with someone. I did almost all my fall walking alone. I’m rarely alone now - that’s a whole other story. Anyway, I’m averaging at minimum 2 miles a day because of my commute - I have a 1/2 mile walk to get to the train from my house and another 1/2 mile to get from the train to the office once I’m downtown. Reverse that at night.

With all this commuting, I haven’t found a lot of time to go to the gym (read: none). I miss Claire a lot. I need to get to the gym one of these evenings and settle up with her on my remaining sessions. Clearly I need to find a gym closer to home. We are considering joining the local Y. It’s the closest to the house and arguably the cheapest. But I’m concerned about the hours. And the classes. It’s a lot to consider.

Just 2.5 weeks away from our trip to Florida to play “meet the parents.” I’m a little anxious. Tim says his father already loves me because I’m Irish (Happy St Paddy’s Day everyone!) and Catholic, but I still want to make a good first impression. And I know he’s getting anxious about meeting my parents too. In any event, we are closing in on the big event. I’m looking forward to getting into the warmth of the Florida sun if only for a few days!

 And that’s the happs from my world. Working again, loving the people I work with, still blissfully in love with Tim, and holding my own weight wise. All in all it’s a good life. XO to all, Ellen

Well I’ve decided it’s time to do a cleanse again. I’ve found myself craving chocolate and bad things and being more knoshy than I would like to be. It’s not normal for me anymore and I don’t like it. I feel like I need to do something dramatic to break the cycle so I’m cleansing. First step is an herbal total body cleanse. I picked up the kit at Whole Foods today. I’ve also grabbed a bunch of organic juices to use during the cleans itself. It’s very exciting. Not. Actually I’ve done these before with good results. It’s just a process - psychological as much as physical for me - that gets me back on track with my eating and my focus.

I’m finding Tim irritating as hell right now. Okay that’s not fair. He’s wonderful. But what’s irritating is that he’s down almost 10 pounds from last week. And he’s eating crap. I on the other hand am up like 2 pounds this week. I have been eating too much - but by and large it’s been too much good for me food. Like I said, I’m knoshy.

Anyway, he’s in the kitchen right now. He’s making this uber-garlic chicken for us for dinner. It smells heavenly in here right now. I’m glad we’re both eating this because holy cow it’s gonna be a stinky ol night around here that’s for sure. LOL

I did 5 miles at the gym today. Feeling very proud of that. It used to be a daily habit. Now it’s an exciting accomplishment. I really really really need to get a treadmill for the house. I want to be doing 5 miles a day no matter what and getting to the gym is getting harder and harder, and will only get more challenging as the work situation firms up. On the plus side there, I have about 2 miles built into my day once I begin commuting again. It’s about a half mile to the train from the house and a half mile to the office from the train station once I get to the city. So you know what, that is excellent news. I’m suddenly excited about that possibility too.

Golly I’m in a very positive mood today. It’s kinda odd. I’m not sure what’s driving it. Perhaps it’s the garlic that’s wafting through the house. I’m serious when I tell you it smells awesome in here right now. Must go sniff the boyfriend.

Have a good weekend everyone. XO Ellen